So it begins to bring my wife home

[25yearsmlc]

Josh,

SLOW DOWN BIG TIME!! Do Not Reconcile tomorrow. MAYBE MAYBE Agree to consider it or take the time to talk to someone about what it would mean and what it would take.

NOTHING IN YOUR W HAS CHANGED ENOUGH IN ONE MONTH FOR YOU TO FEEL REASSURED YET...am I missing something?
Your wife and marriage are unstable and have been awhile now.

Given the dynamics in the M, including yours, why not have each of you get a C or T and IF you reconcile, get a good, pro-M T or C. You can call and ask them if they're "solution based" or "faith based" and those are some of the code words that you want to see.

Otherwise you risk the chance that your T will tell either or both of you that "if you are not happy today...say goodbye. There are No kids, what's the problem?" And you will divorce AND have learned nothing. ((All pain and no gain))

So I guess my big question is are YOU seeing a c or t yet? If not, why not?

And my suggestion about a reconciliation -without dramatic insights on her end AND yours... is that it'll be fatal to the M if you don't handle this slowly. MANY couples rush back in out of fear of losing the other or being alone, and they fail again since they still have NOT acquired the tools needed for M success, And then they think they have "tried again" and "it still failed so it's OVER!" And they really end it then.

I'm concerned that this is the 2nd M for both of you and I'm not clear on your issues or the work you have done that makes you different today than before or with your 1st W. You said it ended b/c you "cheated and drank too much" and then sort of acted as if that was that. Those are big deal breakers Josh...what's different about you now?

How long have you known this 2nd w in total? You said the M was 2 years and she's now 21, AND that she was "married" before she met you...so how's that add up? I mean I believe you but it's odd. And I have to wonder why a guy meets someone right after she comes out of a bad R/M, and is so young-right out of high school? and marries her pretty fast. And then has an up and down R/M and doesn't fix it or get help.....until she leaves him....and NOW your "help" thus far is this board. IS that accurate?

But Josh, you need way more help than we can provide here and she surely does too. You need some serious tools for life and M.
No offense meant. I have been to some great T's so I am a believer in them. I make no moral judgement about you or your w here; but your wife is acting emotionally unstable and though she's obviously the "main" issue in that she left the house, she's just part of this. You have been coasting in a weird M for awhile by your own admission. Why?

And you have taken a long time before looking at yourself and the things that ended your last M...Or so it seems. You kind of swept by with the "Oh, I cheated for 3 months AND THEN decided I wanted to try, and I drank too much but then I stopped for the remainder of the M....(which I assume means you now drink again?? How's that working for you?)

In sum, take this very slowly. Own what you can and then set out normal 'minimums'. Such as, "you can't leave every time you get mad at me" and "this is a M of 2, not 3 or 78, so there will be NO OPs'"...period.
These are basics. "No drug abuse"--can't help but wonder if that is a factor in her erratic behavior, and "no criminal behavior, and really thinking things thru before blurting them out or acting on them..."
BTW, what is it that she specifically says is your problem? I get that she said you don't understand her blah blah blah...but what is it that you DO or SAY that bugs her and do you accept that as something to work on?

Also the passive aggressive sounds as if it went both ways and that's another reason for you getting some real C soon. I sure would. I would want to know why my 2 M's have had such short lived timespans and what I can do to lessen the risk of this pain again.

And please don't commit or agree to reconcile tomorrow. Wait to think things through NOT b/c you don't love her but b/c you want to do this right. It is Not 'half ass' time.

Being together is not always better than being alone, if you'll end up alone b/c you were together too soon. Make sense? Please also, call a C for you and HER as individuals and then -or simultanesouly- do the couple's work. She needs some serious tools no matter how much of a life you say she has lived. Living and learning are two different things sometimes....which is too bad.

good luck,
j-