Life After the Affair

[MrBond]

WDID,

I read that ebook that GH suggested and I think you should take a look at it first before giving it to your H to see if you agree with it.

It has alot of alpha male behavior in there which might not be in tune with what you want in him.

Just my .02

[sandi2]

Hi WDID,

I wanted to tell you that I identify with so much of what you have said. I also hope that you will detach yourself from that friend. I have had to do the same thing with people who wanted to be my friend but who were not healthy for me. It is not pleasant, but it is necessary. Maybe your H doesn't say anything, but I bet when you complain and talk about that friend to him....he gets tired of hearing it. I am basing that on what my H told me once and I haven't forgotten it. We don't realize how a friendship with another person affects our MR. But it does. So, for your own emotional health and for the sake of your M, please stop the friendship with that woman. Anytime we have a R with another person who makes us feel the way you feel.....it needs to end. You do not owe her anything. You feel obligated b/c she was there for you, but look where you were! I don't see her being the kind of friend anybody needs and I can almost promise that she will find somebody else when you detach from her. She is the type to drain people of their energy and emotions and everything else that she can get from them and then move on to the next victum.

I also understand so well what you are saying about your H. I am so thankful that I woke up in time to see what I was doing and that I still have my M with this man today. I also understand the shame and the embarrassement and how you would almost die if anyone discovered what you did. I know how you feel. It was the hardest thing in this world for me to try to find a place of forgiveness for "Sandi". I felt God had forgiven me, and my H had.....but I just couldn't seem to get there. It took a long time......a long time! But it finally came. Yes, I still have regrets and I would be terribly embarrassed if anyone found out, but I knew that I was not doing myself of my M any good by continually beating myself to a pulp every day. I don't think we can move forward as long as we allow our "guilt" to hold us down. It's not just for our good but for those we love. It's not fair to our H's to stay in a guilt ridden place.

I am concerned about your sexual R with your H. He clearly is not being what you desire and I'm sure you are more than a little frustrated about it. You know he's a good man and you love him and don't want to hurt his feelings. You know his ego took a terrible beating when you had the A and that is probably why he is approaching you in the LM like he is. Was he like this before the A when things were good?

We women know how fragile men's ego are and it makes it very difficult to know how to approach the subject of what they are doing wrong in bed. That is one things they sure don't want to be told they are not doing great! However, I think most men want to know they are really pleasing their woman. Now, I don't agree about telling him your fantasies. B/c most of our fantasies don't include our H. Or is that just me? Anyway, I do agree that you could tell him what you fantasize of him doing for you sexually. Tell him that at this time in your life you need a mucho man who takes his woman and throws her down and has his way with her. None of this softie stuff and baby-talk! I agree with you sister! It is a huge turn-off. ARE YOU LISTENING GUYS?

Maybe some of the men could chime in to give hints as to how to break it to him. Instead of pointing out what he's doing "wrong", tell him what you are dreaming of him doing. Have the two of you ever played out a fantasy? Like tell him this "role" or "personality type" you want him to protray and see how he does that and if he doesn't know how, then you may have to guide him through it the first time.

Now me......I was very silly b/c I wanted my H to just read my mind and know what I wanted. However, I have learned that he can't read my mind and if I tell him.....it is so much better than not saying anything and carring that frustration around until it builds up into a bad situation.

WDID, I hear you loud and clear, sweetie! I understand about wanting to feel that sexual excitment and knowing that other men find me attractive, and the flirting makes you feel alive and like a woman. It makes us feel pretty. But, that was what got me into my trouble with OM. Thankfully, I feel that that has passed. It doesn't seem to bother me that way anymore. It is a real relief to feel like I'm back to normal. It took a long time for me to start feeling any warm feelings toward my H. But, I can happily say that things are good now and I feel confident it will last.

I want you to be okay, sweetie. I want you to come here and spill your guts. Do whatever you need to do to get to a better place in your life. I think you are still having some delicate spots and need to be handled carefully.

Come over to the Piecing Forum and find me at Sandi's Place. I would love to hear from you anytime.

Sandi

[GH31]

GH, would I read that book or my H?

Actually, Didi it is best if you both read it. The author himself suggests that.

best wishes,

GH31

[GH31]

Didi,

Sandi has some incredible insight to give you here, and I also think she does us chaps a huge favour too.

I also hope that you will detach yourself from that friend.

I hope you will too. She backed you in cheating on your husband - even though your H doesn't mind this friendship, the greatest favour you can do for him is to let her go.

I can almost promise that she will find somebody else when you detach from her. She is the type to drain people of their energy and emotions and everything else that she can get from them and then move on to the next victum.

Sandi is right. This parasite will find another host to lock on to, all in the fullness of time.

Now for the fun stuff.

Anyway, I do agree that you could tell him what you fantasize of him doing for you sexually. Tell him that at this time in your life you need a mucho man who takes his woman and throws her down and has his way with her.

I did this exact same thing with my W the other day. As I was leaving for work we were having some fun banter. She kissed me passionately as I was leaving for work so I just took her by the arm, led her through the house and once through our bedroom door picked her up and threw her on the bed and had my way with her several times. I would have picked her up sooner but the narrow passageways in the house would have been hazardous to her.

It works. Sandi, is this what you refer to? That's not to say my marriage is great - in fact it is horrendous, but the sexual side for us has always been good.

best,

GH31

[sandi2]

It works. Sandi, is this what you refer to? That's not to say my marriage is great - in fact it is horrendous, but the sexual side for us has always been good.

Yep! You got it.

I don't think we need to share fantasies if they do not include our spouse.....and "they" (people who say they know... ) all say that it is normal for us to fantasize about other people other than our S. However, if we shared that information, it may be a good way to get into a heap of trouble. I wouldn't want to know about my H trying to think I was another woman......or even what his fantasies about some OW may be. After all we went through with my EA, I am not going to discuss any fantasizing about some other guy! Are you kidding? So.....to keep things safe and everyone out of trouble....I say to fantasize about your S doing wonderful things.

Have fun!

Sandi

[Yoyowife]

Didi,
How about watching a movie with a wonderful love scene in it with your H. You could always hint about how romantic it is. I'm having a hard tme thinking of any movies right now. I've tend to stay away from love stories right now. The "Notebook" had some pretty romantic scenes in it. See, I told you it had been a while since I had seen a romantic movie.

Anyone have any other movie suggestions? I'm at loss.

Hugs, Yoyo

[whatdidido]

Stuck- I'm not sure about the book with the alpha male behavior, although that IS what I need more of right now....at least in SOME ways. Guess I should just check out the book and see.

Sandi- SOrry it took me long to respond to your response. I read it right away, but just didn't have time until now to really respond well. Thank you so much for understanding.

I'm detaching from that friend. I'm making myself busy with other people now, too. My husband said the other night that he had always known that friend was bad but did nothing about it...didn't say anything, etc. He blames himself a lot for not doing things or saying things when he should have. I told him that it was my choice, and it was a bad one. You are very right that she will find someone else. She always does. She acts as if she really needs you, but if you don't respond quickly she has already called another person that she really needs. I do realize all of this. It's time.

It's nice to have someone understand the shame I feel. The guilt is slowly going, especially as those old frustrations of our marriage are coming back. It will always be there, though...the shame that is..

Yeah, I'm concerned about my sexual R with my H, too! You asked if he was like this before the A....the answer is yes. There were major issues in the sexual area.....it's why I am understanding more how I got to the place I did....Sex was lacking, something felt missing, made me feel ugly/undesired/unwomenly....etc. We talked last night, and I told him about the baby talk turn off, etc.

I like the fantasy idea, but I feel we are sooo not even close to something like that. Just normal sex with me feeling like he wants me would be nice at this point.

Our talk brought up the same stuff. Basically, our problem has become huge now. He wanted it to just get better, without doing anything, or talking about it, and it never did, so now he feels like it is this HUGE thing. Which it is, but still. There's a lot more to it, but I'm not comfortable disclosing it all here. Maybe I could move to the SSm forum or something or talk one on one to someone outside of a forum.

My OM feel good time is passed like you, but I do miss having someone that "wants" me sexually or desires me as a woman. I would love my H to do as GH31 did, and mean it. For him, it would feel like a fake.

Yoyo, thanks for your suggestion. My H knows the kind of love I want. We've watched those movies, I've told him...the issue is that he can't seem to cross the wall. He has one, and I've built up a self-preservation one as well.

The result of the talk was us staying up late and me getting a huge headache, and him saying that he is going to find a counselor that he can talk about this to. I told him that it is something I can't help him with. I can support him, and I can do what his c suggests or thinks would help, but ultimately it is him that has to want me. I can't make him do that. I know he loves me, and I love him, I regret so much ignoring this problem for so long.....long meaning about 10 years or so. After he gets going on c, I will see if I need to see someone different as well to help me with the tearing down of the wall I have built.

Anything I'm not thinking of? Anyone with any ideas/personal experience that can help?

[kat727]

I think even a visit to your regular doctor might help your H. I know that when I went to IC after all of this happening with my ex, I told her that I just wasn't sure that I was a sexual person. She disagreed.

I have done quite a bit of reading on my own, blushing most of the way. However I realize that if a guy thinks this is the way love is expressed to him, then I need to face that. I think a lot of my issues stemmed from the first affair and never really addressing it.

Theoretically those issues wouldn't exist right out of the box with the next guy I consider having a R with. So I am more hopefull. I think you both need to explore each other with the actual act being taken off the table. I think that will relieve some pressure plus be a great way to try new stuff for foreplay. Slowly things will progress. Say what you like and encourage him to do the same. I think there is always help available, we are just afraid to ask.

hugs, kat

[GH31]

Hey Didi,

Good to hear from you again.

I would love my H to do as GH31 did, and mean it. For him, it would feel like a fake.

For heavens sake please, please, please get him to read that book. The way I look at it is this... my goal is to have a woman who is literally thrilled to be my wife.

The fact that no fantasy/affair is in progress anymore would mean if your husband were to do this stuff you would literally want to jump his bones and you would be thinking about what took place for the rest of the day. I cannot for the life of me understand why any man wouldn't want his wife to experience this on a regular basis.

I'll share something else with you which may be a little graphic. In March I did a similar thing with my W and ended up making love to her 4 times before going to work - in fact I ended up being about 1½ hours late for work. Hours later I sent my W a text which said I just imagined running my tongue up the inside of your thigh, did you feel it? to which she replied that she was still feeling the effects of this morning and bemoaned my taking advantage of her but she was quite happy about it.

This has worked on my wife even whilst a full-blown addictive EA fantasy has been in progress. You guys don't have any EA/PA to deal with anymore. Please have a read together - it's written in a language that us blokes can readily understand.

It's not just about alpha male behaviour. It goes into detail about the natural ways men and women differ in their communication styles - i.e. why you might feel that you've been trying to tell your husband things for years and why he hasn't "got it". It will show your H how to "read" you - my W still complements me on how well I understand and "get" her ... which is what's so perplexing about my situation but that's another story.

In spite of our marriage being torn apart by my verbal abuse, anger and selfishness and W's subsequent EA/PA, our sex life has always been great in the ten years we've been together, and I wish I could tell your husband exactly why that is because I know.

[whatdidido]

Thanks, Kat, and GH. It's our anniversary today. I'm going to check out that book and see what it is all about...is it online? I'm open to anything. Worth a try.