Holy Crap! What did I misspell? I was 8th grade spelling bee champ, can't have that!
Yes, taking a few steps back for me and S from H might be what the doctor ordered. Problem is, things are going better now than ever before and I'm afraid what a pull back might cause....
Well, here's the update from yesterday.....and in a word: HYSTERICAL.
Met H at Chickfila for family night with S. We ate, S went to play in the child size rat maze with a 50 other three year olds.
Yesterday morning ex OW actually had to call me at work, for work reasons. When she called on my private line I knew H had given her the number. Later at dinner, H smiles real big and says "Got a funny phone call today?" And he proceeded to laugh about it....."She was so nervous having to call you!" he said. I was a complete professional. There was a follow up email I sent to her and her boss with the final, accurate answers to her questions. She says to H, "Why did she have to cc Boss on the email?" Apparently that bugged her. As I told H, that's how I do my job. I practice CYA all day long. H thought the whole thing was hysterical.
But since he opened the door and because we've had some really great insightful talks lately (all initiated by him) I asked a question I've been dying to ask and was fighting not to, but finally gave in: "Do you now see what a lying a$$ this girl is?" He nodded and emphatically said "YES, yes I do." I asked "Why do you now see it? What happened?" He explained and it made sense and I said "OK, I was just wondering." He goes on to tell me "After she tried to get huffy with me that you CCed Boss on that email, she says 'What's up your a$$ lately?' I said what are you talking about?" He goes on to tell me that the conversation ends with him saying "I think you're a stupid C**T" to ex OW. He said she was dumbfounded and he just walked away. So I'm sitting there at Chickfila.....and I'm dumbfounded. I asked him "So wait a minute.....you told OW she's a stupid bleep to her face....?????!!!!!!" He nodded and said "Like you said and I agree, she'a liar and she earned it." I basically was screaming inside but said "Wow."
Then H had to get going so we went our separate ways. Later he called to say good night to S and me. We were joking around about stupid stuff and he said "Alright, let me go. I love you talk to you tomorrow." I am pretty sure that was truly the slip of all slips......but I definitely caught it.
So I sent him a text and said "I caught that....I love you too. Good night."
He didnt' respond, nor did I expect him too. And I know it was a huge push to call him on it, but I haven't heard I love you since early November.
He is going to be with us this evening and my plan is just a normal dinner and nothing else but a relaxing evening. No work talk for either of us.
H had said he would do this marriage fitness program with me because he refused to go see a MC. This was the compromise. He said we would do it on Wednesdays. We didn't do it last week, which is fine....this is one of those you pace yourself deals as long as you are putting into practice what you've learned in the meantime. And we have been. So I'm trying to decide if I should remind him about the program, or let it be for another week since things have been going with a good positive flow lately.....? Suggestions? Opinions?
So in the same day (that I have marked on my calendar) H calls ex OW quite the special name and then slips with me and says I love you. I can't stop smiling....karma truly is what they say she is! And sometimes she's just beautiful!
Another DBer does puzzles......I was thinking about getting one.
wow.....it's like I'm brand new to this....COMPLETELY ignored the fact there would be a pull back today. Boy did he smack me with it too..... He overdraws the account....then blames me for it. Great. Then he sends me a text, AFTER I thank him for taking care of the over drawn account, that he was looking at pictures of families on the 4th of July....and he should have been happy, but it just made him sad because he realizes he should want that, a happy family, but doesn't. And he's been unhappy for so long....and now he just needs to figure out how to be happy again. Good lord.
wow.....it's like I'm brand new to this....COMPLETELY ignored the fact there would be a pull back today. Boy did he smack me with it too..... He overdraws the account....then blames me for it. Great. Then he sends me a text, AFTER I thank him for taking care of the over drawn account, that he was looking at pictures of families on the 4th of July....and he should have been happy, but it just made him sad because he realizes he should want that, a happy family, but doesn't. And he's been unhappy for so long....and now he just needs to figure out how to be happy again. Good lord.
AlmostDoneButHavingABadDay.....
This is SO normal through this phase of his life....
I know you have been here a while, but you are also just coming into understanding WHAT he is going through...
Sometimes, the things that we think are the worst things ever, are the best things for US...
You can chose to be negative, or positive about them...
Yes you had words with him after a great night.( NEG )
But on the flip side....you can see the signs of him processing the things he needs to process through this...
Yes, he pulled back, and guess what, the next time something like this happens?
He will again...
Time to show a different AlmostDone ?
You can do this....These days suck, but that is why you have us here for you....
The next time ? You will be ready, and actually chuckle a little when it happens cause you knew it would....
So yesterday, like some predicted, when H got home from the gym......it was like there had been no blow out. And I'm not complaining. I think it helped I had dinner ready for him and he was starving. He thought he was coming home to make us dinner...so nice little surprise for him. (And truth be told, one of my GALing efforts is learning to cook. I'm not much of one, but I'm working on it....no one dropped dead last night, which is always good!)
We did do the marriage program last night. I was going to leave it up to him to bring it up since we are supposed to be doing it on Wednesday nights, but I decided when he got home, "We are going to do this" and reminded him. The moaning and groaning was less this time, but still there.
As part of the program, we have a set date night, which we agree is Tuesdays now. No movies, or TV. We have to do something where we interact and it has to be 1 1/2 hour dates. He says we already do this.....with S. I said nope, just you and me. He said it's too hard with a 3 year old. I let him know a friend of ours has offered to watch S for us on date night.
Later in bed, he told me more about the fight he had with OW. I'm not sure why, but he wanted to tell me, so I let him. He really went off on her.
I told him somethings her ex-boyfriend told me about why he dumped her. (And he did it in grand fashion, her stuff in trash bags on the front lawn, locks changed.) H was silent because I think he saw the same things the ex did. The ex made her sound pretty cruel and ugly. And I get the impression that's how H is seeing her now too.
I have committed to this: I will never talk about OW again. FOREVER. I think H has learned his lesson. Or at least I hope so, he told me he did.....so I'll just have to believe him. So here is where I'm torn....what if he needs to vent some more about that situation? Do I let him? Or change the subject? I want him to talk to me and not others.....so I need to make a call there. I think he's in a phase where he's saying good bye to all of that, mourning if you will.
I think I'm going to just work on putting into practice everything we've learned from the program so far and not do anything next Wednesday. At this point, much of it mirrors what I've been reading in DR about putting it all together. Maybe really take our time getting through this but there are some things toward the end of the program I want to get to, where it covers EA's in GREAT depth. H needs to hear that. And these past two weeks were the things I needed to hear esp. about affection. H's main complaint I'm learning now is he missed affection from me in a very very big way.
