Living, Loving, & Learning one day at a time

[Treese]

Silent....thanks for checking in on me....wow....you brought up alot of good points and true....geezzz..

I too am an emotional person...some days I wish I wasnt...

Today I was just sitting here at the computer and my H texted me wanting to know if he could give his father money for his bday (I control the money)....when I saw that the text was from him my heart started pounding...I mean I thought it was going to come right out of my chest...it's awful....so one more phone call....to the doctor to get something for this anxiety...

I really never thought I would read that he wanted to move forward...he has said it plenty but I've never seen it in black and white....

I will call the attorney in the morning...I don't want to do this alone either...I would rather my attorney show up in court and just sign for me...I can't face him...it's way too painful...he is so ready to just get me out of his life it's scary...

While talking to him the other morning, I had brought up the OW's X...she divorced him to be with my H....they were married 21 years...well, this man had been after my H for a long time...wanting to hurt him....I said I don't want my son at OW's house because I was afraid of this man...he said..."I don't care about him anymore, he's already remarried and moved on"...what in the world is wrong with people....the man wasn't even divorced a year and already remarried....which leads me to believe he was cheating on OW....Yikes....the drama...

So, tonight I was just watching TV....relaxing...and I was falling asleep and all of a sudden my heart starts pounding and I start thinking of this crap all over again...uuugggghhhh!!!

So, to answer your question about if there was one man on one side and H on the other....at this point....I'm not sure...I don't like my H right now...at all....I may pick the other man...I deserve to be treated with respect....that's all I ask...everything else falls into place...

thanks for the kind words....Treese

I need to get on FB....my daughter needs to help me...

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((((Treese))))))

I am sure that you will be treated with respect! I don't know if your H can ever do it, I'm not convinced he's ever really done it.

To add to SC's line of thinking, I'm not sure H saying he would change should be enough. I think I'd want to see the change, and for a significant length of time.

[Silent Chrleader]

...... my heart started pounding...I mean I thought it was going to come right out of my chest...it's awful....so one more phone call....to the doctor to get something for this anxiety...

I too have a long history of panic disorder. There is no nobility in sitting and suffering in silence. It's good that you are calling your doctor for something to help that.

...... he is so ready to just get me out of his life it's scary...

I would say he's more ready to stop feeling guilty, but I think he will find that commodity not so east to find as he may think.

I will tell you something else I have notice recently in my own sitch that surprises me. When I really finally let go.......I mean really let go..... which for me meant several things.......

1) Letting him have "the dream house" with my full blessing.....we had been building it for our retirement on 40 acres of view property during the last 3 years of our marriage, and he had promised me that if we D he would sell it, and that he wouldn't take any other women up there......he reneged on both promises..... You see my H had always wanted property but thought we couldn't afford it, and I was always trying to buy his approval. That property was my biggest (and last) example of that. But, I came to the decision to see that property as a gift of love and as such should not have conditions on it. It was excruciating, but the person I want to be is one who gives of love freely....so I let it go.

2) I stopped worrying about whether my actions were "DB" or not. I just started really thinking about what was in my heart and being true to that. Don't get me wrong. "DBing" has helped me immeasurably during the past year and a half of my life when my emotions were spinning and I didn't know what to do. It helped define where I wanted to get to. However, I kept faking it and felt like I was getting no closer to making it, so then I stopped "faking it" and went through a very tough couple of rollercoaster months (my supporters here thought I was a hopeless case because I would seem just grand one day and then have these major backslides!), but then I found that I had suddenly "made it" (at least in some part). I think I just really needed to be true to myself in the face of the knowledge that my H was likely never coming back. "Holding my tongue" in the hopes of "motivating him to come home" was not working for me.....perhaps because I knew in my heart that he wasn't going to......?? Or maybe because I really knew he couldn't be the man I wanted him to be.....??

3) I have stopped worrying so much about how H's behavior is/was hurting our kids. I realize now that I had been stepping between them to protect both my kids and my H for many years (long before he left) and I now see that that was not my place. Whatever relationship our kids have with their dad is up to them completely. And that even goes with your younger son. With the exception of things that involve his safety (and hopefully that is not something that you need to worry about) it needs to be left to your son to tell his dad if he is not comfortable with a situation. If your son talks to you about it, you should encourage him to be truthful with his dad. Not do it for him, but empower him to advocate for himself. It will be more powerful coming from him than you to your H anyway. And it also may be true that the reason that your son might feel uncomfortable going over to his dad's "new place" is because he sees that it hurts you, more than it really bothers him to see his dad with someone else.

Also, another thing to think about is that the more "illicit" his R with the OW, the more he is motivated to keep it "to prove everybody wrong". Take that away (which is really scary I know!) and contrary to what you might think (i.e. then he wouldn't have to feel guilty) it might actually have the effect of taking away that "excitement" for him and you may be surprised at the result......Not that it really matters, because even if that were the case, that would only prove what a schmuck he really is and that you really don't need him!!!

Anyway, when I really let go and let my H know it, I was surprised to find that I actually started seeing more of the H I knew in his behavior. My H too had never really done anything financially to hurt me (like your still allowing you to keep control of the money......a fact that I think is very telling on what he knows to be true underneath his bluster!). Once I stepped back and really took away my part in laying on the guilt and he didn't have to justify himself to me, I have found that he is much more willing to listen to my concerns and caring of me in general. This past weekend, my S18 was to join his dad and OW and her family up at the dream house to do some work (something that not so long ago would have killed me!) Well, S18 flaked out on his dad because he "wasn't ready for that", and I ended up calling H at 11pm Friday night after I ran into S18 at a fireworks show and he was drunk. H and I talked for a half hour on the phone about S18 and our sitch and I told him that I chose to believe he was trying to spare me pain by not telling me about this weekend and who was going to be there, but I found that behavior to be disrespectful and a bad example to S18, and H actually agreed! I then said that I knew that the distance between H and S18 hurt them both very much and that I would do all in my power to encourage S18 to do his part in mending that. H thanked me and said that he wanted S18 to go with them NOT to get him to be "part of his new family" at all, but H wanted to show S18 that HE was still the most important thing to H, regardless of any other "side relationships" (H's words) he has.

Well, wow, this is a lllooonnnggg post, and I am sorry for hijacking your thread, but I just thought I would share what has worked for me. I have asked myself a lot lately if whether or not "standing" is a choice. We do choose what we physically do of course, but I mean emotionally. I think that we each have our own journey to take and we "get there" when we are ready and not before. There are ways to make things easier along the way, but there are really no wrong answers. Ya' know?

....... I'm not sure H saying he would change should be enough. I think I'd want to see the change, and for a significant length of time.

Absolutely!!! "Saying" it would never even remotely be in the same universe of being "enough"!!!!

.........I deserve to be treated with respect....that's all I ask...

You deserve that and so very much more, Treese!!! You deserve to be cherised and protected for the warm, giving woman you are! You deserve happiness and joy!

Take care!!

[[[[[[[[[[BIG HUGS]]]]]]]]]]

[Treese]

Silent....wow....thanks for taking so much time with me....

I been just hanging out...pretty depressed but trying to pull myself out of it....here's a chain of events....

1....S12 goes camping with friends over the holiday...supposed to come home last Sunday or Monday...ended up coming home on Sunday early...I was happy because I couldn't get a hold of him at the campgrounds...no signal...it was his birthday and I was crushed....I did leave a message in case he could retrieve them...I think he grew...he looked bigger when he got back...I just hugged and kissed him....I missed him...
2...D22 was here since last Tues moving her fiance back home because of his job...she went back and forth between our houses...Sunday I cooked out...just the 5 of us....and we sat at the table...laughed and told stories...it was so nice..D22 went to bingo with my mom and when the got home we all played cards...it was fun...

3. Monday morning D22 left for home...I was sobbing...I cry harder every time she leaves because its longer and longer between visits...I miss her, she is my rock...she comes to my house and fixes everything...I'm learning but she is a very independant woman, and guess what... I raised her... she will never have trouble on her own...never has....

4...D17 senior pictures needed ordered so she drove me to that appt....I'm trying to teach her to drive on top of everything else...we had fun ordering those....


Then I bowled last night with the girls...I am a sub for them and its so much fun....

Got home and didn't get to bed until 12 :30..

On top of this I have started a health diet...not to lose weight but to be healthier...walked 40 mins. yesterday...shins are hurting this morning..shin splints....blah..

Then I was on the computer and all of a sudden my phone beeps...guess who? I see that it is H...heart is pounding....wonder what he wants now....I read it....It says, "buddy have fun?"...my first thought was wow, he hadn't even tried to contact him but why didn't he just text my son and ask him...why me....it's another calm before another storm...aauuuuggghhhhh.....

I text him back and just say....he got home on Sun. and yes her had fun...

of course, he says "I thought he was coming home on Monday"...at this point I don't even want to talk to him...why? I ask myself....he claims he's done with me and if he is I dont' need to talk to him...he can talk to the kids directly....he makes it a point to get into my head and mess with my heart...its time the tables turn...

My question is....why is he texting me? Is it to be nice so I'm nice back and will do what he wants? I won't...I can't...

sorry for the long post.....

[Andabelle]

Maybe you should tell him to call buddy and ask him himself. Not good DB, but your H p!sses me off. You can do so much better...

[job]

Your son is old enough to have a conversation w/your h. I have to agree w/Andabelle....he should be contacting buddy to ask him if he had fun. He not only pisses me off, but I could take a couple of swings at his head with a baseball bat.

[dl443322]

Why Snodderly, you go girl!

Treese, dont try to figure out why your h does what he does because you will be chasing your tail and really who cares?

I think it is perfectly ok for you to have texted back, why dont you ask Buddy how it went. I am sure he would love to tell you all about it.

Do what is best for YOU and your kids. To heck with h.

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((Treese))))))

Next time I would be sorely tempted to ignore his text. If he wants to know if his son had fun, he can make the time to actually talk to him. It's not your problem.

Other than that, you know what I think of him! I'd be happy to help snodderly out with that bat!

[Treese]

Thank you Snodderly and Andabelle....there have been plenty of times that I would like to take a bat to his head....

Now do you see why I feel crazy ...

he's messin with my head...but I went about my day...not contacting him....he never contacted S12....S12 had practice tonight...H probably didn't contact him cause he thought we would ask him to help out and take him...thought didn't even cross my mind....Im taking care of him and I'm writing EVERYTHING down....

[Treese]

HEy VH....I didn't text back right away...actually I was afraid to even open the text for a while...

H was a little ticked I'm sure because he was home a whole day sooner and he didn't know it..plus I dont' think he knew my D22 was staying for the week..it's not my place to let him know...my Kids do not contact their father AT ALL....its always my H contacting S12....it really doesnt bother my son...he still plays and goes about his day...shows how much H has been around...hmmmmmm...

Anyway....went to dinner and had a great time...I am moving forward...I just have setbacks....it will get better...in time...