Jeff, Thank you so much for listening. I think I messed up a little already, but I iwll have to wait and see.
I think watching and waiting is a good idea for now and I need to learn to keep my mouth shut and thoughts to myself.
I am praying this helps. It still really bothers me, but there really isn't anything I can do about it.
I will post more later. I think he might send me an email or call when he gets in (2 AM, my time). So I should know by tomorrow if he still feels the same way.
Boy, I really need to get better at waiting to say or do anything when I am hurt or feel defensive!
I need to be more conscious of that and practice. -marsh
M-45 H-46 no kids, 2 cats, 2 dogs M-19yr bomb-May 9, 2009 H has paperwork, but has not yet filed in C, IC and MC MLC?
Listening and watching are really good ideas! You are "justified" in feeling the way you do.... but from where he sits, he doesn't want to hear it. So, even though it will drive you crazy, there are things you just can't say right now.
I can see that you are understanding that. Take advantage of the time he is gone to start practicing for when he comes home!
ok, did not sleep AT ALL last night. Spackled nail holes in the moulding (it's all painted white)'til 12:30.
H emailed me when he got in - like he said. No ILY's, though. I did in my emails..shouldn't have - I know, I know...
At least I am hoping he has overlooked my eariler mistake. It's so stupid and psycho, i can't even talk about it.
For some reason I am feeling ok today..no panicky feelings. Maybe because I am falling-through-my-a$$-tired.
I have lots to do tonight after work to get ready to leave and fly out to Seattle Thursday, so I guess that's good in a way. Bought some clothes last night that fit me. Bought a bunch of skin care stuff from a mall kiosk guy..don't know why I did that. I must have been wearing the 'sucker' sign that day. It was fun shopping for smaller sizes, but knowing the reason why, made me sad.(D diet) So it cancelled the positives out. i don't want to look like skeletor or waifish to the in-laws ,or to my co-workers. I wish I could eat more.
So, I plan to focus on what I need to get done and I hope, hope , hope I don't get 'that' feeling of panic/fear that seems like it can consume me. Kept me awake all night with wierd thoughts and half dreams.
Any tricks to making that go away - at least for a while? I know I have to detach, so that may help if I can get to that point.
I need to call the IL's to at least say hi, and to touch base before we show up. I think H only tells them 1/2 truths and mostly blames me. But the more I know or find out, it really does seem like there is much more to all of this than just me. So if I can change me, that's good, but it still will only help us part of the way.
I think I am also going to contact a different counselor. The one we have now is ok - but seems to be hung up on the 'philsophical' aspects of C. I feel like she is trying to make us understand or fit into her thesis or something. No action.
I love coffee. marsh
M-45 H-46 no kids, 2 cats, 2 dogs M-19yr bomb-May 9, 2009 H has paperwork, but has not yet filed in C, IC and MC MLC?
I think if the C is all philosophy and no action, it isn't what you need. I agree with looking for a another. The philosophy might be useful, but you have more urgent problems!
I think you can be sure that there is a lot of the situation that isn't you! He isn't going to see it that way... water off a ducks back! All you can change is you.... do your best at that. The rest will fall into place. It really will! The place not be what you think you want, it might not be what you expect, and it will almost certainly not be when you expect!
I told the story about a year ago about the skin care woman in the mall! She touched my hands! I almost died right there! Anyway.... I understand that one first hand!
Hang in there, Marsh! You can do this. Keep moving your focus off of him, and onto you!
Checking in. I may not be able to check inf or a while, and I am crusiing the possts for info., help and inspiration. This site has been of real help for me, if anythign just to be able to read what others say. Thank you for posting/replying to my posts!
I called the IL's yesterady, and I am kind of surpirse about how hard it is to make a true connection with them. Esp. MIL. I don't really tell her much, other than perspective from us as a 'couple'. 'We are going to counseling'., etc. She really likes to talk about herself. Never really asks how I am or how I am doing. I think my H does not have a close R with either of his parents. Maybe this is why. They are both staunch Christians, but they seem to lack the ability to make a real human connection to me or my H.
H wrote me a short email and signed it 'Love'. I was estatic, and let that protect me from the potential downs I know I can feel sometimes. Relfecting on that, though highlights the fact that I let him affect my moods so much. I suppose I was hoping or looking for something, in light of the 'LOVE EMAIL' I found from H to 'ALison'. So if I shoudln't read into things too much, I suppose that could also be said the the email he sent to me - signed 'love'...this makes me sad.
I am looking forward to going to Seattle and seeing H and his family, but it also makes me sad since I know we will be coming back home and it will be back to the usual. I wish I knew that he was sincere in his desire to work on things. I sent him an email that expressed my thanks and happiness that he had said so, but I got no reply.
I talked to a potential C yesterday and gave him a breif overview of my sitch. He said I was too flexible and that his W wouldl have hit him over the head with a 2 x 4, if he had done even half the stuff my H has done. I told him about my demons that I am trying to tame, and he said regardless, that is no reason to walk away from a 18yr M. Not sure if he gets MLC, or this type of sitch. On to another one, I suppose...althuogh it might have been a good laugh to bring H to see him...
I hope I can supress these feeligns of anxiety that are creeing up again on me. I have been pretty busy getting ready to leave.. I still have to go out and get an anniversary gift, since I don't know if H was able to get one. I will side on the 'flake' factor and get one today just in case... so I am at work and will have to run out at lunch. Then I have 2 volleyball games, I have to then go home, pack and get the cats ready so I can leave the house by 7 AM next day. Thank goodness so much to do to help keep my mind focused. I hate being at home, alone with my thoughts and feelings.
I can handle issues. they can be addressed straight on, but I can't handle avoidnace or lies. And I htink that is what my H does everytime ALison subject comes up. I know most of what he has told me is a lie. If they are just friends, or confidants, then why protect her or that R by lying??
When is a good time to talk about R with an MLCer at this stage - potentially willing to work on it?? And to what level does the conversation go? Do you play it by ear? Sometimes, i think my H likes to know what I am thinking and does want to talk and express himself to me, but I notice that can either make him more upset, or he will be thankful that we could talk. If I read what other people say, and if I were DBing at this point, i would not say anything, only light talk. But then does that breed complacency, or cause more of the same?
We will have a 3hour drive from SEATAC to his parents house. Should I try a little?
I wish this anxiety monster would go away!!!!
Sorry for all the typos - I am spazing out at work. -marsh
M-45 H-46 no kids, 2 cats, 2 dogs M-19yr bomb-May 9, 2009 H has paperwork, but has not yet filed in C, IC and MC MLC?
My advice, based on everything I've seen and read here, is that the best time to talk to an MLCer about your R is never. OK, not quite never, if he brings it up, you can talk. But even then, let him lead it. Validate, and listen. I think he is in a pretty confused state right now, don't try to get him to dig deeply, it will just frustrate him. This is the time for patience.
Thanks Jeff. You are a patient person for reading my posts and posting back! I plan to : 1)Not talk about R 2) Be 'light', maybe ask about his work trip 3) maybe talk about family visit 4) Listen 5) Not say anything - allow for silence 6)Be positive 7)Try be be as normal(don't get weepy, etc) as possible around family 8) Look really good when I get off the plane - H is meeting me at SEATAC on his way back from Japan
Funny, a friend said to me today that it is like I am dating again, where you don't ask the other person a lot about what they are doing when they aren't with you and I am bascially 'competing' for dates with ALison - if indeed that is the case. I found out more info on that, and it makes my insides tighten up, but I am trying VERY hard to fight the anxiety/panic attacks. I have to let him tell me the truth.
Most of my friends think I am nuts for going through this for him. (my sister said she loves me, but he makes her want to vomit)they ask if he's worth it, if the R is worth it. I think it is, since I still believe the payoff is worth it in the end. But I also think it is good to ask myself that question on ocassion.
Patience is a very hard lesson for me. But I am trying, so that counts for something!
Thanks mucho! Marsh
M-45 H-46 no kids, 2 cats, 2 dogs M-19yr bomb-May 9, 2009 H has paperwork, but has not yet filed in C, IC and MC MLC?
