I am glad you are seeing a C'ing tomorrow. It really can be a very freeing experience.

My H recently told me (as in told me last week) that he was so filled with guilt for the way he handled things, the way he left me, his failure to communicate what he was plotting for months and months and his affair that he simply had to lash out at me every chance he got. And he did this for over a year. Then I just cut him out of my life because I was tired of being his verbal punching bag because he could not own his own issues.

He also tried to talk to me about his new R (well, not so new as it has been going on for 1.5 yrs although he claims it is not serious but I dont believe him) but I wont listen to a word about it. He did manage to sneak in how guilty he felt when the R started and I nipped that conversation in the bud. But, starting an R while you are still married and loaded w/guilt, well, OW must be a real gem.

My H has given me the line that he has tried to "work with me" on a settlement for over a year. I finally had to explain to him when you bomb drop, have an affair, walk away and behave how you have for the past year you have bypassed any opportunity to "work with me". We are no longer a team and that was clearly established when you walked away and engaged with another woman while still married to me, while still LIVING with me. Of course he didnt like that one bit but who cares.

He can moan and cry about money and unhappiness and how things arent his fault and how I should have read his hints until he keels over. I *will* do legally what I have to do for me to be sure I have what I need for the present and the future. I will do so in a civil fashion but I wont bend and I certainly wont "team up" with somebody that chose to leave and have an affair.

My H and I are civil and when he tries to get more friendly I just end the e-mail. He actually said he is mad because he doesnt get the respones he wants from me and I dont tell him everything like I used to. Again, walk away, have affair = no team.

You need to do what you need to do for you and your kids. Being friendly is great, especially because you do have children with this man, but it seems you have some expectations that he will change. IMO a WAS that has been away for 6 months or a year or two that has done ZERO to change or even attempt to heal the situation in some way has no intentions to. Its my opinion, some may feel differently.

I might considering requesting a meeting with him and keeping it very professional and business like. Make a debt plan that would show several scenarios (A) working together (B) separating (C) divorce or whatever other options you have available to you. Let him know that you need some stability and direction and give him some time to think it over. If he is unwilling to participate in *something* then take matters in your own hands so you and your kids can have the life you deserve.

Sorry if this is harsh but my H jerked me around with money for over a year despite a temp. agreement we had in place and blew through close to 20K of our savings acct. in one summer on partying, golf, vacations, shopping, the casino and his GF. We lived for 13 yrs debt free other than a car note and now we are in debt. So, a solution must be made and I will find the solution most comfortable for me. It sounds cruel but its how these things go when WAS think there wont be consequences (financial, emotional, long term damage to any sort of R).

Now, I did not get to this point overnight but eventually you will reach your point of utter saturation and when you do, you will take action even if its really hard to do. Eventually though enough is enough.

Too bad if he thinks you are controlling. I find it awfully controlling on his part that he can call you when he is bored enough or available for a bit and think you will drop everything to run out and be with him. I find it awfully controlling that he still thinks he can have sex with you when he is around then leave, go to his other life and continue to do so. But you can control that as well.

Not responding in an emotional way is *very* tough. But he expects you to respond that way so dont do it around him - it will change the dynamic. The person that cares least about the R controls it and all WAS know that.