Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Thinker]

Journaling and "Thinking"...just working through a few "Thoughs"

I was reading something that @healthydad posted about our spouses and how we pick them based on our own issues. Something about it struck home, but I can't put my finger on it.

Why did I pick my W?

Why did she pick me? (Although she now claims that she never really did)

If my choice was based on my own issues (and I believe that in part it was), then how do I not make that mistake again?

If I fight to stay with my W, am I in a sense making the same mistake again?

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Before I started dating my W, I was in a 7 -year long R with a GF. Now looking back on it, both my W and this GF had one personality trait in common: Both put their fathers on HUGE pedestals - almost worshiping them. Their fathers were very different from each other, and in each case I got along well with the father, but in both cases after a while I felt compared to and in a way in competition with their fathers.

Kind of in the same way that it is impossible to compete with the fantasy perfection of an OM, it is impossible to measure up to the perceived perfection of an idolized father.

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I spent a while talking to my younger brother, comparing our life views as the oldest and youngest children respectively. He helped me to understand that while I grew up believing that I had to a) be responsible and b) take care of others, he grew up with the core beliefs that a) he had to rebel against the control of his parents to have a fun life and b) someone (parents, older siblings, etc) would always be there to bail him out or clean up the mess he made of things.

My W is a youngest child.

She definitely rebelled against her parents as a child. She got herself into trouble. Her dad bailed her out; fixed her problems.

Now that he is gone, am I in this role now? She is idolizing her father, and rebelling against me. She also seems to want me to bail her out - to be the one who moves forward with an amicable divorce, takes the blame and agrees to support her going forward.

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Anyway, all just jumbled thoughts right now. My W and I had a scheduled joint MC session this evening, and she has found a number of excuses why she does not want to go - fine with me. She asked for the last session and I think it was just so she had a forum to ask me to move out. She did. I politely refused. She was unhappy. I don't want to force her back into that discussion again.

One day at a time.