I had a session with my / our C today and the key word of the session was "Ambivalent". In many ways, this is the best way to describe what and how I am feeling.
In many ways he was very complimentary. He said I was doing a great job of working on myself and had really changed since I had been seeing him and was asking all the right questions and delving into the right topics. He said that it was normal for me to feel ambivalent and acknowledged that Mrs. Thinker just was not at a point where she could do the work or make the changes. I joked about living in "Limboland" and he smiled and said it was a perfect description.
He then asked the question that I think many of us are asking ourselves, "So how long are you willing to live like this?" I answered "Not forever, but I am not anywhere near that point yet"
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Mrs. Thinker is really very self absorbed and angry right now.
She normally keeps her laptop locked, but for some reason the boys were playing a computer game on it earlier today. They asked me for help, and as I was doing so I ran across an old picture of Mrs. Thinker with OM and his band (yes, he is a middle aged professional who started a garage band). I'd seen the picture before, but she has obviously been looking at it recently. As much as she denies that he has anything to do with our M, she is unquestionably still thinking about him. This is not news to me - just a reminder.
She is also jealous of the great time the boys had with me and my family last week, and is trying to limit my time doing that. My fathers birthday is next weekend and I am taking the boys to a big surprise birthday party weekend for him. Mrs. Thinker is invited, but has been hot and cold - she does not want to go, but does not want to be seen as not going either. Today, she began trying to sabotage it stating that we all go as a family, but then spend half the weekend elsewhere rather than attend the whole weekend of festivities with my families. When I refused to change my plans ("This is my weekend to attend my fathers birthday party. You may go or not go as you choose, but I am going to all of it") She threw a fit, called me a selfish jerk, cried "Why is everything always all about you", and then stated that if that was how I was going to be about it, then she would stay at home and the kids had to stay with her! - a power play to disrupt my plans and keep the boys away from my family. When I calmly said she the boys were going to come with me and she could enjoy a relaxing weekend at home in silence and peace if she wants, she yelled "The boys just spent a whole week with your family! They don't need to spend another weekend with them!!"
I just said "I'm sorry you feel that way" and she stalked away.
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It is interesting for me to note that when she is being completely self absorbed and self-interested (from my point of view), and I don't give in to her immediately, she immediately begins to accuse me of being a selfish jerk and yells "Why is everything always all about you!"
I didn't see it coming this time, but now looking back I see the same pattern every time. Next time I'll remember the script and see it coming. Previously I got defensive ("I am NOT being selfish!!"), but this time I just said nothing and held my ground. Next time....not sure. Any suggestions??
To be sure, I am also wondering if there is anything else I should be hearing/reading in this dynamic. If I try to prompt her into more of a discussion she just mutters something at me and stalks away.
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Which brings me back to my C's question. If my W is still fantasizing about OM, refusing to work on herself or the M, trying to separate the boys from me and my family, etc ... How long DO I want to live like this?
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
