Your second comment above makes me wonder how long it truly takes to be fully detached and the steps/emotions that have to be crossed. Does one have to pass through disgust in order to get from anger to true detachment? In order to be truly detached must one be ambivalent, in which case disgust would imply that detachment hasn't been achieved...
That's a good question...and it's also part of the reason I see detachment, not as a goal, but as a process...something that's always evolving and something that one must always be working toward - no matter what the circumstances. I may be wrong about this, but I didn't feel like my disgust with B's words came from any sort of attachment - since her words would have disgusted me had I heard them said by a stranger to another person in front of a child...and, in that regard, I felt untangled from her drama - and free to see it as something that had more to do with her than me...Actually, I don't believe her insults had anything to do with me at all - so the disgust wasn't in the words - it was in hearing them spoken with a baby in her arms...it was just an ugly thing to witness...and yet another reminder that she's unsettled and unhappy and dealing with her own inner turmoil - even if she doesn't see it or admit it. It's just not healthy behavior.
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That seems like nonsense, but in the context of DBing and the goal of detachment, should we be having any feelings beyond ambivalence?
I think it's normal to have feelings beyond ambivalence - I think even anger has its place - since sometimes it’s just normal and healthy to feel angry - the trick is what we do with that anger - and whether or not we allow that anger to become a guide (which I don't think should ever be the case).
One thing that is very important to me is that I have moved on without anger - and am not angry with B about the end of our marriage - nor about her decisions. That does not mean I don't occasionally feel angry about having been hurt and taken advantage of - but rather than allowing other emotions - such as anger - to guide me in any way - I instead take a moment, or two or three, and consider that anger - dissect, allow it to cool down some, so that I can see what's at its heart..and often - almost always - that anger reveals something to me that I can work on in myself...and I think that freedom to accept and address our other emotions - without being driven by them - comes with accepting a process of detachment.
