well, i cant find my old post but my wife left in april of this year, i had my clues of her affairs.. no hard proof but she did admit to doing (forgot how she put it but.."?" things i think she said) anyway when she left she claimed she wanted it to work but she needed her space and time. long story short she decided to say we were done and we need to be friends.
we got togeather a couple times with a friend of hers and we went out a few times as a family to a fair and a couple resturants.. for the most part she seemed distant to me like i was forcing her to go when she agreed...
well, she had told me one day that she decided she no longer wanted us to work it out we need to be friends first and then maybe someday we can be more however at this point in time she no longer wanted to try.... well we were driving back to her van with the kids in my car and my older daughter was crying, she asked her why and she said she wanted us to be a family again. I told my wife that the consoler said we need to stop getting togeather in front of the kids because it gives them false hope if we are not going to work it out. she seemed mad and said "oh, so you decided already we were done?" I said no the consoler knows what is going on and told me that for the kids sake.
well I guess fast forward a bit not much has changed other than a few arguments where she gets pissed if i dont talk to her (i had even changed the cell number leaving her the home number to call), and she tells me she will always love me, misses me and misses all the good times we had. even says we fight because we both love eachother and the feeling are too strong (WTF?)
then she goes on to ask me about a prev. conversation where i wanted to see a new movie with a friend but didnt know who to take. she asked if i still wanted to go see it with her. (as "friends" she makes sure to say) so I said yeah sure i would like that. she told me to pick a day, well i do but it wont work for her (me too as i later found out) so she picks today(monday) well she called this morning and cancelled and tells me we will go on wed. while talking to her she also says we try too hard to be friends and we need to take it slower well IDK what to think she is all over the place.
I get the feeling some days like she is told or feels she has to leave for some reason. it's like she has to stop her self from getting close to me again
If I were you, I wouldnt be her friend, or at least I would keep her at arms length. As long as you let her keep stepping on you, she will. Women like men who stand up for themselves. Lovingly detach from your situation, and her. I
Im sure that she is feeling like she has to keep from getting close to you, or giving you false hope, she is in a Walk Away fog and can probably convince herself that water isnt wet and the sky isnt blue right now.
If she invites you to the movies I would accept her invite, and if she flakes dont make another date, hopefully she will see that she cant string you along, but thats just my opinion. But, above all, you dont invite her.
Keep things business, you dont contact her unless its about the kids, and when you do, be upbeat, and you be the one to end the conversation. Make yourself mysterious, start to do some really interesting things, make her miss you I guess is the thing.
If you havent read the Divorce Busting books, you really should, and take their advice. Its scary, but it works.
Good luck, keep posting, other people with more experience and better advice than I have will post.
Last edited by bluerain; 07/07/0904:31 AM.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
yeah, I have the bookdivorce remedy. It does seem like the more i push her away the more upset she gets.
I had to think long and hard about the reschedule to wed. for the movies. (I got back to her later on it) she gave me a story on how the sitter was unable to watch our son. (we both dont want our friends to know we were going out, too many friends have been sticking there nose in our buissness and I brought it up to her not to tell anyone and she felt the same) which is why I could not go looking for a sitter for him.
I will have to try better at keeping her at a buissness distance. Ive tried so many times befor but she finds reasons to call about the kids. she never fails to ask what time we exchange the kids even though it's the same time every week. even if on the prev exchange i verify it she still calls.
Im not good and keeping my mind off of her and she I think knows this. I do follow the book where i try and do alot of the differant things and stay buisy, (my weekends with out the kids she likes to call sunday morning- I think its her way of checking to see if i stayed out) I don't tell her i love her. she will say it to me once in awhile usually after i got some distance from her.
Im always open to ideas and support in general. anything to keep me buisy.
If I were you, I wouldnt be her friend, or at least I would keep her at arms length. As long as you let her keep stepping on you, she will. Women like men who stand up for themselves. Lovingly detach from your situation, and her. I
Im sure that she is feeling like she has to keep from getting close to you, or giving you false hope, she is in a Walk Away fog and can probably convince herself that water isnt wet and the sky isnt blue right now.
If she invites you to the movies I would accept her invite, and if she flakes dont make another date, hopefully she will see that she cant string you along, but thats just my opinion.
Mine too. KEEP DOING WHAT YOU WERE DOING THAT SHE RESPONDED TO. The biggest mistake people (especially men) make is that, at the FIRST sign of their spouse responding, they immediately go all "melty man" and revert back to their old behaviors.
"Wednesday? Gee, I'm sorry, I already have plans that day, and Thursday too. How about Friday?"
Your wife has a prior history of infidelity, and of fraudulent behavior concerning money. Please protect yourself.
If I were you, I wouldnt be her friend, or at least I would keep her at arms length. As long as you let her keep stepping on you, she will. Women like men who stand up for themselves. Lovingly detach from your situation, and her. I
Im sure that she is feeling like she has to keep from getting close to you, or giving you false hope, she is in a Walk Away fog and can probably convince herself that water isnt wet and the sky isnt blue right now.
If she invites you to the movies I would accept her invite, and if she flakes dont make another date, hopefully she will see that she cant string you along, but thats just my opinion.
Mine too. KEEP DOING WHAT YOU WERE DOING THAT SHE RESPONDED TO. The biggest mistake people (especially men) make is that, at the FIRST sign of their spouse responding, they immediately go all "melty man" and revert back to their old behaviors.
"Wednesday? Gee, I'm sorry, I already have plans that day, and Thursday too. How about Friday?"
Your wife has a prior history of infidelity, and of fraudulent behavior concerning money. Please protect yourself.
Here's a quick list of the DB principle all together.
DO’S & DON’TS FOR LBS
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off! 2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only! 4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject. 6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse. 7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self respect and self confidence. 8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.) 9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better. 10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) 11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.) 12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude. 13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice. 14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go. 15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, you need to wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative. 16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also. 17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it. 19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that. 20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf. 21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight. 22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake. 23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel! 24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works! 25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying. 26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). 27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake. 28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only. 29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse. 31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them. 32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared. 33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return. 35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary. 36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise. 37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
If you stick to these, you are a good DBer!
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
