Finally trying to move on without H

[hopeful_cb]

Overall it sounds like you are doing good, you had a really positive day yesterday, you got lots done, great. Its ok to be tearful but you kept going and got things done. good job!

I know your feeling bad today, but how are those goals you set for yourself for today? the things we do really do effect our mood too. Try some of the things suggested, once you find something that works for you, you can use that to neutralize or boost your mood when you are having a really bad day again.

Things will go up and down, it does for all of us, but even on a bad day you can know they will go back up. The music idea is good I am using that to help stop my thoughts and cheer me up, it works!

[beepee]

hi hopeful:

im listening to music too right now but i cant get myself to stop listening to sad songs!
im gonna start playing something different.
i havent gotten out of bed yet today
but i did put up ebay items to sell which is good.
maybe i should start my journal now since im feelling cr*ppy and maybe getting my ager will help a bit.
im just so afraid of getting too down again, i hate the feeling and thats how i feel now and im gonna stop it and do something to change how i feel! thanks

[beepee]

ok so i havent gotten much done today.
its POURING and thundering out so i cant go to the studio and pack, everything will just get ruined.

so lets see..what have i done today..
i called to see if ive been assigned a therapist and nope, not yet

i put up ebay items to try and make money..

and i started writing an email to my H (which i am not sending, it was just to get my feelings out) but i stopped because i got too emotional and started to cry. but im going to start a journal like i said i would and will do that later on tonight.

thats about all i got done. my brother said there was a bat in the basement so im scared to go down and do my laundry!!

will take a shower soon and play dress up just to make myself feel better.

this is a particularly low day. hating it and hoping the day will end soon but its just draaaaaggging.

on a brighter note, an old friend of mine contacted me. i was so happy cause i missed him. theres actually a weird story with him! when i was living abroad with my H, i worked at his brothers company and met a guy who worked there and we became friends rigth away and got on really well. and it turns out when he met my H, they worked together at a music store when they were teenagers. ODD. so ever since ive moved back to the states, id still talk to him and during the rough times with my H, id talk to this guy, lets call him bobby. so i have to admit that i had an EA with bobby during the really rough times with my H, especially after i found out he cheated on me. we really liked each other and he was so into me and thought i was gorgeous. he said he liked me the first time he met me at my H's brothers company but he had a gf at that time and put his feelings for me aside. my H knew about our "relationship" and never said anything because he felt he couldnt since he cheated on me. he'd never show any jealousy and that made me feel even worse cause it felt like he didnt care at all about me. towards the end of our relationship (my H and i), he finally admitted that he was jealous and it was the first time i ever heard him say anything like that. he's not a very jealous person. so me and bobby stopped talking for awhile and he just contacted me today and i told him about what happened and he apologized for not being around during the tough time i was in and promised not to leave it too long again to get in touch with me. made me feel happy for a bit.

still miss my H horribly and still no contact from him even though he said he'd email me back today. i keep telling myself to not think about it and that i dont NEED him to contact me because its better for me to achieve detachment if he didnt contact me anymore. but of course i secretly (ok maybe not secretly) wish that he would email me anyway. im sure he will contact me sometime in the near future, i have things of his that he wants like old photographs of him and his friends when he was a kid..he forgot about them and i kno how precious they are to him.

i just cant wait for this AD to start kicking in b/c right now, its not making much of a difference in how i feel even tho the dosage has been doubled. i have to give it another 2 weeks. its sooo long!! the days just go by so slowly.

[beepee]

i ruined it.
i ruined it all.
i broke down and emailed him.
an angry email
asking him to just give me that one sentence and let me move on and everything between us will be over.
i dont know why i did it. i just got a sudden burst of rage and anger and i couldnt stop myself from sending it.
its all ruined now

[beepee]

he said it,
hes not in love with me anymore.
now i cant stop crying.
i dont even want to exist anymore.
this is too painful.
too painful to handle

[Orich]

Beepee, please hang In there, I know it's hard, I've had a major setback myself today. Please believe me we will all get through this. I know it's painful, I really do. We are all here for you. Keep posting no matter what you are feeling, keep coming here.
I'm praying for you, I really am. I want to breakdown too, but just keep posting so we know you are ok, and we can help you through this.

[karen43]

Beepee, nothing's ruined. We've all made mistakes at this site. No one's perfect. He can say that to you now but I don't believe that at the moment. You were pushing him, and he decided to push you back I think. From what I've seen I would bet your H is like most of our WAS, confused and not knowing what he wants anyway, in a fog, etc.

Have you called your therapist yet? I would def. recommend that. I've called mine a few times, and I know her other clients do also. I think it's part of the job for them. Maybe she might recommend upping your dose again or switching or just talking to her might help. Or at least it does me.

Believe me, you are a wonderful person, and your H doesn't deserve you. Neither of you realize that yet, but someday soon you will! Karen

[beepee]

thank you so much for responding orich,
i was feeling extremely lonely and your post helped me.
this is so hard. i feel exactly the same way i felt the day he left. i dont want to believe that hes not in love with me anymore. i dont i dont i dont. how could he do this? how can he be so cruel to leave me in the way he did. this is so unfair, ive been trying soooo hard these past few weeks!!
im so close to hurting myself but theres no point, its not like he would care anyway. and i know i cant do it because my family would be devastated. im trying really hard not to think so negatively but this is so painful. i just wanna quit everything. i dont want to feel this emptiness and this heartache anymore. im so lost im so lost, i cant stop crying, im just sitting here staring at the wall. what else do i do, i dont have the motivation to do anything. no desire. i dont even care about my future anymore right now like i did before. everything just seems hopeless.

[beepee]

thank you karen, i appreciate your words so much.

i cant call a therapist because i dont have one yet.
i called earlier today to see if theyve assigned me one and not yet but they said theyd put in an urgent request so im hoping theyll call me soon.

i know i was pushing him and i shouldnt have but i just feel like he will never answer anything i ask him if i dont push him. he told me in the email that he felt uncomfortable doing it but if thats what i wanted, then he'll say it and he did. i know i pushed him, but i pushed him about it before and he refused to say it, this time he actually said it. so i believe him. i wish he didnt know what he wants but i think its clear that he doesnt want me. he already said divorce is final. what else can i do..nothing but continue on but i cant seem to get back on track. i feel like im back at the beginning all over again and itll be another month before i begin to feel any sort of slight hope. i cant take another month of feeling this way. its just too much to handle.

[Orich]

You need to call someone right now. Is there a friend you can call? Are you seeing a therapist you can call? Don't do anything in this weakend state. Listen to some of the advice offered already. He may be in a position where he feels he has to push back. My W has said she doesn't love me repeatedly for a few months now. It hurts like he'll, but I still believe deep inside she still lobes me.
Are you spiritual? Do you have a belief you subscribe too?