WAW and 4 kids

[tryingtilDorR]

I agree that I need to be careful now. It is funny because I had been very careful, but never thought she would aggressively start trying to dig up stuff. She also found an email from 2 mnths ago that I sent BIL/MIL/SIL about women in an MLC where I outlined her traits/behavior that fit the profile - this got her the most steamed of all. That is the day she started sleeping in the other room again (Friday). I had mentioned last week that she had come back to our bed for a couple nights for some reason. It is a shame because this was really the only email interaction I had on this subject with the ILs and she found it. When I sent it I thought I was probably doing the wrong thing and it has definitely backfired (but ILs agreed that she fit the profile).

Dropping the rope - I know this is key. I also just picked up a book called Love Must Be Tough which basically advises the same thing, and the book even uses scripture to justify the action. I was beginning to not care about OM/EA over the past couple of weeks and I need to get back on that track. She isn't someone that I enjoy being around and I am much less stressed when she isn't around. Previously, I would be thinking about her and wondering what she was doing when I wasn't with her, but I do that less and less now as time goes by.

I had a good IC session this morning, but my IC says she sees value in these heated/emotional talks, which is counter to what I read everywhere else. My W says that these arguments/discussions are going to make her leave sooner, but my IC says it isn't true. She has worked with both of us and says that this is the way she and I have been interacting for years (contentiously) and that these discussions are the way we emotionally connect. She even encouraged me to have these interactions (but not neccessarily about the R - just to have the interactions even if they aren't pleasant). I thought this was real interesting - she said that 'good' comes out of these discussions because it is the only time we interact on an emotional level !?!?!?!? I can see her point to some extent but also see the potential to do harm by getting engaged in these. IS the 'good' that comes out of this worth the collateral damage? She says that when W stops caring and won't engage is when there is a big problem, but the fact taht she engages means that there is something there. I figured DBers would have an interesting reaction to all this. I use my IC as another source of input but not as the last word, and generally her advice is consistent with DB techniques I am finding and she is very familiar with Michelle's material (until this).

Moving forward with my own life is worth acheiving, Sandi. I am trying to do that. Not engaging in meaningful discussions with her outside of our children is part of that. Many people are encouraging me to step up and be president of a local youth sports organization I have been on the board of for many years (serves 900 kids), and I am considering doing it after being on the fence for several years. The time commitment is significant but there is a good board of directors there to help and I enojoy working with the people. However, this may be another good thing for me to do since I am feeling more generous with my time and want to contribute more to others as well as my kids. I worry about time it might take away from my own kids, but it also sounds like a good way to GAL, amongst the other things I am doing. I am going to figure it out in the next 2 weeks, but they are begging me to step up and do this.

Next weekend D15, W, and I are supposed to travel to Florida for D15's tournament. W is saying she is not sure she should go now. We bought the plane tickets last year. I told her it is up to her, but if she went we would not fight or discuss issues, just have fun, so that we would make it a nice trip for D15. I am not sure what to expect from this trip, but it will take discipline to DB while spending so much focused time with W. We will be spending time with a group of people which sould take the pressure off. Maybe getting away from home will be a good thing - just not sure how it will go if W decides to go.