I asked her about it directly, and her answer sounded pretty honest. She said (paraphrasing from memory) "Had OM been willing and had he pursued it, I probably would have had sex with him. I was at that point. He, however, was "too nice a guy" to do that, and did not want to risk his family, so he did not want to go further, so we did not"
I figure if she wanted to lie and cover up a PA, she would have lied in a way that cast her in a better light.
Last edited by Thinker; 07/08/0902:59 AM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Guess you'll never know for sure. Odd that she doesn't want a weekend alone. I would have loved one when my kids were young. And, if I was angry at my husband at the time, I would have spent a lot of money on myself that weekend. What's wrong with a weekend alone?
I think it is odd as well. I don't think it is a question of what she want's, but more a question of what she doesn't want. She doesn't want me to have (more) fun time with the kids without her.
I am mind reading, but I believe it goes back to her fantasy that I would disappear (but keep providing money), leaving her life intact. The idea that if she were to D me then the kids would spend half of their time with me and that that would be a happy time for the kids (as it was last week when I spent the week at the beach with them) is painful and frightening to her.
I have seen this on a smaller scale before. Recently she gets upset and jealous any time I try to do something fun alone with the boys - especially the older 2. She is with them all day when I am working, and eagerly leaves them with me in the evenings if she wants to go to the gym or out to meet friends, but if I make plans to go do something fun with them without her (a movie, minigolf, etc), she get's angry.
It also ties into the point in every D discussion we have had where she get's angry and starts calling me a selfish unreasonable jerk - when I calmly state that I would accept nothing less than joint custody.
Last edited by Thinker; 07/08/0912:18 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Thinker, I have to go back and read your posts. It sounds like you are in a similar situation as me. I have 3 and 5 year old boys. W is happy to leave them with me to go out and meet her friends at night, but reluctant to let me do stuff alone with them. She also would like me to just disappear and leave the house and financial support. She also is involved in a EA, i don't believe a PA. We just recently had a discussion about custody, and although she agrees that joint custody is in the kids' best interest, she wants to be the primary guardian (whatever that means).
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Orich, From a journal I found months ago, I know that my W was fantasizing about how wonderful life would be if only she and OM could get together and raise their kids jointly in one big perfectly happy family - fun and joy and love and sex and no problems ever because everything would be so perfect (yuck!! )
I think she is still holding on to that.
She get's upset at anything that conflicts with this vision: When I act as anything more than just a babysitter with the boys, when I take the boys to family events with my family, when I start talking about equitable (in the eyes of the law, not per her definition) splits of our assets, etc.
She is also going through a ton of stress and loss with her family and her parents, and I think this is making her hold onto her fantasies all the stronger.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I think my W might be further along than yours. She still has a fantasy world in her mind, but I don't think OM is predominant in it. I think her fantasy world is just as appealing to her with just her and the kids. She is willing to stay in this limbo we are in indefinately. She told me since she has no feelings for me that it would be easy to continue living in the house, even sharing the same bed. The more I see other sitch's here, the more hopeless I think mine looks. SHe is just plain done. I am more committed to dbing than ever, trying the last effort technique.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
It is interesting for me to note that when she is being completely self absorbed and self-interested (from my point of view), and I don't give in to her immediately, she immediately begins to accuse me of being a selfish jerk and yells "Why is everything always all about you!"
I didn't see it coming this time, but now looking back I see the same pattern every time. Next time I'll remember the script and see it coming. Previously I got defensive ("I am NOT being selfish!!"), but this time I just said nothing and held my ground. Next time....not sure. Any suggestions??
Goldmine if you keep your emotions in check, sounds like you are at a good spot to try this.
Next time just ask, "Why do you feel that way?" Validate, no defensiveness, let her rehash old issues, make her articulate what the issue really is. If she mind reads call her on it, "No that's not what I think/feel/believe. I will gladly tell you if you want to know." Let her spew, the anger needs to come out, it's how she feels so let her say her peace. Don't try to fix it or say "yeah but." I viewed this as - my wife needed a place to vent, I want it to be with me. Sometimes I would mentally detach and say OK anger is good so this must be really good. This is really hard to do if you are holding onto any anger or keeping score. Detach, drop the rope and be compassionate. It was key for me to let my wife talk/vent and me not get upset. This was a turning point for us. You can handle it Thinker. Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
LRT is pretty hard when you are living together. It basically means stopping most communication and just living parallel lives together in the same house. After a while the continued non-communication just becomes further justification to your spouse.
I fight just to keep some sort of communications going - "How was your day? What are the kids plans for tomorrow?" sort of talk - just to try to keep the tension in the house down.
Last night my W came home from a friends house, walked right past my office where I was working without saying a word, went into our bedroom, closed the door and went to bed. The clearly implied message: "I do not want to talk to you".
There seem to be pretty clearly defined guidelines for a lot of situations (ie If there is an active A, then expose it. If your spouse asks you to move out, then don't. etc), but there does not seem to be any clear thoughts on how to get out of Limboland. The best advice seems to be to move forward with your life, focus on yourself, make yourself a happy, confident person. At some point your spouse will either decide to work on things or decide to leave, or you will decide that you have had enough and it is time for you to leave.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
This really confuses me because as a near WAW, all I wanted was my H to stop GALing, look at me and articulate clearly that he did want to participate in improving our situation and working on our marriage. And, of course I wanted him to follow that with some action.
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