Well I have not posted for quite a while. I speak to a DB Coach every couple of weeks although it is quite expensive. Her coaching makes me feel better about myself and she actually suggests obvious ideas that I just seem to overlook or ignore due to the pain, hurt, and anger. I find when I can think beyond these negative feelings, the ideas, the creativity, the positive energy just flows out of me.
The opposite is speaking to friends or other women in person or on facebook that continue to aggressively try to convince me to leave my wife, because they say ultimately my happiness and the happiness of my children (because they can supposedly see or sense the distance between my wife and I) are more important than our marriage. I feel a lot of what I read or receive responses to in this online community is mostly negative as well, therefore I stay away. I am just here today to put some thoughts in writing. If anyone reads and chooses to respond, I will be more than happy to listen.
Some of my goals all along have been the following and the status of them: 1) Stay Married - So far so good! 2) Stay Together Under the Same Roof with Our Children - so far so good. 3) Receive a Hug and a Kiss from her everyday - this only happens if I initiate it...she still never initiates. If I didn't initiate it would never happen. I am lucky to get an open mouth passionate kiss once every couple of weeks. Most of the time she actually turns me down or turns away when I try or even ask to kiss her. 4) Have a daily meaningful conversation with her - once again if I come up with a topic and initiate it sometime between coming home from work and before bedtime it will happen about once or twice a week. She is receptive to talking if she is interested in the subject, i.e. usually work, school, or her friends/co workers are the topics that interest her most. She doesn't seem to like to talk about me, my friends, or anything that I am interested in. 5) Weekly Date Nights - Am only accomplishing this about once a month and the last one was so bad full of negative relationship talk "I am going to move out...I want to find another man...you need to learn to let me go..." and bad sex "I don't like kissing or having sex with you..." that I haven't wanted to initate this recently. In speaking with the Coach my best approach for this is group dating, so I am in the process of setting this up but it will be more like once a month. 6) Sex once a week - Am lucky if once a month and once again only if I initiate, although has happened twice this month, so I am up to every couple of weeks unless this is a fluke. Oddly enough when the opportunity arises usually in the middle of the night or middle of the day during the kids naptime on weekends, she really only turns me down about 50% of the time. Her excuses when turning me down are usually I am tired or I just ate and I am too full. Unfortunatley, when we get started her first words are "get the lotion" and immediately after we are done "I have to go to the bathroom." I avoid lotion by performing oral sex on her to pleasure her first and because she really doesn't want to kiss me. I find that the more time we spend with friends, i.e. weekend BBQs, etc. she is more likely to be receptive to sex. She still never initiates or does anything for me, but she still seems to really enjoy when I perform oral sex on her and after that she lets me do about antyhing that I want except kiss her. Note One: I think I have to say for the record that either I am still extremly sexually attracted to my wife, I just have a strong desire for sex, and or I am addicted to sex, because I seem to want to have sex with her everyday and if the opporutnity doesn't arise because she goes to bed early, the kids are the bed with us, work, school, etc. I want to pleasure myself and sometimes I actually do in the bathroom or shower. Note Two: My wife had never complained to me about sex ever except one time she said to me in a heated argument that we never make love we only [censored]. She had also said previously sex was always the best thing we had going for us. She one time said, if and when the sex ever gets bad or that she doesn't want it we will truly be over. I wonder if that is what she is thinking now. I don't dare ask for fear of the truth and avoiding relationship talk. Am I wrong about any of this? The DB Coach says to not stop trying for sex especially when sometimes she is receptive as it may be one of the reasons she stays, may eventually be the spark to kickstart the marriage, and or at least provides some level of physical closeness/relationship between us both. I just wonder if this is healthy if in fact she is having an affair. It is a fact that she had one about three years ago and although I still sense it is a possibility today, she denies it and I really cannot prove it. Coach says keep trying, don't give up, especially if I don't know for sure and at least I am still accomplishing my first two goals. I just wonder if I am being too nice, a pushover, and or doormat by moving forward even though I know and sense these feelings of infidelity. 7) Making future plans together - she requested that I plan a family camping trip and a family vacation to an island resort this summer during her school breaks. She wants her sister to go, which is a positive because she could watch the kids while we go out together or it could be a negative, because she may want to spend more time with her than me. Coach says move forward with planning these. 8) Flirt - Send emails, texts, calls, cards, notes, and or rub/touch her when close - have been doing this almost daily - she doesn't really flirt back but I see and or sense a smile every once in a while. Coach says this is good.
Regardless of all the good, positive, nice, happy things that I do and say, she continues to seem to be as negative, critical, complaining, etc of me every chance she gets. She almost daily tells our son he has a nasty bad attitude like his Dad. I don't feel that I have an attitude and actually think she is the one that he is getting it from but I don't dare say. She asks me to go get a pizza and when I do and return she yells and complains asking me why I took so long. She asks me to fill the car up with gas and I do and return and get a similar response. I pay all the bills, deal with all the vehicle and home maintenance issues, and the moment something is or goes wrong she blames me. Obviously, my response or defense is usually typically almost always one of disappointment, sadness, and anger. All I want is a simple thank you, but I never get that. Of course I want even more like a hug, a kiss, and the words I love you, but of course that would be asking for way to much. I know that everyone must be thinking that I should just stop being nice, but I have tried that and it gets even worst because then she will say that I do nothing or I am good for nothing and gives her even more reasons to want to leave and stay gone. Coach says kill her humor and kindness. Instead of responding with anger, respond with humor and niceties. In other words change my approach because she expects the negative response. It is funny that this approach does remove the tension.
I am prepared to tell her to go if she brings it up again that she wants to move out on her own and get an apartment. I am prepared to tell her that all I have ever wanted was for her to be happy and even though I don't want her to go that if she does I won't stop her because really how can I stop her. I will tell her that I will fight to retain custody of the children although agree to a visitation arrangement, because I don't feel she is a fit mother and truly can't take of the kids by herself especially with work and school she is spending more time out of the house than I am.
I am just so concerned, frustrated and disappointed that we had such dreams of a life together forever, living, growing, rasiing children, and building our nest egg together. Now she is just throwing it all away. She focusses only on her self with no regard to our finances or future. She bought a new car that we can't afford. She buys new shoes, clothes, purses, jewelry, hair and other beauty products every week that continues to blow are budget. I can't seem to convince her. Heck some of the things she appears to have don't seem to add up as either she is getting the five finger discounts or receiving gifts. Either way would indicate she has a secret friend, account, or some habit I never new about. Either way I would think one of these will ultimately blow up in her face and get her and who knows who else in trouble. Coach says do a budget and show it to her otherwise let it go.
I think I've rambled enough. It is late. And I am tired.
