Waiting More Than a Dozen Years

[Bagheera]

Greetings, again, Earl Grey (and yes, I got the name reference right away);

I know that you came here seeking answers regarding how to restart your now 12-years dead sex-life with your current wife. But rather than focus our attentions on her, and what you might suggest to her, we have instead put the spot-light on *you*. What's with that? A few points in answer:

(1) The lack of sex in a marriage is almost invariably a *symptom* of a MUCH larger problem, or set of problems in the relationship. In order to fix the Sex-Starved Marriage, you almost always have to dig much deeper, and ask *both* spouses to begin the long, difficult task of making significant changes to BOTH themselves AND to how they interract with their partner.

(2) If you were to hand a copy of MWD's The Sex-Starved Marriage to your wife, or some other book that we could recommend to you, the chances are extremely thin to nil that she would even open it, much less read it, based upon all that you have described here about her. It would only make her angry and defensive. The same thing goes for suggesting that you two see a Marriage Counselor or Sex Therapist together -- she would veto that notion as well, from what you've said. Thus, the ONLY person that we suggest making changes to is YOU. Luckily, *you* are 50% of your marriage, and we can guarantee that if you start to make positive changes in yourself, it WILL have an effect on your partner and your marriage. So we start by focusing on **YOU**.

(3) It is very obvious from your posts that you have a very common ailment among men stuck in sex-starved marriage: the so-called Nice Guy Syndrome. If you don't want to take my word for it, try taking this Nice Guy assessment test. The good news is that if you work hard and put your mind to it, you CAN recover from this, and it will positively effect all aspects of your life, not *just* your sex-life. You're also in good company -- we've seen this before and those of us who talk about it here tend to be recovering Nice Guys ourselves. Even if you don't believe our assessment of you, I would challenge you to still go out and get a copy of No More Mr. Nice Guy, by Dr. Robert Glover: if it applies, great -- get to work!, and if it doesn't, you're only out a few bucks and might learn something useful anyway. If that book doesn't appeal to you, I would also recommend The Way of the Superior Man, by David Deida, although I find Dieda to be a bit heavy and abrasive at times.

In any case, you need to do some serious introspection about the relationship that you are currently in, and what YOU get out of it. Currently you feel like this:

An incident the other day had me think about something I have not in a very long time: the thought of just walking away. No warning, no threats. Just walking away, particularly when I’m told, in so many words, that I can’t be angry or display anger.

While in your last past, you shared the following:

And what I learned from the outset was that it was ultimately better to "give in" than to "stick to my guns." And what have I given up? Well, the tangible things are things like my music (she doesn't like it and so my music and my very nice stereo system are put away), my mountain climbing and hiking, my skiing (I became an accomplished snow skier between marriages), most of my photography.

Can't you see the correlation between these two statements? You have sacrificed, in order to "keep the peace," the very things that give YOU pleasure, as a person and a man. You have allowed yourself to give up the very things that make YOU happy and make your life fulfilling for **YOU**.

On the relationship front, you talk about promises and "negotiations." You have given your word that:

(1) You will remain ever faithful to your wife...no matter how she treats you.
(2) That if you find yourself straying you will disclose it to your wife immediately.
(3) No matter how bad the relationship is, no matter how trapped and unhappy you feel, you will never threaten to leave the relationship.
(4) You will not show anger or negative emotions toward your wife...ever. And,
(5) You have (silently) agreed to a completely sexless marriage for 12 years now.

Earl....what did YOU get out of these "negotiations"? I don't see that you got anything worthwhile, and instead you have agreed to give up all power in the relationship and hand it over to your wife. You have also given ALL of your masculininity (masculine energy, strength of will and character, decisiveness, and sexiness) over to your wife also --> she wears the pants in the relationship (and I'd be willing to bet that she secretly resents it). And yet she still 'beats you up' over the last time you actually tried to stand up to her...21 year ago (!!!), and makes you feel guilty, even over THAT.

Earl, what I see is a man who will do anthing, absolutely ANYTHING, in order to avoid conflict. You would rather obediently hold out your hands for the shackles to be placed on them, rather than do *anything* that would threaten the so-called "peace." And in the process, you are miserable and feel like you have lost yourself and all sources of happiness....and, in fact, you have -- you handed it all over voluntarily.

Earl: REAL relationships between men and women, *healthy* relationships, include *conflict* and conflict resolution. Spouses become angry at each other from time to time, they argue, they bicker, and they fuss --> but they do so in a non-destructive fashion that doesn't do damage to their close relationship, they resolve the conflicts (in varying degrees), and they move on and keep on loving each other. Healthy marriages are *hard work*, and don't "just happen" --> they have to be purposefully strived for by BOTH partners.

The FIRST step in your journey towards a healthy relationship is to start living your life for YOURSELF again, your OWN happiness, and to do so in a self-determined fashion. If your spouse disapproves, that's HER choice, and not yours -- let her disapprove. Take back your manhood and start doing the things that make YOU happy again, not to the detriment of your other responsibilities, but in moderate, healthy doses. Decide who YOU want to be, for a change, and then start reaching for it.

-- B.