Alex, So much of what you describe must sound familiar to a lot of us here....the disconnect from reality, the apparent cognitive dissonance - and I think a lot of it is genuine in the WAS...it seems like a lot of times they truly do think they're doing what's best...but I think what gets mixed in with their thinking is a history of bad habits and effective manipulation (which the we, the other spouse, often played into more than we might have thought).
At the risk of projecting my my own sitch, when I read your descriptions of your W's behavior - I remember going though so many similar ordeals - so many moments when I felt like I must be in the crazy house based on my STBX's words and actions...not until we were separated, not in one another's space, and I was living with myself and having to look at myself through my own eyes, did I realize just how much I played into the negative dynamic that had become our interactions. I also started to see how just how much she relied on the books she was reading for guidance - I know a lot of us do it too - with DB - and I think it's for the same reason - we have a lot of ambiguity and uncertainty in us - and so the books seem like some sort of anchor...
I think the books get most useful once we reach a point where we can set them aside, and allow what we've learned to be constant and consistent - then we don't have to refer to passages to affirm our actions.
As an aside...just wondering what kinds of stuff you might have planned for you and your kids to do together...time spent living, doing, being in the moment, seems to do so much for our children (and ourselves).
