SP- come on now. She has your number. The cleavage was for you, you *?!#.
That would be nice to believe, but in fact I was supposed to be out on my long run.
I have in this house a very balky dishwasher, that does about a dozen loads and crashes, and I have a house-sitter coming on Thursday so I called the service company for another visit. In any event, I got put on a long hold. My schedule said that I was out the door at 0700 for a 2.5 hour run; the kids' day camp starts at 0800, so WAW had little reason to believe I'd be in the house. As it happened, I didn't get out of the house until 0930, which had the effect of bolloxing up my whole day. How did I get talked into this marathon thing????
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Dressed "to the nines" in the morning...your inane (and I CAN'T believe you said that) comment about her "hot date" (that actual reminds me of Shmedlap, yikes)...on the spot over the date we DON'T actually have...you don't have to guess because she already showed you.
She *did* have a date. Or, as she prefers it, a "first meeting." That was the point of the entire exegesis over holding one's self out as a married person.
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I don't know about the whole friends with benefits deal you've got going with your lady friend(s)...if it works for you. However, after how many 10s of years ML to one woman, you think there is nothing significant about crossing that threshold with another woman?
Didn't say there was nothing significant. Said I don't believe there's anything significant in the context of my divorce. And it's worthwhile, I think, to write the sentence complete -- "after how many 10s of years ML to one woman and 3 years of almost no ML to the same woman."
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I DO think it is possibly disingenuous to try to play it off as no biggie (probably why it has inspired so much conversation here).
It is...possibly...but whatever the reason it has created a dialog, from my POV the dialog is the most important outcome. @fb2:
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if you had to file your taxes today you would file as "married filing jointly/separately".
Actually we're filing individually. (And she got the accountant in the separation, too, d*mmit.)
@stuck
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The thing about sex being a part of GAL is pretty shallow IMHO.
You're perfectly entitled to that opinion. But I think I am to mine, as well. Why is it shallow in your point-of-view? If it is very important to me, and has not been part of my life, and I am getting-a-life, why should I exclude it? I've always been a very sexual (sensual?) -- physical -- person. That part of me has been denied for at least 3 years. Why shouldn't I get it back?
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I mean, do you really need it that bad that you could hurt the person you're doing it with? I mean, screwing around just to get your rocks off is pretty petty and just seems like you're playing your W's game in her field.
I don't quite get this. How can I hurt someone (presumably one of the Florence Nightingales) who has offered it in full knowledge of the situation? Or maybe you mean WAW? I'd be happy to have some clarification there.
@Puppy:
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I also think SP could get his wife back, right now, IF he still wants her (and I'm not at all sure that he should).
Yes, well that has become THE question, sir. Do I want that? Should I want that? (Okay, two questions. Or one compound question.)
So dating is now the ultimate GAL? All the LBS should now just look at their spouses and see that they are just doing something good for themselves. it's healthy, productive and is good for the family, really? All of SPs "needs" on his list - pizza, beer, sex, house-keeper, new car etc. Are just wants in my book. Did he have all those things while deployed?
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And, if the WAS does have a change of heart/mind, the LBS has something he never had before in the entire sitch -- Choice!
Choice. That's the whole point of DB you have a choice everyday how you act, think, and feel. My wife doesn't make choices for me, I am responsbible for me. I can choose to love even when it is "tough love" or just brotherly love. I had a choice during my whole sitch it had nothing to do with my wife. Isn't that one of the Retro mantras - "Love is a decision."? Making a decision means you had a choice. I can see how jealousy can have it's place in motivating someone. Jealousy is a negative emotion, it is fear based. Not the base I would want to rebuild on. Especially if I had a choice. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Aside from the moral or DB aspects... Doesn't anyone else here want to vomit when they think of casual romps with multiple partners? All those genitals intermingling... Your pants may as well be a gas station toilet. I don't care what kind of protection you use. Squandering your body kind of devalues the goods, in my opinion.
Blech.
And, why are you flying all the way to Europe to get laid? That sure will be an expensive trick.
Seeing as you are not a stupid person and that you have some self worth, I'm going to assume that you're telling us about all these women simply to stroke your own ego and/or to provide shock value for the crowd because you're bored. Whatever floats your boat, I suppose.
@Greek poked a stick in my cage, leveling the "you're a walkaway" charge at me. @Kalni took exception to this notion. @Greek said that from @Greek's POV I'm "still married" -- which would, by definition, mean that I am (preparing to have) having an affair.
The stick I'm poking in your cage (great image!) is that yes, by definition, you are doing what we agreed Mrs. SP was doing with Schmuck. We didn't think it was OK when she was doing it....and just b/c I like you, doesn't mean I think it's ok for you to do it. To be clear, what I think does not matter - this is your call only.
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
You are doing what we agreed Mrs. SP was doing with Schmuck. We didn't think it was OK when she was doing it....and just b/c I like you, doesn't mean I think it's ok for you to do it.
Ouch! I agree.
ps - as Greek said...what we think doesn't matter...this is 'your' call!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
She *did* have a date. Or, as she prefers it, a "first meeting." That was the point of the entire exegesis over holding one's self out as a married person.
How/why? do you know this? (a question I have to ask myself)...
Whether out of ego, cruelty or actual emotional attachment, you both are still dancing together.
All of SPs "needs" on his list - pizza, beer, sex, house-keeper, new car etc. Are just wants in my book. Did he have all those things while deployed?
Nope. Didn't have sex, either. So let's add that to the list of "wants" and drop the rope on this circular "need" discourse.
@LuckyGirl:
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Doesn't anyone else here want to vomit when they think of casual romps with multiple partners? All those genitals intermingling
Can't speak for anyone else. I think you know what my answer is.
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why are you flying all the way to Europe to get laid? That sure will be an expensive trick
Business trip happens to be to same destination where Florence Nightingale lives.
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I'm going to assume that you're telling us about all these women simply to stroke your own ego and/or to provide shock value for the crowd because you're bored. Whatever floats your boat, I suppose.
Okay, if that's what works for you. You know what they say about assuming. But more power to you; carry on.
@Greek:
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yes, by definition, you are doing what we agreed Mrs. SP was doing with Schmuck.
We will have to agree only to disagree. WAW had an affair. I am a separated person who has just filled out his response to his STBXW's divorce petition. I categorically reject the notion that one can have an "affair" during the dissolution of a marriage. WAW has, by her own words, no expectation of fidelity to the marriage from herself or from me. "We're on our own now." When she was en flagrante with Signore Schmuckatelli, I did in fact have an expectation of fidelity, given that I thought (foolishly, as it happens) that I was married. I did not then know I was already dead. The latter was an extra-marital affair (from my POV -- note, not from WAW's, Herself already having decided to drop the Bomb). The former is just getting lucky (no pun intended).
@aliveandkicking:
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How/why? do you know this? (a question I have to ask myself)...
Misdirected voice-mail from the organizer who thought s/he was phoning WAW's mobile. Which is why WAW wigged-out. The same reason she wigged-out when I confronted her with evidence re: Signore Schmuckatelli -- she substitutes taking offense (both pronunciations of "offense") for taking responsibility.
Jealousy is a negative emotion, it is fear based. Not the base I would want to rebuild on. Especially if I had a choice. Cheers
Sound wisdom!
OK I'm going to reply again on this logic because I tend to be overly analytical and need to have the logic spelled out for me and have a question answered based on the ideas & opinion's going back & forth.
"...Jealousy is a negative emotion, it is fear based. Not the base I would want to rebuild on. Especially if I had a choice."
Jealousy is a negative emotion and it's fear based.
I agree with you on that statement, totally 100%
Alot of us started reading tons of books and started scouring the internet for information on how to get our spouses to notice us again and rethink the current situations and alot of us did this (ok I'll speak for myself here, I'm enjoying the honest brute force approach lately) because we were scared of losing our spouses. We were scared & lonely. We were jealous of the "new friends" our spouses had made, that they were getting & giving attention to our spouses and we were left behind & discarded like yesterday's newspaper. Everyone else on this site can say the opposite, that they're not afraid of losing their spouses, they aren't jealous of the people our spouses prefer over us, they aren't jealous that those "love chemical" feelings that our spouses are currently feeling for others isn't being directed back to us where it should be. We aren't afraid that our families are being destroyed, our kids are being hurt emotionally, we're being hurt emotionally.
Yes this is all fear & jealousy to begin with, I totally agree.
But it does transform into something else.
I'll speak for myself: fear & jealousy among other feelings motivated me to get off my duff and do something about this. Review my life, change the things that needed to be changed, found out that I enjoyed personal development, witnessed that my life actually improved because of the positive changes I was making, I continued to evolve, press forward, realize more untapped potential, etc.
Those feelings of jealousy & fear aren't there anymore, they're replaced with confidence, strength, courage and a great sense of self-esteem, self-respect, self-value and self-love.
So if I'm at this point in my life where I'm doing 100% (if not more) better than I was when all of these problems started, technically these changes in my life were built originally on a base of fear & jealousy.
