Cheaters?

[Kettricken]

But what would kind of home would your spouse be returning to? A rather bitter and unforgiving one from my readings here...please work on that...it will help others here find motivation rather than just rage.

I haven't lost the plot, I am afraid you haven't read divorce remedy lately..you clearly have lost THAT plot if you are going to rage at and condemn your spouse and leave a mere stranger to defend them...

We are all, every last one of us, capable of terrible betrayals. Of course, it is up to the betrayed spouse whether to forgive or not. But that's a decision that should be made with eyes open and full recognition of the culpability of the transgressor, not a lot of scapegoating and sugarcoating. Otherwise, it's just a lie piled on lies. IMHO.

You will never forgive with an attitude like that, sorry but it doesn't work. Anger begets anger...

I am not sugar coating, I KNOW how much PAIN I was in...but I dont' want to feel that way anymore, and I don't want my spouse to feel that way either...

You are angry and I get that, but anger won't bring back a wayward spouse, never has and never will...

First, I apologize for saying you'd lost the plot. That was snarky and unecessary. As for your quote above, well .... giggle.

You're making a great load of assumptions about my situation, none of which are true. I came to this community through the sex-starved marriage board, my marriage is spectacular now, and neither one of us were ever a walkaway. So the anger and bitterness you are perceiving is ... nonexistent.

I completely agree with you that penitent waywards who are willing to be honest and do some hard work deserve heart-deep forgiveness, not rage and bitterness. And I also agree that even in their full-on wayward phase, honey works a lot better than vinegar.

I just don't think it's (a) emotionally honest, or (b) productive in the long run for the LBS to achieve that mindset by downplaying the spouse's role and demonizing the "outsider". For instance, I don't accept your reasoning that the "amateur therapist" dynamic with an affair partner constitutes a position of power for the affair partner that they are abusing. It's just too big of a stretch. It takes two to tango, and the errant spouse had choices; s/he just made the wrong ones. Can't that simply be forgiven, as is where is, without having to drag all this victim/predator abuse-of-power reasoning into it?

The whole thing just doesn't seem fair, on a human level. Justifying the actions of one's own "tribe" and throwing all the blame on the "other tribe" ... that mindset has led to some pretty disgusting human behavior over the centuries. I don't see why it's any more desirable on the micro level than the macro.

I suppose I can understand needing to think that way for awhile to 'get over the hump' of forgiveness, given the level of pain and betrayal involved. But ultimately, to have an *honest* relationship, each spouse must see, accept, and love each other as they *truly* are, dark places and all, otherwise they are just "forgiving and loving" projections, illusions, and rationalizations ... not the real person. That's not intimacy. In my opinion.