I had a nice day in just about the nicest part of town today.
Back to earlier. H wanted to have lunch with us and I said we probably had plans. H said he needed to come by to get some things.
Despite the fact that I really wanted to just stay home and chill, gathered up the kids and booked it out of here.
H called again to see if we could meet for lunch. Was surprised that we were out, he was "convinced we'd be home" (wtf??). I Made the mistake of letting him know what area we were going to as I wanted him to know we'd be far. Wow, H told me by coincidence he would be in that area later, maybe we could meet up. I said no, that we had plans. He said "I don't know why I'm pushing it." Tried one more time and then said "fine I guess I'll just see them on Wednesday!"
Then he texted an apology for having an attitude. Left a message about having come by the house and someone he knows says hi. Then texted later to see if kids wanted to talk to him...which I did not answer until much too late.
Now, this was all a huge challenge for me. Left the house on a dime. Didn't accept lunch invitation. Didn't accept dinner invitation. Didn't respond to texts or message.
Why is it sooooo hard????
25- I thought a lot today about what the heck I am doing. I am a smart woman, why am I dragging this out?
a) obviously there is much more to H than the nincompoop he is being now AND, there are still moments that are thoughtful, touching, reminiscent of better times (yes in the midst of mostly juvenile absurdity)...point being, you know I wouldn't be wrestling with this if I didn't have some awareness of what H is capable of. Not saying that is valid or working, just explaining. And, I love him...don't barf.
b) as of now, he gives me LOTS of information regarding work, money coming in, deals he is making (some of which will be oversees and I would have no way of knowing of without his disclosure). While we are friendly, I not only get this info but I also will benefit if the deals happen prior to D or big falling out. I know this sounds crass and it just occurred to me today when he mentioned something about an upcoming deal.
c) In my heart of hearts, I think I need counseling to deal with the repercussions of shutting off H. Despite the fact that he is the WAS, he is so erratic and completely oblivious to the reality of what is coming with a legitimate separation (which I am trying to enforce) and I do have fear regarding how he will respond when the sh*t hits the fan. I am way too reactive emotionally to his perception and/or characterization of what is happening. I am also very concerned about my kids' emotional well being and them not being used in any way here. All I can say is that I am trying to get assistance and I doubt very much that we should proceed with anything legally until we have someone helping to deal with the emotional issues as clearly neither of us are emotionally detached. If H is actually a clinical narcissist, then, from what I've read, I will need to get the upper hand and work his behavior to my advantage or he will run me over and charm the pants off of everyone else while he's doing it (lawyers, judges etc)...I have seen him put on the oh so together and conscientious dad routine when we dealt with a third party and I almost vomited (was like a different person).
Anyway, today required a lot of strength and I think most days will for a long time to come.
