Newbie (again)

[dday101798]

hey Kerry,

I'm not sure why she was so quick to change it? I was soooo tempted yesterday to contact her and ask, it is curious. I am going to go with my thought that maybe it hurt her for some reason? Sat on her conscience too much? It is overall just very odd to remove herself in that sense from the kids. Then again, who's to say their names havent been changed as well?

Another oddity in that is that XW & OM were supposed to be running off and getting married as soon as the D went through, so why bother? It would seem that the little wedding must be on hold as the kids haven't said anything about it? All they ever talk about is wanting us all back together, or at least going to dinner or bowling, something like that.

Yeah, XGF isn't taking to kindly to it. But hey, I was completely honest from get go one that I have issues from all this and that I still have feelings for XW. Then to find myself becoming completely miserable again and finaly waking up one morning and asking 'what am I doing with this person, what do I have to offer? What IF the phone rings and it's XW asking for the seemingly impossible?'. Am I going to sit around for the rest of my life like this? No.

XGF asked me to send her a e-mail and I did, reitterating the same old thing. I'm not ready, I need amends. And isn't it funny the same day I back off with XGF, XW has a sudden bend of reality to realize and admit what she did is wrong and gestured at some of those amends without me saying much about it. I don't bother going down the road of the past with XW anymore in conversation, it's pointless, it's over and done with.

OH! and I guess I neglected to mention, when XW apologized, OM was right there on the porch not more than 20 feet away!

So yeah, it was nice for moment there with XGF, but it's not where my heart is and won't be for some time.

I am getting nervous after now 2 days of no contact with XW and I am certain she was lying about the fireworks, Im wondering if it was yet just another act to try and set me back up as a safety net again? The way XW rolled her eyes off in OM's direction and the way she spoke in uncertanty OM must be losing his charm (whatever charm a urban hick caries), I don't know, the atmosphere was weird and I felt and saw aside of her I haven't in some time.

I guess we shall see if interactions continue in that sense. She wasn't quite as sparkling on Sunday when I dropped the boys off, but she was still improved over our usual encounters.

On S11, yeah for a while as when most kids start to realize they are their won little being, we lost some compatability. He, much like XW always heckled me for watching it, 'it's boring they're just going around in a circle'. But then when you explain everything behind the scenes and it's not as simple as driving in circle he got hooked, even XW did for some time.

So he lost interest when I withdrawn from the M and just kind of clammed up trying to figure out what was going on with the M and what then W doing and why.

He's a tinkering weekend warrior like me at his age, taking stuff apart and figuring out how it works and putting it back together (minus some 'extra', 'uneccesary' pieces. lol) so our goal right now is to try and get a project car going.

Still haven't fournd a new nitch yet with S12, his thing now is baseball, but that is attributed to OM, so I think it's a little uncomfortable for him.

Oh and one last thing, I finally opened up a 'gift' from XW from Christmas that she finally remmebered to give me on my birthday. It's a chrome and engraved glass handle bottle stop, and it is very pretty.