WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[MrBond]

Hi CIPA,

I hope your son is doing much better. I know how kids think they're invincible at that age.

Well I guess you know the answer as to how you've been doing. You seriously need to cut off ties to your W. When I was S from my W, I barely talked to her. Of course, she had an OM to occupy her thoughts.

I can't believe she got you a copy of that self-help stuff that she's been reading. I think she's barking up the wrong tree. You know she could be going through a MLC like my W in terms of her regrets of past decisions, etc.

Just give her space and time to figure that out by herself.

When you go dark, you only talk to her when necessary. If she thinks you're being a jerk about it, let her. She can't TELL you when you can or can't pay attention to her.

JoshuaRoberts has a thread that shows how to detach to the extreme. I have reservations about his sitch because of the immaturity level of his W (literally), but his method could work in your sitch.

[confusedinpa]

Hi CIPA,

I hope your son is doing much better. I know how kids think they're invincible at that age.

Well I guess you know the answer as to how you've been doing. You seriously need to cut off ties to your W. When I was S from my W, I barely talked to her. Of course, she had an OM to occupy her thoughts.

I can't believe she got you a copy of that self-help stuff that she's been reading. I think she's barking up the wrong tree. You know she could be going through a MLC like my W in terms of her regrets of past decisions, etc.

Just give her space and time to figure that out by herself.

When you go dark, you only talk to her when necessary. If she thinks you're being a jerk about it, let her. She can't TELL you when you can or can't pay attention to her.

JoshuaRoberts has a thread that shows how to detach to the extreme. I have reservations about his sitch because of the immaturity level of his W (literally), but his method could work in your sitch.

Thanks Stuck,

I kept our 3 year old home with me today just as a precaution but about 5 minutes after he was up, I realized I could have just taken him to school. My wife did drop by this morning to drop off my 7 eyar old's sneakers so he could go to camp. She had woken me up, so much for making sure I am looking my best when I see her.

I didn't say much as I was still really beat (it was about 7:30 AM and I didn't get to bed till after 1:30 AM). I did notice that she still wasn't wearing a ring, but didn't say anything other than the tactical stuff.

She called about 9:00 AM to remind me to pick up Gatoraid for my 3 year old (ER Dr recommended him to drink some). I told her that I know and was planning on doing it this morning before we went home. I told her the 3 year old and I were hanging by the lake after dropping off the 7 year old at camp and would pick it up before we went home. She must have thought I sounded annoyed as she started explaining how she was just trying to help and had thought I was home already.

I guess that's her way of appologizing. I just told her that I've got it taken care of and I do appreciate her concern for our son. Then I asked if she wanted to talk to him. She said yes, but when I tried to pass him the phone, he said he didn't want to talk to her. She said it was ok and just asked me to let her know how he was doing later in the day. I said I would and hung up.

Then she text me a little while later about how tired she was. I didn't reply as her dad called me up to see if I still wanted to meet with him and his buddy that opened a bar to get his thoughts about opening a bar. I told him that I couldn't as I had our 3 year old but asked to do it next week. He said no problem.

Then her mom called for me to help her with her computer. I told her that I would stop by after I was done at the lake with my 3 year old.

So my 3 year old went to my wife's mom's house to fix her computer. Then we went to store to pick up the gatoraid and a new baseball bat for him. We had a really good lunch where at the end, he put down his fork and asked if it was time for nap yet.

It wasn't, but I told him that it was if he was ready, which he was. After I put him down, I made a pot of coffee and text my wife back to let her know how the 3 year old was doing. She then texted back a various chit chat type items. I responded to a couple, but then I realized I was going to run out of text messages if I kept this up so I called her to answer her question. I answered her question and was about to hang up when she asked a couple of more chit chat type of things. I kept it very light and cordial like a friend (I was very mindful of any pursuing type of comments).

I ended the call when she said that she would come over to the house tonite to eat dinner with us before we headed out to the 7 year old's soccer game. I said that sounded fine and hung up.

So this continues as a friendly type of approach and eliminate any pursuing behavior as I transition to dark. Not sure if sexual joking counts as pursuing behavior or not if she initiates it. Any thoughts?

[Tomato]

you can only control you and your actions and in this case your pursuing which you getting good at it seems. But pursuit from her or something maybe resembling that (and I would surely put sexual innuendos into that category)is most definetely a sign of her taking a step or two in your direction. Relish in it and pray for more of it.

T

[sandi2]

It kind of has me stumped about your wife. She keeps finding "excuses" to contact you but she turns around and reminds you how ugly she's treated you. I "know" why a WAW treats her H ugly, but I haven't really figured out why she persists in this contacting. Most WAW's want as little to do with their LBH as possible. The more the H tries to approach the WAW....the more ugly she will be toward him.

If you had the nerve to do it, I would think about calling her bluff on this S. In other words, see how serious she really is about sticking to her S from you. I just have a feeling that if she thought you didn't give a donkey's tail flip about her anymore, that she would break her neck getting you back. As I've tried to tell you before, it is human nature.....and especially with a WAW. However, I don't know if you've reached that place where you can do it b/c it would be the same as dropping the rope.

Just a thought.


Sandi

[PMA_Baby!]

My thoughts exactly. She is definitely showing signs of confusion, but is she strong enough to be vulnerable again.

Not very easy once you've been hurt especially if you are "stuck" and can't forgive.

Hopefully, she smartens up soon before it is too late.

PMA

[MrBond]

You still talk to her too much. You've got to do something drastic to shake her out of it. Look how many times you say you chit chat with her. There is and should not be any chit chat. Just the facts. Check out JoshuaRoberts' thread.

[confusedinpa]

It kind of has me stumped about your wife. She keeps finding "excuses" to contact you but she turns around and reminds you how ugly she's treated you. I "know" why a WAW treats her H ugly, but I haven't really figured out why she persists in this contacting. Most WAW's want as little to do with their LBH as possible. The more the H tries to approach the WAW....the more ugly she will be toward him.

If you had the nerve to do it, I would think about calling her bluff on this S. In other words, see how serious she really is about sticking to her S from you. I just have a feeling that if she thought you didn't give a donkey's tail flip about her anymore, that she would break her neck getting you back. As I've tried to tell you before, it is human nature.....and especially with a WAW. However, I don't know if you've reached that place where you can do it b/c it would be the same as dropping the rope.

Sandi,

She really has me stumped as well. Even my WAW friend, who I haven't talked to in 3 weeks (since I lost my job), thinks its really bizzare. Ironically, we both had our kids signed up for baseball (my 3 year old and her 4 year old) so she had actually seen my wife. She hadn't talked to her nor did I talk to my WAW friend in front of my wife. My WAW friend seen how at times she is distant (stands away from me) and other times is right next to me laughing and thinks its odd.

My WAW friend also witnessed the DAM I am as after one session, my wife called all upset about how cold I was acting towards her, I had thought we had a good time, but my WAW friend asked me the next morning if I had gotten in trouble with my wife. I hadn't realized how oblivious I was until that moment.

Anyway, I had thought I about what you had suggested. My therapist had a fancy name for it, where the person with the least interest in the relationship typically has all the power. Right now that's my wife as she keeps throwing in my face that she doesn't want a marriage relationship with me anymore.

Interestingly enough though, when we were eating dinner one of my friends called. I didn't answer it, but she made some comment about how she knew it I was right that it wouldn't take more than 2 weeks to have a girlfriend. I told her that I had thought that's what she had wanted me to do. She didn't seem to think it was funny, but I didn't tell her who it was.

Thanks again for dropping in and checking in on my situation. I appreciate you taking your time to share your thoughts and experience.

Take care

[confusedinpa]

quote=PMA_Baby!]My thoughts exactly. She is definitely showing signs of confusion, but is she strong enough to be vulnerable again.

Not very easy once you've been hurt especially if you are "stuck" and can't forgive.

Hopefully, she smartens up soon before it is too late.

PMA [/quote]

That's the intersting part of it. In her words, she is very clear that she wants a divorce and has no interest in having any relationship with me. She has even said that she sees that I've changed and don't know who that person is but it's not someone that she has any interest in. OUCH!

In my DAM opinion, I think she is/was genuinely hurt by the person she committed her heart to. She doesn't understand how someone who says they love her could treat/hurt her so badly so she can't imagine trusting that person again. Perhaps there maybe something there in her heart, but she is afraid to be hurt again. So she feels her path of least possible pain is to move on.

It's a real shame in for my boys and me.

That's why I know it will take time to regain the trust. I also know that consistency is the key to regaining trust. That's where I really struggle with the connundrum. As Wifey had mentioned, many newcomers flop around with many different approaches and strategies. I know I did that. It really confused my wife to the point where she has told me that she doesn't get me. Some days she sees me one way then next days I'm 180 degrees different. She doesn't get it nor does she want to try to.

I do agree, that I hope she figures it out before it's too late....

[confusedinpa]

Just some more journaling.

She came over for dinner before my 7 year old's soccer game. We talked about how tired she was as by the time she got back to her apt after the ER, she still had to put away the food from dinner (she left during dinner as that's when my 3 year old got hurt) and clean up. She said she didn't get to bed till after 1:30 because of the stress and got up before 6 AM.

Before we sat down for dinner, she started to stretch/twist her back. It made a really loud crack. I asked if that was her. She said yes and complained about her back. I gave her a hug to crack her back before we sat down. She then talked about various stuff.

My phone rang in the middle of dinner. I saw it was one of my buddies calling. I let it go to voicemal, but she made some comment about how she knew it I was right that it wouldn't take more than 2 weeks to have a girlfriend. I told her that I had thought that's what she had wanted me to do. She didn't seem to think it was funny, but I didn't tell her who it was.

After dinner, I put on the coach's T-shirt (I'm coaching my son's team). She noticed that the collar was really tight and made a comment about it. I told her it wasn't the most comfortable shirt I've worn. She went and got a pair of scissors and then helped modify to give my neck a little more room.

We didn't really talk much since I was coaching the game, but it looked like she had a good time. When the game was over, we drove home. After she used the restroom, my 7 year old made a comment about her leaving so soon. I was on my way to take out some trash so I let her just deal with it.

When I got back, she said bye to the boys. She said that she'll look for the coupon for the resturant that I had a hankering to go to for dinner tomorrow nite.

She would up sending me an email later tonite that was a "Pink Slip Get Together" for the recently unemployed to help people network. Ironically, it was on my birthday next Weds. I didn't reply to it.

So it continues.....

[confusedinpa]

You still talk to her too much. You've got to do something drastic to shake her out of it. Look how many times you say you chit chat with her. There is and should not be any chit chat. Just the facts. Check out JoshuaRoberts' thread.

Stuck,

I really struggle with going extreme dark. I'm trying to detach/drop the rope as I think that seems to have more of a reaction from her. It seems to peak her "interest" whenever I'm out when she calls or whatever.

I had tried the dark (not calling/responding, except to specific questions as it relates to the kids), but I did it badly as when we were together I was a cold jerk.

So right now, I am trying dark where I don't initiate calls/contact. I do respond (not to everything, but to about 50%) and am friendly when I do that. I had some backslides where we wound up on our old relationship talks, but I'm gathering focus to stop those talks by saying how we don't resolve anything when we just go around in circles. Unless she wants to talk about how to work on what was the problem, I don't want to waste my breathe talking about the same old stuff.

With kids, I can't be completely dark (as you know). Particularly as we have soccer twice a week now so we go to those together. Also, since I've lost my job, she drops the kids off to me a couple of times/week.

When I see her, I try to be the best CIPA I can be and maintain a friendship approach. I'm trying to avoid slipping into any pursuit type of behaviors.

I have noticed over the last couple of weeks where I've been on the friendly approach, she seems much more relaxed and seems to joke around more often. She even jokes sexually sometimes. I do agreem with Tomato, I think this is a good thing. Even last nite at the ER she did that. And during dinner today, she joked about it.

So is it working/helping or just enabling? Unfortunately, I'm too much a DAM to tell the difference.

Hope your situation is recovering and moving to a better place.

Best of luck to you and thanks for taking the time to check in on me.