I am getting worn out with this

[mvgolfer]

ok, did not sleep AT ALL last night. Spackled nail holes in the moulding (it's all painted white)'til 12:30.

H emailed me when he got in - like he said. No ILY's, though. I did in my emails..shouldn't have - I know, I know...

At least I am hoping he has overlooked my eariler mistake. It's so stupid and psycho, i can't even talk about it.

For some reason I am feeling ok today..no panicky feelings. Maybe because I am falling-through-my-a$$-tired.

I have lots to do tonight after work to get ready to leave and fly out to Seattle Thursday, so I guess that's good in a way. Bought some clothes last night that fit me. Bought a bunch of skin care stuff from a mall kiosk guy..don't know why I did that. I must have been wearing the 'sucker' sign that day. It was fun shopping for smaller sizes, but knowing the reason why, made me sad.(D diet) So it cancelled the positives out. i don't want to look like skeletor or waifish to the in-laws ,or to my co-workers. I wish I could eat more.

So, I plan to focus on what I need to get done and I hope, hope , hope I don't get 'that' feeling of panic/fear that seems like it can consume me. Kept me awake all night with wierd thoughts and half dreams.

Any tricks to making that go away - at least for a while? I know I have to detach, so that may help if I can get to that point.

I need to call the IL's to at least say hi, and to touch base before we show up. I think H only tells them 1/2 truths and mostly blames me. But the more I know or find out, it really does seem like there is much more to all of this than just me. So if I can change me, that's good, but it still will only help us part of the way.

I think I am also going to contact a different counselor. The one we have now is ok - but seems to be hung up on the 'philsophical' aspects of C. I feel like she is trying to make us understand or fit into her thesis or something. No action.

I love coffee.
marsh