Cautiously Optimistic

[Done in VA]

I've been on this board in newcomers for awhile & have been convinced to switch to the MLC forum.

Where to begin? H's Childhood...mom first marriage - his dad - supposedly dad cheated, divorced around age 2. Dad kidnapped him & took him out of the country(where he's from) - mom had to go get him. mom's 2nd marriage - about 6 yrs to alcoholic/abuser, mom's 3rd marriage - H is aged 11-13???, supposedly love of her life, left her, mom's 4th marriage - when H goes to college for 1 year, this guy leaves her. Currently single. Mom rarely let dad see him, hasn't had contact w/Dad since he was about 14. If asked about Dad, says - he just doesn't care about him yet, saw him get EXTREMELY mad when Dad sent a baby shower gift for our S. Would never open up to me about Dad. Mom is a narcissist. World revolves around her. Uses people & disposes of them. Love comes w/conditions. If you kiss her butt OR if you are in a position of power to do things FOR her, you are in her good graces. She always talks about H's childhood as it was "them against the world" or "H was just a good kid - he never gave me any problems". He almost became a surrogate H to her. Talked to him about finances...just weird stuff that a kid shouldn't be dealing with. H grows up as an "emotional stuffer".

Incidents pre bomb -
2005 - H had a job around 28 yrs old making $150K - very proud of it, everyone else was 40 yrs+. I always complained about his travel 3-4 days/week. I was home at the time w/a 2 & 3 yr old & I have to work evenings & weekends & would always be the one left scrambling. His company went thru a reorg & he got a new boss - a micromanager. Started complaining about him everyday. I said - why don't you tell him to screw off? You are so business-minded, you would be a great asset to become my partner & grow the the company. After months of consideration decides to do just that. Now mind you, in this industry, even if you are partners, there can only be ONE head of the company - no way around it...and that was me - so in reality, I was his boss.

Started w/me in 06. He also quit playing baseball around that time (which was always a source of contention) bc he said he knew he was going to have to work weekends & with the kids, it wouldn't fit into his schedule anymore.

Spring of 2008 - First thing was he wanted to go back to corporate america. Had a friend who still worked at company he left & they had gotten a really cool new boss shortly after her left. He would make comments like - I should have stayed there, that was such easy money. He then got really busy at working & doing really well so he didn't pursue leaving. He had been pulling away from me just barely noticeable

June 08, asked what was wrong - said nothing. He went from listening to rap music to country. Jacked up his truck (but he had always wanted to do that). Leased a new Infiniti (said it was for tax purposes since both other cars were paid off). He also started getting into fishing, got a gun, started hunting/shooting range.

Oct. 08 - Things did not change, a little more distant - asked what was wrong with him "the only thing I can tell you is that in premarital counseling I remember the counselor saying - doesn't it bother you when she talks over you? at the time it didn't, but somewhere along the line it did." I thought - we're just going thru a rocky patch, he doesn't like his job, etc. Not too concerned.

Nov/Dec 08 - starts walking ahead of me, won't sit by me at restaurants, if I go to hold his hand, will make an excuse to do something & not return to take my hand. I just think he's being a jerk - so I react negatively & get mad. I told him to get his resume together & encouraged him to be happy - why don't you go back to corporate america? Had another talk w/him New Year's Eve - he tells me that I've gotten cold & mean over the years. I come off as brash. Also had a talk with His mom says she notices him being an a-hole & talks to him...

The bomb - Jan 2009 - I ask him - what is wrong with you? he says - I have been too controlling. He never wanted to quit his job. He made up that he had a micromanager so that he could quit & get away from my nagging. He had also been resenting me about baseball. He said he never said anything to me about the way he was feeling & he knew he shouldn't have handled things that way, but he did & now he had these feelings & he couldn't fix them. He seemed sad & remorseful at the time. Most of his answers to my questions were "I don't know". Has also said he "felt lost". He immediately agreed to go to MC, but would never agree to "work" on the marriage. Little by little he took all physical contact away over the first month. We even went on a cruise together in March platonically bc he said he still had fun w/me & still "liked" me. Of course I told him I would change, but he was adamant that "people can't change".

March 2009 - starts job up in corporate America. Plays bball again. Team he is on is all younger guys - not family oriented...have parties - play beer pong, do shots at noon & act like they are in a fraternity.

Since all this in MC, once he said if I would have supported him in his passion of bball, we would not be in this mess. Next time says (with venom in his eyes) control & bball are only a 1/3 of the problem!!! I am just mean to him & other people. I am not warm & fuzzy, I am cold & not hospitable. Last session he admits that I have changed yet he doesn't feel anything for me.

Things a little different from many MLC's & who knows what's to come...no evidence of any sort of affair, not financially irresponsible & still maintains good relationships w/the kids.

On & on the roller coaster goes...never goes up very high...but certainly goes down pretty low. Sometimes I think it is taking me to the depths of he!!