I am getting worn out with this

[mvgolfer]

Checking in. I may not be able to check inf or a while, and I am crusiing the possts for info., help and inspiration. This site has been of real help for me, if anythign just to be able to read what others say. Thank you for posting/replying to my posts!

I called the IL's yesterady, and I am kind of surpirse about how hard it is to make a true connection with them. Esp. MIL. I don't really tell her much, other than perspective from us as a 'couple'. 'We are going to counseling'., etc. She really likes to talk about herself. Never really asks how I am or how I am doing. I think my H does not have a close R with either of his parents. Maybe this is why. They are both staunch Christians, but they seem to lack the ability to make a real human connection to me or my H.

H wrote me a short email and signed it 'Love'. I was estatic, and let that protect me from the potential downs I know I can feel sometimes. Relfecting on that, though highlights the fact that I let him affect my moods so much. I suppose I was hoping or looking for something, in light of the 'LOVE EMAIL' I found from H to 'ALison'. So if I shoudln't read into things too much, I suppose that could also be said the the email he sent to me - signed 'love'...this makes me sad.

I am looking forward to going to Seattle and seeing H and his family, but it also makes me sad since I know we will be coming back home and it will be back to the usual. I wish I knew that he was sincere in his desire to work on things. I sent him an email that expressed my thanks and happiness that he had said so, but I got no reply.

I talked to a potential C yesterday and gave him a breif overview of my sitch. He said I was too flexible and that his W wouldl have hit him over the head with a 2 x 4, if he had done even half the stuff my H has done. I told him about my demons that I am trying to tame, and he said regardless, that is no reason to walk away from a 18yr M. Not sure if he gets MLC, or this type of sitch. On to another one, I suppose...althuogh it might have been a good laugh to bring H to see him...

I hope I can supress these feeligns of anxiety that are creeing up again on me. I have been pretty busy getting ready to leave.. I still have to go out and get an anniversary gift, since I don't know if H was able to get one. I will side on the 'flake' factor and get one today just in case... so I am at work and will have to run out at lunch. Then I have 2 volleyball games, I have to then go home, pack and get the cats ready so I can leave the house by 7 AM next day. Thank goodness so much to do to help keep my mind focused. I hate being at home, alone with my thoughts and feelings.

I can handle issues. they can be addressed straight on, but I can't handle avoidnace or lies. And I htink that is what my H does everytime ALison subject comes up. I know most of what he has told me is a lie. If they are just friends, or confidants, then why protect her or that R by lying??

When is a good time to talk about R with an MLCer at this stage - potentially willing to work on it?? And to what level does the conversation go? Do you play it by ear? Sometimes, i think my H likes to know what I am thinking and does want to talk and express himself to me, but I notice that can either make him more upset, or he will be thankful that we could talk. If I read what other people say, and if I were DBing at this point, i would not say anything, only light talk. But then does that breed complacency, or cause more of the same?

We will have a 3hour drive from SEATAC to his parents house. Should I try a little?

I wish this anxiety monster would go away!!!!

Sorry for all the typos - I am spazing out at work.
-marsh