It basically means stopping most communication and just living parallel lives together in the same house.
An analogy that helped me with co-dependent ideas, boundaries and self-growth was this. A marriage is two trees growing side by side with the branches intertwined. They can sway with the wind and in storms together and sometimes one tree loses a limb. But each tree is independent and growing on it's own. So a healthy relationship is living parallel lives together, it's the connection between you two that makes it special. You DB goals should be centered around becoming friends again. What can you do to increase the friendship? Yes keep up the great work on yourself but add some DB goals. Thrive under the pressure.
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
This really confuses me because as a near WAW, all I wanted was my H to stop GALing, look at me and articulate clearly that he did want to participate in improving our situation and working on our marriage. And, of course I wanted him to follow that with some action.
Hmmmm!
In my view, I have done that a number of times - both in and out of joint counseling sessions. Her response has uniformly been to shrug her shoulders and say "I don't know" or "I just can't do that"
She has even said "I don't want to talk about what is wrong in our R because then you are just going to try to change it and fix it"
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
This really confuses me because as a near WAW, all I wanted was my H to stop GALing, look at me and articulate clearly that he did want to participate in improving our situation and working on our marriage. And, of course I wanted him to follow that with some action.
Yep, this is the dichotomy; I clearly articulated this to WAW and at least she SAYS (and said) she has NO interest in improving our sitch and working on our marriage and her actions convey the same message.
@A&K, not sure what it was about our conversation last night (or if it even had anything to do with it), but I woke up in the middle of the night with a thought about the ultimate irony in my sitch (and, no, this isn't mind-reading, just an observation), W is going back to school FT in the fall for an intensive two years Masters program in Public Policy. She wants to be involved in solving important international issues (woman's rights, hunger, etc.) all of which is very noble. But, it struck me that she's able/willing to work intensively to "save the World", but, in her own words, she has nothing in the tank to "work on her marriage" and, implicitly, save our family. Again, I say this without judgment and mind-reading, but as a simple observation and wonder if the kids see this, too.
@Orich and @Thinker, reading your exchange of last night, my W seems like a hybrid of the two of yours.
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
[quote] You DB goals should be centered around becoming friends again. What can you do to increase the friendship?
But sometimes they no longer want to be your friend. In their minds, they have given you plenty of chances to get you $hit together and they are no longer willing to try. That is a tought place to be in.
Well maybe there is a small but significant leap from being a "near WAW" and an actual "WAW." In most ways I felt alienated and hopeless about our marriage. Perhaps if I had met someone else that would have pushed me over the edge. I relate to the WAW up until the point of actually refusing help for the M.
And, AlexEN, I think a lot of us experience that irony...some to the extent that their spouses have the energy for a new and equally time consuming, challenging R or even new family. In my case, both H and myself are doing things that we would have needed to make the M work. It makes no sense.
I'm certain the kids see it. Not sure how it impacts or impresses them. Sad.
You DB goals should be centered around becoming friends again. What can you do to increase the friendship?
I got this Coach. I understand it and I am really struggling to answer the question:
"What can I do to increase the friendship?"
In my heart, I feel like we are friends right now. I know, however, that she does not consider us to be friends.
[Complaining=Thinker] When we have discussed it in the past, she used any discussion we have had where I did not immediately agree to everything she wanted as a reason we couldn't be friends. I know that's not the answer.
She uses 1-word answers to shut down any sort of pleasant chats / discussions I initiate, and refuses to talk about anything significant or emotional (ie her family, work stress, goals and desires).
She has a whole list of excuses to stop any sort of fun joint activity ("Let's go for a bike ride" - "no, I have to...").
If we end up spending time together for some other reason (car rides, etc), she immediately gets on her cell phone with her girl friends, and continues that the whole time we are together. [/Complaining]
So I am scratching my head and headed back into the fray to try again.
Last edited by Thinker; 07/08/0903:21 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
You DB goals should be centered around becoming friends again. What can you do to increase the friendship?
But sometimes they no longer want to be your friend. In their minds, they have given you plenty of chances to get you $hit together and they are no longer willing to try. That is a tought place to be in.
Yep! That's where I am.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
When we were not doing well, we had this problem of who is supposed to say hello first. Is it the person who walks in the door, or the one already in the house?
It goes back to the idea of treating the spouse at least as well as a stranger. If a stranger walked in the door, you would say hello. You would not be sitting there thinking, "shouldn't she say hello to me first?"
He would still walk in and just go about his business, but now I make the point of saying hello. It removes a lot of hostility from the air.
