Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Thinker]

Journaling and "Thinking"...just working through a few "Thoughs"

I was reading something that @healthydad posted about our spouses and how we pick them based on our own issues. Something about it struck home, but I can't put my finger on it.

Why did I pick my W?

Why did she pick me? (Although she now claims that she never really did)

If my choice was based on my own issues (and I believe that in part it was), then how do I not make that mistake again?

If I fight to stay with my W, am I in a sense making the same mistake again?

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Before I started dating my W, I was in a 7 -year long R with a GF. Now looking back on it, both my W and this GF had one personality trait in common: Both put their fathers on HUGE pedestals - almost worshiping them. Their fathers were very different from each other, and in each case I got along well with the father, but in both cases after a while I felt compared to and in a way in competition with their fathers.

Kind of in the same way that it is impossible to compete with the fantasy perfection of an OM, it is impossible to measure up to the perceived perfection of an idolized father.

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I spent a while talking to my younger brother, comparing our life views as the oldest and youngest children respectively. He helped me to understand that while I grew up believing that I had to a) be responsible and b) take care of others, he grew up with the core beliefs that a) he had to rebel against the control of his parents to have a fun life and b) someone (parents, older siblings, etc) would always be there to bail him out or clean up the mess he made of things.

My W is a youngest child.

She definitely rebelled against her parents as a child. She got herself into trouble. Her dad bailed her out; fixed her problems.

Now that he is gone, am I in this role now? She is idolizing her father, and rebelling against me. She also seems to want me to bail her out - to be the one who moves forward with an amicable divorce, takes the blame and agrees to support her going forward.

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Anyway, all just jumbled thoughts right now. My W and I had a scheduled joint MC session this evening, and she has found a number of excuses why she does not want to go - fine with me. She asked for the last session and I think it was just so she had a forum to ask me to move out. She did. I politely refused. She was unhappy. I don't want to force her back into that discussion again.

One day at a time.

[Coach]

If I fight to stay with my W, am I in a sense making the same mistake again?

Great question. How would you keep from repeating the same mistakes? (it's gonna come up no matter where you end up BTW)
This is why you are the leader in your relationship right now, thinking thru possisble solutions, your issues to be resolved, re-thinking priorities/beliefs and getting stronger and healthier.
What you are asking is what makes "piecing" so hard. You can handle it.

Cheers

[AlexEN]

Thinker,

If you're not already familiar with it, you may want to take a look at a book by Harville Hendrix called Getting the Love you Want... It looks at the very issues about which you've been thinkin'... It's a fascinating book and talks a lot about his theories about how we and our mate choose each other (and how it ties back to FOO issues similar to the ones you describe). It's a book I want to re-read.

-AlexEn

[Coach]

Hendrix read is good. They talk about the Imago Dialouge which is helpful. Google Harville Hendrix and some of his stuff is on-line to download.

[Thinker]

Just Ordered it - Thanks!

[AlexEN]

Just Ordered it - Thanks!

Thinker,

You will like this book...

Separately, @Serenity13 is looking for tips on dropping the rope when still sleeping in the same bed. I remember that you asked about it at one time and seem to recall that @sandi2 had posted on it, but can't readily find any good posts... Can you think about where to point her?

Thanks,

AlexEN

[Thinker]

Journaling:

I had a session with my / our C today and the key word of the session was "Ambivalent". In many ways, this is the best way to describe what and how I am feeling.

In many ways he was very complimentary. He said I was doing a great job of working on myself and had really changed since I had been seeing him and was asking all the right questions and delving into the right topics. He said that it was normal for me to feel ambivalent and acknowledged that Mrs. Thinker just was not at a point where she could do the work or make the changes. I joked about living in "Limboland" and he smiled and said it was a perfect description.

He then asked the question that I think many of us are asking ourselves, "So how long are you willing to live like this?" I answered "Not forever, but I am not anywhere near that point yet"

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Mrs. Thinker is really very self absorbed and angry right now.

She normally keeps her laptop locked, but for some reason the boys were playing a computer game on it earlier today. They asked me for help, and as I was doing so I ran across an old picture of Mrs. Thinker with OM and his band (yes, he is a middle aged professional who started a garage band). I'd seen the picture before, but she has obviously been looking at it recently. As much as she denies that he has anything to do with our M, she is unquestionably still thinking about him. This is not news to me - just a reminder.

She is also jealous of the great time the boys had with me and my family last week, and is trying to limit my time doing that. My fathers birthday is next weekend and I am taking the boys to a big surprise birthday party weekend for him. Mrs. Thinker is invited, but has been hot and cold - she does not want to go, but does not want to be seen as not going either. Today, she began trying to sabotage it stating that we all go as a family, but then spend half the weekend elsewhere rather than attend the whole weekend of festivities with my families. When I refused to change my plans ("This is my weekend to attend my fathers birthday party. You may go or not go as you choose, but I am going to all of it") She threw a fit, called me a selfish jerk, cried "Why is everything always all about you", and then stated that if that was how I was going to be about it, then she would stay at home and the kids had to stay with her! - a power play to disrupt my plans and keep the boys away from my family. When I calmly said she the boys were going to come with me and she could enjoy a relaxing weekend at home in silence and peace if she wants, she yelled "The boys just spent a whole week with your family! They don't need to spend another weekend with them!!"

I just said "I'm sorry you feel that way" and she stalked away.

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It is interesting for me to note that when she is being completely self absorbed and self-interested (from my point of view), and I don't give in to her immediately, she immediately begins to accuse me of being a selfish jerk and yells "Why is everything always all about you!"

I didn't see it coming this time, but now looking back I see the same pattern every time. Next time I'll remember the script and see it coming. Previously I got defensive ("I am NOT being selfish!!"), but this time I just said nothing and held my ground. Next time....not sure. Any suggestions??

To be sure, I am also wondering if there is anything else I should be hearing/reading in this dynamic. If I try to prompt her into more of a discussion she just mutters something at me and stalks away.

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Which brings me back to my C's question. If my W is still fantasizing about OM, refusing to work on herself or the M, trying to separate the boys from me and my family, etc ... How long DO I want to live like this?

[Thinker]

But then, there are the boys to think about...

[Sara]

I must have missed the early part of your sitch, but I am intrigued by your word choice in the signature. Why did OM flee?

[Thinker]

I must have missed the early part of your sitch, but I am intrigued by your word choice in the signature. Why did OM flee?

The History of the Thinker EA...

Last year, after a couple of strange remarks and events which got my suspicions up, I accidentally discovered a bunch of sexually provocative IM's and photo's on my W's phone between her and OM. Complete Shock, Anger, Betrayal, Hurt. I confronted her with it and she dropped the bomb.

this was followed by 6 weeks of worthlessness with her lying to me (that it was over with OM, that there was really nothing there, that it was the first time, etc), and me trying to believe and convince her to come back - basically begging.

Then I discovered DB.

Then in February I had had enough and installed a key logger, hacked her phone records, etc. I found a heavy ongoing EA and wrote a letter to my W exposing it and telling her I wouldn't put up with it. In the subsequent discussions that night I also mentioned that I thought OM's W had the right to know.

My W immediately contacted OM in a panic, and his response was something along the lines of "My W can't find out. She'll go crazy! We have to stop! Delete all of my mails and my number from your phone! Don't contact me again!"

I know that my W has tried several times in the 6 months since then to re-initiate contact, but As far as I can tell this was always one sided - her contacting him, with little or no response.

One never knows, however...

I do know that since then she has been very careful. The keylogger is gone (she scanned for it, found it, demanded that I remove it, and has rescanned since.) In return for removing the keylogger, she gave me the passwords to her email accounts. I haven't looked at the accounts in a long time, however, figuring that if she has restarted anything, she has either opened a new account, or is carefully deleting the sent items and emptying the trash. She is an intelligent person.