It's MY life now!!!........

[dl443322]

Welcome to the wonderful world of divorce in New Jersey.

Thanks so much for your concern. Right now, son is struggling terribly so my focus is on him.


Could you do me a favor? Could you go over to Faithisbelieving's thread and see if you could offer any insights into backruptcy for him? He is in immediate need of any assistance. Thanks.

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, Y'all!

Doin' pretty good.....had a good C session today. I am finding that since I have reached a resolve about the D, and am on a better footing with H, I have been thinking more the "enablers" of my sitch. A.K.A the Secretary and co-worker who started trying to "fix up" H with her sister, who is H's current GF, from the day he told her we were seperated. Remember this is the same woman who actually balled out her boss to his face in front of everybody when it came out that he had an affair with one of the other directors and left his wife of 20+ years.

I still have a lot of anger toward these women! I was able to "speak my peace" to H and therefore at least have some "closure" in a sense, but these women.........I know that I have no idea what H really told them, and I won't say anything to either of them because it wouldn't do any good, and that would be totally beneath my dignity anyway. And they don't deserve the head space I give them at all! I know all this, but I still am so angry at them! It's like this anger is really bubbling to the surface now that my angst with H is waning.

I am working with my C about this and hopefully can figure out some way to work through this and let this too go. I don't want to be a person that "hates" but that comes pretty close to describing my feelings for these women. I just don't understand women who would do this to another woman (or condone it). Especially the Secretary, who I had befriended and done a lot of things for.......she lives in my town still and I know that chances are I will one day "run into her" somewhere (figuratively....not like with my car or anything! ). And I don't know what I will do, or what I want to do.......

Anyway, that is where I am emotionally right now.

As for GAL...... I went and observed a swing dance lesson yesterday. They don't start a new class for swing until next month, but in the meantime the teacher said they are short on women in her Thursday waltz class (which came as a shocker to me because I would not have thought that many men would go to a waltz class if some woman didn't make them). So, I am going to do that waltz class on Thursdays for the next month and then start swing lessons. I have line dancing class on Friday night, and Saturday I am going to a big street festival (perhaps with my D24 & GD, or with my brother). So, I'm going to be very busy. H is coming over to the house to do a couple things on Saturday, but I won't be here.

.....yep, doing pretty good I think.....

[Silent Chrleader]

Went line dancing last night. A bunch of "old people" and "young kids". Not many my age, I felt a little out of place, but the dancing was fun and everybody was very nice. I might go again and take my Mom. But, I'll have to explore another option of meeting other single people.

S18 went into the city yesterday and spent some time with H and his GF and her S24. I asked what S18 thought of her and he said "she's cool". I so wanted to ask for more! What's she look like...... How does H act with her......... But I can't ask that. It makes S18 feel like he's in the middle. I shouldn't care anyway. It doesn't matter. But I still have a hard time not "grillin' him" for info......

I spent the day with my Mom today. We went to a street festival and lunch and then to the casino. Talked a lot. She said that she asked H why he had to resort to "the infidelity", and why he couldn't just stand on his own two feet and tell me if he was unhappy and wanted out. H's reply was to acknowledge that he had "gone about everything the wrong way". That's more acknowledgement of even a little "culpability" than I have ever got from him.

H was over at my house for a couple hours while I was out (I really think it's best that I am not around him for now). He left me a long winded message on my cell about work he did and plans to do on the house......said he'll e-mail me on it. So, it seems he is making an effort to live up to his promises now.

I have been thinking that rather than do a legal sepration, I may go ahead and do the D after my bankruptcy is done. H agreed to at least a 2 year legal sep, which would maintain my military benefits (I lose them after a year if we D), but I am thinking that it might be better for me (and him) in really getting closure if we go ahead and D. It's going to happen anyway, and I may as well stand on my own two feet now. Sort of take back responsibility for me from him, ya know? It would be a 180 for me and a really good "growth thing". I talked to my C about it on Wednesday, and he thinks it may be a good step too. It's scary, and I so hate that it has come to this, but I am really thinking that perhaps this is what I need to do.....for my own mental well being.

Feeling a little depressed tonight obviously. I was looking forward to "getting out there" with the dance lessons and such, and kind of felt like it was all a bust. If anything, it made me feel more lonely.

But, I'm not giving up...... I gotta figure out how to meet people my own age in similar circumstances....

[Andabelle]

I'm pissed off at a lady friend of my H's who started trying to fix him up the moment he left me... now she's having trouble with her H, confiding in mine... anybody care to hazard a guess what comes next?

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, Andabelle! Thanks for the empathy! And I've also had people tell me that the co-worker was one to watch..... I don't know..... and especially now that my H is with her sister, I don't think that would happen (although nothing would surprised me anymore).

I have heard from H at all since he left me the VM on Saturday about work he had done here at my house. And that's a good thing for me. No contact is more healthy for me.

I did ask my S18 about what GF was like. Didn't grill him on too many details. Just asked what she looked like and if he felt comfortable with her. He said she was "pretty cool" and that she was a chain smoker (which surprises me because H finally quit about 8 years ago and since then has hated being around smoke......or he did until now. S18 said she was like a female H who liked to smoke and drink beer. When I asked if H seemed happy with her, S18 said "Yes, pretty much I guess." Then I asked "Well, are they affectionate?" and S18 said "Not really. They held hands a couple times but that was it." I know I shouldn't have asked......but surprisingly I didn't cry or get emotional at all during the conversation.

S18 said that H told him he shouldn't tell me anything about her and that he knew I would ask. This pisses me off because the deception and secrecy is so disrespectful!! Anyway, I asked S18 why H felt he shouldn't say anything, and S18 said it was because he thought it would hurt me.....??? So, I asked S18 if I sounded hurt, to which he replied "Actually no!" I told S18 that I wanted him to feel he could tell me anything, and that secrets were often a distructive thing in a loving relationship, be it romantic, or family, or friends or whatever. I actually told my H this very same thing the last time I actually spoke with him (July 3rd) and he agreed......or at least said he did. He's a lying sack of ****........well anyway.....

I have been depressed again this week. Thinking a lot about H and getting very angry. I am annoyed at feeling this way, because I have felt good about my decision to really let go and get the D and move on with my life. I know it's the right thing to do. But, I still have all these thoughts constantly no matter what else I do and I have been trying to keep very busy! I think it's because of the decision to let go. When I wanted my M back so badly, I kept remembering all the good things, which was excruciatingly painful, but now all the "bad" memories are coming to the surface, and I'm really having a lot of anger. I know it's probably just the logical next step, but I really do wish I could find the On/Off switch!!

My C and I have talked about writing a bunch of this stuff out and then we will go through some sort of "letting go" ritual......maybe I will take some time this weekend to do that.

[sandycay]

Hey SC,

Got your text.. thanks for thinking of me and my mom. I know a ritual... it's called Voo Doo see you get this doll that looks like our H then you get these little pins and stick 'em where it counts... LOL

OK so my humor is black these days but I atleast made ya smile. Stop asking Z about OW... it serves no purpose. bang bang that's the 2X4 upside yo head.

I think C has a great idea with that but there is no magic to this and you are moving forward.

As far as the line dancing ... did you have fun? You never know who knows who in this world or who might stop in. So, if it was fun and got you out of the house I would do it again. It's GAL not getting a date but you never know where the GAL will lead you. KWIM?

Take Care.

[Silent Chrleader]

.... I know a ritual... it's called Voo Doo see you get this doll that looks like our H then you get these little pins and stick 'em where it counts... LOL

ROTFALMAO!!!

Thanks, I needed that!!!

But never mind "little pins"......I'm thinking nails.......or electric cattle prods!!!

.... Stop asking Z about OW... it serves no purpose. bang bang that's the 2X4 upside yo head.

Yea, I hear ya..... and already decided that. But, in all truth, that part of the conversation lasted maybe 5 minutes at most and was very positive. S18 has a lot of issues with his Dad, and since he won't go to C any more, I try to let him know that he can talk to me about anything, even stuff that he might be afraid to say, ya know? Then I talk to C about him!

And, yes I did have fun with the line dancing and do plan to go back. Maybe you can join me when you get back home??

((((((mi amiga)))))

[Silent Chrleader]

Well, went line dancin' tonight with my 80 year old mother! Afterward went to the casino and won $50 and did some more dancing in their "club".....also with my mother. WooHoo!! I'm such a party animal!!

Yesterday I had my first ballroom dance class though (the waltz). That one was not with my mother! It was fun.

H called me today (first time talking to him in a couple weeks!). He wanted to know if it was OK to come over and do some work on the house. I said "of course". I usually try to be gone when he comes over, but instead I called D24 and am going to go over and pick her and GD up and bring them over. H hasn't seen GD in more than a month and she has grown so much in that time.

While H is doing some "projects", I also need to do some house cleaning. I was thinking of offering to help him with what he is doing, but it's probably better if I just do something elso productive and not have a lot of direct contact. Better for my mental health!

I also plan to get in a mani-pedi tomorrow too. So, I'll be busy. That's a good thing. Keeping my PMA going!!!

[dl443322]

Hey my friend, good for you - you dancing diva -LOL and your mom sounds amazing!

I am glad your h is keeping his word about fixing up the house.

Just one thing, I wouldnt get in the middle of his relationship with daughter and GD. It really is his problem to forge that.

Whoo hooo- you are doing great!

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, (((BM))).

Thanks as always for your support and encouragement! And thanks for your concern with D24 and GD, but actually that relationship has been much better recently. H tries to call D24 every week or so. I just went out to get them because I knew H wouldn't drive out there (since he drives an hour and half to just get to my house).

Right now H is outside with S18 working on H's truck brakes. They did some wall patching and I brought lunch back when I picked up D24 & GD. H and I had a really good talk this morning. I will just say that the conversation started with me telling him I was going to file for D rather than legal sep, and it ended in a very nice hug! And everything in between was understanding and supportive and.......pretty darn great!

Much of the talk was also about S18. He and a friend came over just past midnight last night. They were drunk. I told them that I don't do "drunk" anymore and told them to go to bed and we would talk in the morning. S18 (and friend) then woke me up again at 4am to tell me that he wanted to stop drinking and move back home and get his act together. So, I talked with H at length about that, and then we had a talk with S18. He is going to move back in and go back to school. We will have a written agreement of the rules (including no drinking/drugs) and he will be going to both out-patient rehab group meetings AND will be going back to IC as well. I am nervous and concerned for S18 so much feel both glad to have my baby home, but also very scared that he has such a lot of work to do on getting his act together.

So, actually I am feeling really really good right now!