A Wife that has come back? Post Affair feelings ,,

[Deep]

Thanks for the replies!

Sara, V-H, I'm certainly considering having another weekend, together with another couple from our CORE who are also having infidelity issues. As it is, me and W go and help out at just about every retrouvaille weekend, at least during the registration.

DanceQueen, your post scares me. Sometimes, looking at my wife, I really feel her love, and yes I guess I'm thinking that after re-discovering each other, it is simply not worth the pain to confront her again and possibly undo the progress we've made. But that little voice inside keeps asking "Yes, but is this all really real?" God knows I've been fooled during the post-affair period. It does eat at me that I know there were lies then that we've not cleared up, that OM is still "there", that her phone still auto-deletes all sent messages.

How do I answer her when she says "Why do you focus on the pain we caused we each instead of moving on, and making me re-live what I did and rubbing my face in your pain. Isn't it enough that I tell you I love you and need you, regret what I did, and would never do it again? Don't trap me in what I want to leave in the past"?

GH, looking through your thread, we may have more in common. Here's a few of the twists in my tale (I mentioned I had some):

1) W attempted suicide before when I tried to force the issue. Yes, it's manipulative. But after one incident when an OD required ER and hospitalisation treatment, I have to ask if it's worth the risk.

2) Without the benefit of DB and DR, I did somethings right and many things wrong. My wife really only woke up when she realised I may actually walk. It's something that still disturbs me - endless "what ifs" haunt me.

What happened was that I confided in a friend and ex-subordinate that I had not talked to for 7 years. We had a great connection from way back and when a mutual friend put us in contact, we hooked up like the years did not matter. We were both fitness and kickboxing fans and took up where we left off. I started telling her everything. Without exagerrating, she kept me sane, took me off the booze I was hitting and was there for me 24/7 for 6 weeks. On week 6, SHE broke down and I discovered she had caught her H cheating in the 2nd week and kept her own pain down to deal with mine.

2 people with chemistry in our situation. Doesn't take a genius to work out what could happen right? Well it didn't in my view. Not even when in our online chat one day, she said "Deep, I want to have an affair". I actually took it that she was telling me her state of mind as a buddy and meant an A with someone else; advised her not to mess things up any more. Other women friends later told me I was about as dumb as they come. But a counseller I was seeing told me to cut off all contact if I wanted to keep my marriage. I did until one day she texted me 15 times between 12 - 6 am asking me why I was not there for her and that the pain was very bad. I simply could not just leave her like that and we hooked up again.

Things came to a crux when I flew outstation for a work trip and she also took the same trip, saying she had work there too. We spent the evening together (no sex) and the next day in the airport lounge she asked me to just say if I was doing the sane thing and leaving my wife (then still in love with OM) or to continue taking the pain. I told her my decision was to work on my marriage and that we would always be good friends.

One day, W went into my computer and cell and dug up messages from my friend. Went completely nuts. Accused me of hypocrisy, called her scum, made me open up all my emails and went on a rampage. And she refuses to take it as coincidence that my friend flew up to spend time with me. I may have gone closer than I should have, but I don't think I had anything close to the EA she accused me of. Haha, but the irony was that I was to cut off all contact with her.

W told me much later that it shook her that this could actually happen. I didn't go looking for it, but sometimes I do wonder what if it hadn't? W is keeping tabs on my communications with her.

3) W is pregnant. About 13 weeks now. She went for medical tests before that and had to remove some kidney stones and at first the gynae told us the baby will probably self terminate and if it didn't we should abort due to the amount of radiation she went through. W really wants this baby - to her, it's a re-affirmation of our love. Dealing with this has brought us very close. And despite the hormonal changes, W is working hard to show me she loves me.

This makes it even harder to even think of anything remotely confrontational. And I'm trying to silence that insidious little voice that's telling me "Deep, go for the paternity test ..."

Sorry for the long post.