Magnificent

[mishka422]

I've been reading but avoiding posting in the hopes that my mood will lighten and I can sound positive. Nope, not happening. DANG IT!

Ali, something you said got me thinking (a dangerous thing to do!)

You need to let go of the 'old' view of yourself, that 17 year old kid that felt she was disgusting and didnt deserve love. That was 20 years ago Mish.

You see Al, that's the problem. Yes, it was 20 years ago but it's only gotten worse over those years. Let me put it this way, if it were possible to do something presentable with my hair and makeup without ever looking in a mirror, that would be perfect. There are 20+ years of self hate that has gotten so much worse in the last 18 months. I hid it behind the thought that even though I can't stand myself, at least Gabe loved and cared for me and that was all I needed. The cushion is gone now and the blow is extreme. It wouldn't be so bad if there were at least one part of my life that I could look at and be happy with, but there isn't. I've never done anything that I can say I'm proud of, never accomplished anything.

It's a defeatist attitude, and I know that. My only goal right now is to make it to tomorrow. Tomorrow, my goal will be the next day and so forth. It sucks, but I'm out of energy, out of faith, out of hope. I want to sleep.....it's been 2 weeks now of no more than 2 hours a night. Totally worn out..