I don't have anything against Dating itself, but I do know myself. The moment I start dating / sleeping with another woman would be the moment I have given up on my M, because I know that I would immediately become emotionally entangled with the new woman.
Same here sans the "given up" part. Right now that new woman would emotionally just knock me out with a feather. Oh yes, O'dog ponders the pretties, but needs to build some foundations first.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
So they have a "new toy" which is exciting to play with. And they're discovering their "old toy" is fun to play with too.
When a person has the comfort of being able to make a choice and isn't forced to make a choice immediately, what would motivate the WAS to make a choice at all? When they have a choice between an exciting new lover and a great spouse and no one is making them choose, don't they have the best of both worlds?
After over 2yrs where my WAS couldn't/wouldn't make the choice, 2yrs & 3 months of a sexless existence, as soon as I decided to start dating & really move on last month he wants to know if I'd like to go to counseling.
Gucci, Robx, Puppy, Phoenix, et al, IMHO have the benefit of their history & an enormous amount of time on this forum, etc., to pass on what they have derived.
It's such an individual choice, although I do believe if I had taken a different position towards the beginning I would have had a much different result.
Sunny
(who gave up attempting to get her thread back after months of trying, to no avail)
H=50yrs me=50yrs S=17yrs S=6yrs Married 9 yrs DB forum 4/23/07
Hey SUNNY!!!!! Missed you girl!!! Hope you are ok... (Sorry SP, Sunny is one of my dearests!!)
Dating: Are we discussing if a separated/single person should go ahead and date, granted he/she feels like it, or questioning the reasons/motives SP (or anyone in his shoes for that matter) has to start dating? Or are we even discussing when a M is pronounced dead? Or when are we legally divorced? Or legally married?
I am all FOR dating when the person feels like it (assuming the M is done=emotionally divorced in my book, technicalities dont mean much to me). Sure there is a chance that the new dynamics bring back the interest in WASs heart and that is a risk (or a chance depending on your POV). I speak from experience and some of you know that although my H still says "he never thought of me with someone else, that thought seems ridiculous to him - he is up for a surpise!!), since I NEVER used that in any way for reasons that are close to my heart and my morals.
What happens then (assuming a reaction takes place), is a whole new "game". Dating to just fill the void, revenge, hurt etc etc the WAS usually backfires IMO and makes the void feel even worse.
SP, I told you before, I suggest you calm down a bit, cool off, wind down or however you Americans call it. You are running on adrenaline or so it seems to me ( I could be too slow instead of you being too "fast", cant tell). K
So they have a "new toy" which is exciting to play with. And they're discovering their "old toy" is fun to play with too.
When a person has the comfort of being able to make a choice and isn't forced to make a choice immediately, what would motivate the WAS to make a choice at all? When they have a choice between an exciting new lover and a great spouse and no one is making them choose, don't they have the best of both worlds?
After over 2yrs where my WAS couldn't/wouldn't make the choice, 2yrs & 3 months of a sexless existence, as soon as I decided to start dating & really move on last month he wants to know if I'd like to go to counseling.
Gucci, Robx, Puppy, Phoenix, et al, IMHO have the benefit of their history & an enormous amount of time on this forum, etc., to pass on what they have derived.
It's such an individual choice, although I do believe if I had taken a different position towards the beginning I would have had a much different result.
Sunny
(who gave up attempting to get her thread back after months of trying, to no avail)
H=50yrs me=50yrs S=17yrs S=6yrs Married 9 yrs DB forum 4/23/07
So Sunny, based on your response, when you began to move on with your life and assume the relationship/marriage was over and started dating, only then was your husband interested in fixing the relationship and going to counselling?
If that's what you're saying, I have to assume: 1. Fear of loss set in, sadly most of the time you only realize what you have when it's gone 2. Higher value, you felt good enough about yourself to stop waiting for your spouse to step up and started dating which displayed to him that you felt valuable enough to yourself to not allow the current situation to continue - you decided to stop living in limbo 3. You changed the dynamic by taking the choice away from him, up to this time, it had been his choice to come back and work on the marriage. You took the choice from him and made it your choice to whether or not to move on or wait for him. When you showed that you took control of the situation and made the decision to move on, you took away his power in this situation which also showed high value in his eyes
Yes I'm way too analytical but the truth is, I think it all boils down to power, perception of value, fear of loss, hierarchy of power in society, etc.
The sad thing is this doesn't say to much about love does it at least not from the WAS point of view. They only change their mind when you decide to move on and start dating others, you take away their power of choice.
Man... does this all boil down to consumerism?! We're now dealing with the dynamics of the credit card of "love": LOW & HIGH "interest" rates which tend to fluctuate, penalties for misuse, late payments, etc.
Again me over analyzing.
SP I hope you don't view this as hijacking your thread, this is a continuation of your earlier post where you saw your wife dressed to the nine's and then when she couldn't reach you thinking that you were out on a date or something to that effect. She doesn't want you because she can have you but at the slightest chance that you start moving on, she shows interest?! It really seems like this is all that it comes to.
I then read things about "love chemicals" and that people in affairs are being fooled by their brains and these chemicals, and are feeling excited & attracted to their affair partners and the feelings are new & something they need. Well if this is really about the feelings generated by a new partner and the new brain chemicals that are generated which are vastly different from the chemicals that are generated in the brain during a long term established relationship - there really is nothing that can be done about all of this. You can't fault the "new" brain chemicals that give these feelings of love & attraction for WAS's in affairs. They had these same feelings for you when you first started your relationship and you can't generate these chemicals again because you aren't new. The only consolation to be had is that the new partner will become old again just like you did and several years down the road if a separation turns to divorce to moving on with our lives in a new direction with new people, we will only find ourselves feeling the same feelings again at one point and the only thing different will be that we're lying next a different body in our beds wondering how we got here again.
How's that for introspective? ;-)
I know I'm particularly verbose today, I haven't posted much on these forums or crackbook lately and it just has to come out.
