d-day coming soon - help !

[misshim]

H dropped off D4 last night, I was making her favorite casserole and she wanted to eat when she got home. H hadn't fed her (like he normally does on his days) I was trying to get her in the house for dinner. D4 asked daddy to stay and eat with her. My heart sank. H said if it's ok with mommy. Sure put me on the spot. I said, sure that's fine.

He has only thanked me for dinner (maybe 5 times total in 7 years) I really don't expect it, but it's nice to hear, but like alot of things in our marriage, I was used to him never saying anything. Well, last night he had 2 helpings and said thank you, it was really good. I almost fell over. I didn't want to get to excited and so I just said - great, I'm glad you liked it.

I really thought he would leave after dinner. But we all went outside and played with our D4 in the yard. A couple times I caught H just starring out in the corn field. Deep in thought. I left him alone. A couple of times I'd walk past him and I'd put my hand on his back with a little rub. Then I'd just keep going, laughing & playing w/D4.

Then the roller coaster again hits - he was going to leave, but daughter asked him to stay and put her to bed. He looked at me and said if your mother wants me to stay? I said, that would be ok with me, but that he needed to make the choice.

Don't know if that was right or wrong to say. But 2 weeks? ago he told me that he only stayed to put her to bed because he was helping me. (I didn't believe that, I know it meant alot to him to be there for her bedtime) So, I wanted him to make the choice.

He was so talkative, he even stayed after her bed and talked about his work. I only listened, my lips were zipped (ha-ha). He started to doze off and I touched his shoulder and told him it was getting late. He got up and gave me a big hug and wished me a good day at work and left.

How strange, this roller coaster. Now today, I haven't heard a word from him. That's ok too. I'm not sure how to react to anything anymore.

Even though I have to try to ignore the hurtful things he has told me in the past, I still love him because I know in my heart that he only told me that out of his own state of confusion.

So I'm back to riding the roller coaster. I guess, be his friend with boundries and enjoy his company on his good days. Take most of what he says and ignore it.

And NO R TALKS !! Funny, with the new divorce date of Aug. 1 coming, I'm not panicked (so far) like the 1st time. I've realized that there is nothing I can do. We don't have to go to court on that date because we've signed agreement, I'm just waiting for him to provide me with cobra information. I have to ask my L how this all works, maybe she'll have to notify the courts that I've received the insurance papers and we can just be done.

Who knows !!!