Alex, So much of what you describe must sound familiar to a lot of us here....the disconnect from reality, the apparent cognitive dissonance - and I think a lot of it is genuine in the WAS...it seems like a lot of times they truly do think they're doing what's best...but I think what gets mixed in with their thinking is a history of bad habits and effective manipulation (which the we, the other spouse, often played into more than we might have thought).
At the risk of projecting my my own sitch, when I read your descriptions of your W's behavior - I remember going though so many similar ordeals - so many moments when I felt like I must be in the crazy house based on my STBX's words and actions...not until we were separated, not in one another's space, and I was living with myself and having to look at myself through my own eyes, did I realize just how much I played into the negative dynamic that had become our interactions. I also started to see how just how much she relied on the books she was reading for guidance - I know a lot of us do it too - with DB - and I think it's for the same reason - we have a lot of ambiguity and uncertainty in us - and so the books seem like some sort of anchor...
I think the books get most useful once we reach a point where we can set them aside, and allow what we've learned to be constant and consistent - then we don't have to refer to passages to affirm our actions.
As an aside...just wondering what kinds of stuff you might have planned for you and your kids to do together...time spent living, doing, being in the moment, seems to do so much for our children (and ourselves).
... So much of what you describe must sound familiar to a lot of us here....the disconnect from reality, the apparent cognitive dissonance - and I think a lot of it is genuine in the WAS...it seems like a lot of times they truly do think they're doing what's best...but I think what gets mixed in with their thinking is a history of bad habits and effective manipulation (which the we, the other spouse, often played into more than we might have thought).
...not until we were separated, not in one another's space, and I was living with myself and having to look at myself through my own eyes, did I realize just how much I played into the negative dynamic that had become our interactions.
...As an aside...just wondering what kinds of stuff you might have planned for you and your kids to do together...time spent living, doing, being in the moment, seems to do so much for our children (and ourselves).
Carlos,
This is all SO true... We had a "dance" that we both contributed to and a pattern that was ingrained...
But, if only one partner is willing to acknowledge his/her role and wants to try to break the pattern, the dance doesn't change.
Because you're right, that both partners contribute to these dances, both partners have to be willing to break their own patterns...
Otherwise an impasse is reached...
To answer your other question, the boys want to play more golf; so we're going to make more time for that.
D11 is learning how to cook, so she's going to teach me... Given that it's about time I learned...
-AlexEN
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
I don't see that it matters much anymore whether you agree to telling them "the marital story" or not, since she's already done it her way. But I do see her setting you up to take the blame if she is rejected by S14. She needs to take ownership of her relationship with her son. I think agreeing on what can and can't be said to the kids is too difficult anyway. You both should just use your best judgement.
Yes, hard to trust her judgment. But you can't control what she says when you're not around, and you can't be around all the time. Thing is, as any child of divorced parents will tell you, there's what the kids think in the short run, and what they think in the long run. They may believe lies in the short run, but as they mature they will see through a parent who lies to them. And they will make their own judgments.
Ugh, I hate that you're going through this. It's definitely made me realize that not having children in my sitch made it easier to deal with. I know it's a struggle, but I think you're handling things extremely well. Sara is spot on--it sounds like she is setting you up to take responsibility for the outcome of her relationship with S14. Good for you for not coming to her rescue on this and making her take responsibility for her actions.
I don't have any words of wisdom or commiseration but I am following along and can offer support.
Originally Posted By: AlexEN
When are we skiing?
Well, since I don't waterski it will probably have to wait until after Thanksgiving. But once the snow starts falling in the Rockies we're on!
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
