Hi, I wanted to talk to you to let you know that I was concerned for you and your M stitch. I am so sorry about your son and although I've not had a child with the same problem, I do have a two children (grown now) who are disabled. One was diagnosed with a disease when she was a young teen. So, I've been on that end of the day to day stress and feeling very responsible for the future health of your child. Maybe it is just the make-up of "mothers" but I think maybe some take on too much of that burden on themselves instead of allowing the dad to share it with them. I think I did the same thing with our D b/c my H seem to stick his head in the sand instead of "dealing", so I felt as though I "had" to be the one to make sure everything was taken care of and that she "lived".
The real horror in your story is when your W was raped. IMHO, no woman can work though the nightmare of that ordeal without professional help. Maybe the "therapist" was not smart enough or perhaps their personalities clashed or whatever the reason....your W "ran" from the therapy sessions. Maybe the therapist was not experienced enough. Was this a "counselor" or what kind of therapist? Was this "rape" therapy?
She had already suffered from the post-partum depression and had not healed from that when she was hit with stronger depression of the problems with the son. Then the rape happened and that sent her over the edge. I'm really surprised she did not have to be hospitalized due to her mental/emotional condition. What did you do when she sat around the house like a zombie? Did you take her to the hospital?
As a woman, I think I could see why she would never want to have sex again. How could she when she was never able to emotionally work through the rape? She did try for your sake to ML and be a good wife. But, it got to be more than she could handle. It wasn't your fault, but she wasn't equipped to deal with it without professional assistance. I don't know if any woman could.
It seems that something "cracked" (for a lack of better words) in her thinking and was almost like a "survival" issue when she said she was going to take back her life. If only she had had some constructive help in doing that after the rape, then maybe she would be in a healthy place now. However, she wasn't healthy emotionally, so she tried to do it on her own terms and it has backfired. She went too far the "other" direction and now "appears" to be having MLC symptoms included. I said "appears" b/c I don't know that that is what's happening. She may be trying to escape her world and the reality of what has happen to her.
She may be going to bar scenes and the party lifestyle, but she won't be having sex with anyone......IMHO. I don't think she "can" until she can get help. She may "try".....but when it comes right down to doing it....I don't think she can go through with it.
These little "silly" things she grips about is only a cover-up of her real problem. You must know that. And of course she acts unhappy and mad all the time. I WOULD TOO! She has plenty to be mad about! All these years of this horrible stuff she's kept bottled up inside of her is coming out in other bad ways. I don't know how she's kept from losing her mind. In some ways, it may look as though she's NOT keeping her right mind b/c of the way she's living. I think her mental ability could no longer deal with her life the way it was and she wanted to escape so badly, that she took a completely opposite direction in what was "normal" for her. Do you see what I mean? This woman you see today is not who your wife is! Right? She is trying to be a different person b/c she doesn't want to be that raped victum. She's tired of feeling that responsibility for the daily grind of your son. Why couldn't she have a "normal" child like other people? Now she may not say this out loud, but I'll bet she's "thought" it. All parents who have a child with special needs think that at one time or another. And.....it is very physically, mentally & emotionally "draining" on parents. Most don't admit this to people b/c they're afaid of how they'll be judged......but the emotions are there, all the same.
After all this time, everything caught up with her and her mind and emotions could not handle it. Of course she's depressed! My God! How could she NOT be depressed? I don't think that type of depression CAN go away on it's own. She not only needs medication, but intensive therapy. It has been so long that it makes the situation even worse....I think. Time does not heal in these matters.....it only intensifies the problem. Perhaps you could not have physically picked her up to make her go to a doctor, but somebody needed to do something for this woman a long time ago. I know......a person has to be "willing". And....I know that you, as her H, felt helpless to a point. But, until she gets the treatment she needs.......I personally do not see any change for the better in the future. She needs professional help and that's all there is to it.
As far as people giving you advise as though she is a "textbook" WAW........I don't see how anybody could....b/c she certainly IS NOT a typical WAW. I don't see how she could even be thought of like that. If she "is" in MLC, that adds to the severe problem at hand. I feel very sorry for you, friend, b/c I don't know what to advise you. I only hope and pray that some way, some how, you can convince her to get professional therapy.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
