Finally trying to move on without H

[beepee]

ok so i havent gotten much done today.
its POURING and thundering out so i cant go to the studio and pack, everything will just get ruined.

so lets see..what have i done today..
i called to see if ive been assigned a therapist and nope, not yet

i put up ebay items to try and make money..

and i started writing an email to my H (which i am not sending, it was just to get my feelings out) but i stopped because i got too emotional and started to cry. but im going to start a journal like i said i would and will do that later on tonight.

thats about all i got done. my brother said there was a bat in the basement so im scared to go down and do my laundry!!

will take a shower soon and play dress up just to make myself feel better.

this is a particularly low day. hating it and hoping the day will end soon but its just draaaaaggging.

on a brighter note, an old friend of mine contacted me. i was so happy cause i missed him. theres actually a weird story with him! when i was living abroad with my H, i worked at his brothers company and met a guy who worked there and we became friends rigth away and got on really well. and it turns out when he met my H, they worked together at a music store when they were teenagers. ODD. so ever since ive moved back to the states, id still talk to him and during the rough times with my H, id talk to this guy, lets call him bobby. so i have to admit that i had an EA with bobby during the really rough times with my H, especially after i found out he cheated on me. we really liked each other and he was so into me and thought i was gorgeous. he said he liked me the first time he met me at my H's brothers company but he had a gf at that time and put his feelings for me aside. my H knew about our "relationship" and never said anything because he felt he couldnt since he cheated on me. he'd never show any jealousy and that made me feel even worse cause it felt like he didnt care at all about me. towards the end of our relationship (my H and i), he finally admitted that he was jealous and it was the first time i ever heard him say anything like that. he's not a very jealous person. so me and bobby stopped talking for awhile and he just contacted me today and i told him about what happened and he apologized for not being around during the tough time i was in and promised not to leave it too long again to get in touch with me. made me feel happy for a bit.

still miss my H horribly and still no contact from him even though he said he'd email me back today. i keep telling myself to not think about it and that i dont NEED him to contact me because its better for me to achieve detachment if he didnt contact me anymore. but of course i secretly (ok maybe not secretly) wish that he would email me anyway. im sure he will contact me sometime in the near future, i have things of his that he wants like old photographs of him and his friends when he was a kid..he forgot about them and i kno how precious they are to him.

i just cant wait for this AD to start kicking in b/c right now, its not making much of a difference in how i feel even tho the dosage has been doubled. i have to give it another 2 weeks. its sooo long!! the days just go by so slowly.