I am fairly new to this stuff as well, so I will defer to folks like Puppy, Coac, Greek and Sandi (and others). But, here's my $0.02 worth.
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Now it seems that me not bringing the R talk up or finalizing the sep agreement (though proper DB) has backfired. She says now that it is "clear" we can't seem to talk about it or get it done, she needs to get her lawyer involved.
Don't think it backfired - seems that it worked. Has she brought this up in teh last 2-3 weeks - you said not. Was there supposed to be a discussion about it?
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The danger I see is she talks about the money spent on lawyers, time and energy spent already on this separation/divorce, etc. as sort of being committed to this path. Not sure how I am to respond to that line of "reasoning."
If she is committed to that path, why the obvious conflict in her? As far as how to handle it, I would stick with DB'ing. Given the circumstances, re-open the discussion on the S agreement. Be willing to talk about it, but also tell her you do not agree with her decision - you can't make her do anything, but you don't agree. By discussing the S agreement and telling her you can't make her do anything, you are giving her the responsibility for making the choice. You do not want her to leave, but if she wants, she, and only SHE, can make that decision. It seems like she, in common WAW tact, is blaming you for all the problems, thereby justifying her choice - dare I say she believes you have forced her to do this. The fact she is still conflicted may show she is leaving a little bit of the door open.
Be strong and have the discussion. Show her you will not shy away from discussing the S agreement, even though it is not what you want.
