A Wife that has come back? Post Affair feelings ,,

[Deep]

Hi, I just found this forum after reading DR and I just wish I had this resource when my life fell apart. I hope I won't be pissing anyone off as I'm not really sure what I'm doing here - partly venting, partly to seek views on my current situation perhaps? I've read through the abbreviations to hopefully make some sense as all the terms confused me when I first read the threads here.

Anyway, I'm 41 this year and caught my wife (38) cheating on me 4 Nov 2007. We've been together 16 years and were married just 2 months short of 10th anniversary when it happened, with D9 and S4. I suspected for some time before that. The usual stuff, texting from the bathroom, late nights and refusal to entertain calls or texts, beating me up for every thing I did. The irony was throughout our time together, she was paranoid that I would cheat on her. We're both attractive and look much younger than our ages and she certainly knew I had chances to stray - she also knew for SURE I did not and would not. E.g. we even had couples approach me for 3somes in the past and I never hid anything from her.

So it was like the sky fell when I found out. The sweet girl next door that I married could turn into this demon.

I did everything wrong when I found out. Thinking back, I really feel sick about myself and how pathetic I was. All I could do was cry and repeatedly whine "How could you?". Actually, the next 6 months hurt a lot more than the actual affair. I got the classic ILYBINILWY, a long list of the things I did wrong, and a million other hurtful crap. It was made extremely clear to me that she was in love with OM, and that she would stay only for the kids.

From there to here, there are a ton of twists and details, many of which I would like to post later as I sort out the mess in my head. There are many twists in the tale, which I won't bore readers here with in my first post.

Right now, I feel ironically even more messed up than ever. Back then, the RAGE in the year post discovery was bad, but what I'm feeling now is this burning anger at the back of my mind. I'm haunted by many of the hurtful things she did. I trust her, and yet I don't. And the sense of detachment which I forced upon myself (without the benefit of reading DB or DR then) has, if anything grown. Now in many growing ways, _I_ am the one that is feeling a growing lack of connection with her.

Oh, the paradox is that my current situation is perhaps what many might be working towards. W seems to have woken up completely around mid last year. She has been trying very hard, throwing herself into being the fantastic mum she was again, doing things to please me. Now and then, she breaks down and tells me how sorry she is. And at some point, the "ILY" switch seems to have been thrown. As we were trying to heal, she would qualify herself by saying she loves me, even if the love has evolved into something different, of caring for me. In the past few months, she has been telling me she loves me, and is in love with me. We have a support group that we attend post a marriage help program, and recently, she broke down in a sharing session where she called me a "gem", that she had almost lost everything that mattered.

These are the plus points, and I'm very, very grateful for them. Yet I can't seem to move on on a few areas.

One major one relates to my breaking a cardinal rule I guess. Everyone seems to stress no contact with OM means NO CONTACT. I would agree 100% and this was one major point of conflict with us. I flat out rejected her view that he could still be a friend and she wanted to keep him around then. It took me weeks to get her to delete his number and their online contacts. However, they've kept in contact, and still are to this day. Reason being he is a major client in her portfolio.

Perhaps I was too soft? Back then, one of the major reasons she gave for her "indiscretion" (as she calls it) was her frustration with our financial situation. She felt I was a bad provider with unstable sources of income. Sure, running my own business comes with risk, and I'm no tycoon, but I felt that having made 6 figures over the past 5 years shouldn't be a cause for shame. She wanted "more than that". Also, she had just started to make real headway in her career in her (then) new-ish job and for the first time was getting recognition and financial recognition. She was very proud of it and I was proud of her.

I just felt I could not take that away from her. She insisted she could not change her portfolio in any way and when the fights got really bad, she would scream at me that she would quit to get me off her back, but made it clear it would destroy her. She also said she will keep it professional and avoid unnecessary contact.

I did not think I could accept it, but just suffered in (mostly) silence. I guess that was a big part of the detachment. I had to force myself to stop caring so much or I would simply have gone mad.

It still bugs me that they are in contact. Sometimes, I just don't know what to think. And lately, I've been really out of sorts, feeling very lost myself now. I look at the family we have and the W I seem to have won back and tell myself "hey, you got back what you thought was lost forever, just be grateful".

Would appreciate any advice, and thanks for reading. Will post more later.

[wolverine1997]

You will never have peace of mind until the OM is COMPLETELY out of your marriage. She needs to understand that. She is going to have to made a decision. But so are you. Either you can deal with the guy being around and learn not to let it bother you, or you will have to tell her that you can't deal with it and she is going to have to make a choice. But right now you are giving her any easy way out and you are suffering in the process. It seems like you are just happy to have her back. But you also doubt that you truly have her back as long as he is in the picture. Hard decisions will have to be made by YOU and HER.

[Purple]

So you are still living together? Did you guys separate for any time? When you discovered the affair (btw was it PA or EA?) did she end it straight away (but still claiming that she was in love with him)?

I am in a similar-ish position in that my h seems to want back in. However, we are separated (and have been for about 2.5years) and though he doesn't want to let me go he puts off going to counselling and won't move back in. For some time now, I am not sure I want him back. The damage I think, has been done.

[Virtually_Handsome]

I'm going to swim against the current a little bit here...

From what I am reading the affair has been over for probably more than a year? And you have no reason to think that it's continuing. If that's the case, and she is willing to be completely transparent about the contact she still has with him, I might be able to live with a slight exception to the absolutely no contact policy. There are a few parts to my thinking. Part of it is that you keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. This way you know where he is, and what his connection with her is. So, that's part one. Part two is that at this point I think it's too late to try to enforce the no contact policy. That horse is well out of the barn. To try to do it now is going to look controlling, and she is also going to think that you are trying to punish her.

I understand your anger and bitterness. If you want things to work, you need to work on the healing side of things now. You know, in your case, a Retrouvaille weekend might be really helpful. I think the two of you could use a good chance to reconnect, and get to understand each others' feelings.

[Deep]

Wolverine and Purple: thanks for your replies.

I so agree with you. She thinks I'm childish that I can't let it go. And she feels that without committing to trusting her again, we'll continue backsliding. She does accept that she made a mistake and that I'm entitled to my feelings, but wants me to trust that she can keep it professional. She did offer to quit before, but it came with a clear picture of the negatives.

I don't know ... it's mixed up with my resentment over how I felt she protected him (at least back then). She was willing to stay, but it was for our kids, and (believe it or not) HIS kids. She told me I would regret it if I broke the news to OMW and the whole thing got out of control. Basically, a big part of why she stayed then was she could not bear to be seen as a homewrecker. But she told me if his wife found out, left him and got her fired by complaining to the company, I would regret it. I know he asked her to protect him, and that he would "make an arrangement" with her if I wanted D. The amount of time and effort she took to safeguard his position caused a lot of pain.

That guy is a real piece of work. He was 50, married with 3 kids, and his wife was undergoing tests for possible cancer then. And I really don't know what kind of scum he is. People having affairs would already feel bad enough about it I would presume. This guy actually had my wife invite me out to social occasions with the two of them around, and would even shake my hand, buy me a beer, and talk to me with her next to us. And he would deliberately talk my wife out of meeting me when I was really stressed out and needing her (there was once when he did did when next to me when we had a phone conversation - he took her out on a yacht instead). Oh, he's very rich. One of the hooks he used was a partial share in one of the many companies he owns for her to run and expand.

Purple: my wife has always (and still) maintained all they did was pet, talk, hold hands, but I know better. I've found an unfamiliar condom, and I dug out times when they spent whole afternoons in luxurious hotel spas with private pools and champagne. I'd rather not live in that particular denial. Actually, I would have preferred her to just be honest about it. But I know she can't. She is actually very conservative at heart; in our 7 years of courtship, I respected her decision not to have sex. She can't live with what she has done.

Our sex life during the A was actually crazy. She kept wanting it. But I can't put in words what it felt like when she told me after that she felt absolutely nothing for me, nothing when we kissed, and that just thinking of him set her off and we were having sex because she wanted him. Talk about brutal honesty.

When I found out, she agreed to stop the affair but insisted on being "friends". And yes, claiming that she had this special connection with him and being in love with him and only "caring" for me. She cares very deeply for the kids and did not want to hurt them. For the better part of 9 months, we lived in the same house, but seemingly on different planets, coming together mainly to scream at each other.

[Deep]

Hi Virtually_handsome.

Thanks, and I also agree with you. I guess I also resent the fact that that horse has long bolted due to my weakness I guess.

Btw, we did go to Retrouvaille. It saved our marriage, or at least gave us breathing space. Both of us were about to walk out when we went for the weekend. We re-connected for the first time in a small way by the end of the second day. She absolutely detested the thought of going but has thanked me since then many times for making her go.

The session I mentioned when she actually broke down and came out with words of praise for me was at a CORE sessions.

[Virtually_Handsome]

Maybe it wouldn't hurt to go again?

[GH31]

my wife has always (and still) maintained all they did was pet, talk, hold hands, but I know better. I've found an unfamiliar condom, and I dug out times when they spent whole afternoons in luxurious hotel spas with private pools and champagne. I'd rather not live in that particular denial.

It is no surprise to me at all that you're not healed and have put a wall up. Your wife is still acting in a way which loudly communicates "your feelings aren't important enough to me" and "lying is OK". How much better do you think you would feel about your marriage if there was NC in place, total transparency and a willingness to come clean about everything?

Seriously, this is why you are not healed.

I completely agree that it simply isn't possible for the marriage to heal from infidelity when the adultery partner is in the picture in any way shape or form, even and especially if the adultery partner is a family member.

Actually, I would have preferred her to just be honest about it. But I know she can't. She is actually very conservative at heart; in our 7 years of courtship

Incredible

Our sex life during the A was actually crazy. She kept wanting it. But I can't put in words what it felt like when she told me after that she felt absolutely nothing for me, nothing when we kissed, and that just thinking of him set her off and we were having sex because she wanted him. Talk about brutal honesty.

This sounds identical to my own situation. My W developed feelings for OM in the month before the A started. Our sex was wild, unfettered and powerful and, like you, I felt like just a pneumatic drill most of the time. The only time W would kiss me on the mouth is when we were at it like two pigs in a pen.

[GH31]

Actually, I would have preferred her to just be honest about it. But I know she can't.

Yes she can. Please stop making excuses for her.

She simply chooses not to in order that she doesn't have to face the utter shame and depravity that she let herself stoop to. Brushing it under the carpet is easier now but it's a cancer eating at you, as you've discovered.

What is unique about the conditions under which she's open and honest, or as honest and open as she gets?

[Sara]

Deep,

I agree with VH. Go back to Retrouvaille and get more out of it. I go to CORE meetings on occasion too, but they are not enough. You can always do Post sessions again for free, or you can go to the weekend as an Angel couple and help out and sit in on the sessions. There's always so much more that you can bring out about yourselves, and it's best to do it in the kind of safe setting that they provide.