Yes, I have no doubt there are deliberate predators out there. Shame on them, and heaven be their judge. But there are, I daresay, many more people who are simply screwed up, sad, weak, deluded, and lost ..... just like the Walkaways whose spouses post here. Yes, the chemicals of infatuation are powerful persuaders, but that works both ways.
Hmmmm...yes, with a double affair you have two participants who are both predator and prey...a dangerous combination...
Re chemicals of infatuation...the research shows the addiction is on the side of the wayward spouse, not the violating party (in cases of single affairs)
The violating party has a very different set of motivators than the wayward party. Based on the research I have found so far, which is extensive, the addiction is placed hard in the hand of the wayward spouse...
So no, studies have shown it does not go both ways... [/quote]
Originally Posted By: Kettricken
If you have to infantilize your spouse to forgive them, if you have to spin it in your head that they must have been the victim of a predator to speak and act as they did .... then I feel sorry for you and your spouse. Because even if you reconcile, your marriage is built on sand and illusion.
No one is infantalizing anyone. I am suggesting we employ understanding. People have times in their lives when their moods are heavily in flux...during the heat of my partner's affair I made mistake after mistake at work...i should have been fired...and was...
My manager knew of my challenges at home, so I was not let go. My manager was employing something you sorely need if you want to understand love anytime again...compassion.
My manager knew MY MOODS where in flux, that MY JUDGEMENT was imparied, that I couldn't THINK straight...so he let my mistakes go...and i worked to correct them.
How is THAT any different than what we should be offering spouses? Can't I offer my spouse the same thing my manager offers me in my workplace?
Seriously...no one is suggesting that you treat your spouse like a child, they are doing a good enough job of that on their own. But I will treat them like a person who has a life, has choices, and has sour moods in flux that will impair good judgement. Couple that with a dangerous voice whispering over your shoulder and I can't help but sympathise for wayward spouses who are remorseful and chose to consider returning.
But what would kind of home would your spouse be returning to? A rather bitter and unforgiving one from my readings here...please work on that...it will help others here find motivation rather than just rage.
I haven't lost the plot, I am afraid you haven't read divorce remedy lately..you clearly have lost THAT plot if you are going to rage at and condemn your spouse and leave a mere stranger to defend them...
Originally Posted By: Kettricken
We are all, every last one of us, capable of terrible betrayals. Of course, it is up to the betrayed spouse whether to forgive or not. But that's a decision that should be made with eyes open and full recognition of the culpability of the transgressor, not a lot of scapegoating and sugarcoating. Otherwise, it's just a lie piled on lies. IMHO.
You will never forgive with an attitude like that, sorry but it doesn't work. Anger begets anger...
I am not sugar coating, I KNOW how much PAIN I was in...but I dont' want to feel that way anymore, and I don't want my spouse to feel that way either...
You are angry and I get that, but anger won't bring back a wayward spouse, never has and never will...
