OK I've read a few people post comments similar to this and yes my dumb ass male logic has to ask the question.
Is this really the case?
Do our chances of reconciliation really become smaller if we date other people while separated? Follow me here, aren't we db'ing & pursuing our spouses who have "walked away" from the marriage and aren't we all trying harder to improve ourselves with one of the goals being to "bust the divorce"?
What inspired all of this?
Our spouses left us, we apparently weren't good enough anymore, not enough perceived value.
So they leave us which communicates to us that they're better than us and they want something better for them because we have established to them with out past behaviors that we have less value. If we had greater or equal value, we wouldn't be here. But they're looking for something that based on their own internal logic can't be provided by their existing spouses.
So we pick ourselves up off the ground, we DB, we improve ourselves for ourselves first(some improve themselves just for their spouses, the changes don't last, the intentions weren't authentic/genuine), we become smarter, we become more confident, our self-love, self-value, self-respect grows by leaps & bounds. Our own internal logic kicks in after so much detachment, going dark, no contact, etc. that we're ok alone and maybe things aren't so bad without our spouse. The confidence kicks up another notch and says that not only aren't we not so bad, we're pretty damn good. We start feeling so good that we continue on the path and start rationalizing why shouldn't we be out there having fun. What is to be gained by spending time in this fashion waiting for the other spouse to regain their senses & return. That communicates lower value so we become confident enough to start dating. The other spouse finds out or starts wondering because the LBS has stopped fighting the separation/divorce, the find out that the LBS is contemplating dating & moving on, they get the message that the LBS has increased in value again, we're something worth having again, they want us back because someone else finds value in us.
OK, that's diarrhea of the mouth if I ever saw it.
The point i'm making is that after a while we know our value, we feel it, we believe it and we become confident enough to try again with someone new because the WAS discarded us. When we start doing this, the WAS gets the message, I threw away something valuable... what have I done?
SP, I think that's why your wife asked about you being on a date when she couldn't reach you. She rationalizes her behavior, she's allowed to do what she's doing (going out on hot dates), she feels better about herself at your expense. When you stop allowing that by moving on with your life, you stop her healing and throw a wrench into the entire process. How can he be moving on, I was the one who left him, he doesn't get to move on, he loves me, he should pine for me forever & suffer.
Dating/Don't Date, it's all up to you (that means all of you). I don't think it ruins the chances of reconciliation, if it did, the LBS's would pack up & walk away as soon as our WAS had affairs - there is something to this fact, it sparks competition & attraction, it has to, otherwise we wouldn't be here posting on a forum about things to do to get our spouses back.
My point exactly. It is the ultimate GAL. And, if the WAS does have a change of heart/mind, the LBS has something he never had before in the entire sitch -- Choice!
(rob says this as he tries to do that snapping thing while waving his hand in a zig zag fashion and looking like a total white ass without any rhythm LOL!)
For cryin' out loud, I missed this conversation due to lack of internet access!!!
Anyway, saw this earlier and didn't have time to respond...finally-
Originally Posted By: SmileysPerson
Technically I am not still married. I am legally separated. It is a different status at law and in the eyes of society writ large.
I do not hold myself out to the community as a married man; Herself does not hold herself out to the community as a married woman -- indeed, she publicly and openly holds herself out, by her own admission, as a single woman.
We did in fact run into each other this a.m. during the kid exchange and she was dressed to the nines, with more cleavage on display than I'd ever seen. And when I said, "Wow. Must be a hot date today," she blushed redder than red and tossed her hair which, in the body language of Herself, always = Totally Busted.
She will talk about this date with all of her friends -- that is her way. She will talk it up beforehand and dissect it after. She has announced to all the world -- even to me -- her desperate, desperate desire for sex with a new man.
So I have no "wife" in the eyes of the public, and since I have no gods I have no marriage in the eyes of them, either.
The only "I'm still married" argument I could make would be one based purely on will -- I WILL consider myself married until I'm not.
But in every practical sense of the term, except for the rapping of the judge's gavel, I am not married. So I can hardly be "stepping out" on my wife. As there is no woman in the world at this time who claims that title.
SP- come on now. She has your number. The cleavage was for you, you *?!#. Dressed "to the nines" in the morning when she knew she was likely to run into you??? The blushing when you made your inane (and I CAN'T believe you said that) comment about her "hot date" (that actual reminds me of Shmedlap, yikes)...guess what we do when we look really great, want it noticed, it gets noticed and then are on the spot over the date we DON't actually have...you don't have to guess because she already showed you.
Forget about your willy for five minutes and take a chance on manning up with your W...if you accept that challenge.
You know, reading this scares me into thinking that my H is actually thick enough to believe that my coincidentally looking hot EVERY time he sees me is for someone else when it is for HIM (I mean ME, yeah right ).
And then you go on to mind read and project about some imaginary conversation with her friends and blah blah blah.
Come on SP...all that mojo and she just mopped the floor with you.
I don't know about the whole friends with benefits deal you've got going with your lady friend(s)...if it works for you. However, after how many 10s of years ML to one woman, you think there is nothing significant about crossing that threshold with another woman? You know what you're doing.
Sometimes both partners dating and having sex with others sort of evens the score so I'm not sure it is that consequential as for as impacting your potential reconciliation. I DO think it is possibly disingenuous to try to play it off as no biggie (probably why it has inspired so much conversation here).
Anyway, as for the REASON you came here. Work that mojo...you're missing some major moments.
"Technically I am not still married. I am legally separated. It is a different status at law and in the eyes of society writ large."
Technically you are still indeed legally married; if you had to file your taxes today you would file as "married filing jointly/separately". You are not divorced either. You are simply "legally separated" whatever that means. There is usually no box on all those forms for "legally separated". And if either if you were to get "married" now legally you'd be in a state of "bigamy". And you could stay legally separated forever if you both so choose. And the moment your W's cleavage attracts an OM she'll be pushing for legal D; remember her main unstated goal now is to get an OM (wasn't there one earlier with that German sounding name you gave him). That's why the law of the "gods" trumps all these lame man-made laws that are full of loopholes.
The thing about sex being a part of GAL is pretty shallow IMHO.
I mean, do you really need it that bad that you could hurt the person you're doing it with? I mean, screwing around just to get your rocks off is pretty petty and just seems like you're playing your W's game in her field.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
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