What a weekend...

[AlexEN]

So, to explain my reference to "buttering up" in the last post...

Fridays events included “Scene 6” above…

Scene 6: W gives each child a handwritten "journal" with stories of them as babies and how their names were chosen and the other names we were considering for each of them. It has inspirational messages to them. It’s a beautiful gesture, but why this day of all days? S14 sees right through it and after reading 2 pages throws it to the floor and tells W that it's nothing but an "attempt to make her feel better about her selfish choice". He's relentless, but in a very ugly way.

So, my reference to “buttering up” (admittedly not the best choice of words) was in reference to these “journals” and her passages to the kids saying this had been a long time coming and adult-problems that had been brewing for many years and how she had “tried” and we just couldn’t connect anymore. Yes, she is entitled to those feelings, but some background is in order…

A few weeks back, I had sent her the following e-mail, trying to explain why these types of references felt dishonest to me…

I’ve been reading about in a book called “The Truth about Children and Divorce”, by Robert Emery. I haven’t thought about it long enough to know whether or not I agree with his approach, but some of the passages struck home concerning one of the issues I think about… As a gentle reminder, despite what you may believe, I don’t blame your infidelity (nor have I ever) for where we are, but it is part of the story. Emery talks about this topic in a section about what to say to children when affairs have taken place…

“Affairs are often the immediate precipitants of a separation and the kindling of an angry divorce… even when … you and your ex disagree about whether the affair was the whole problem (which I don’t say) or merely a symptom of a longstanding problem in your marriage…”

“If you are in the (betrayed spouse’s) shoes, you may be understandably unwilling to tell the children the reason … is that ‘Mom and Dad are not happy being married.’ One problem with this explanation is that it seems dishonest – unless you take the whole history of the marriage into account, and that’s far beyond what (the children) need to know, want to know, or could possibly understand…”

This passage captures how I feel. That type of explanation feels “dishonest” and rings hollow… Emery goes on to suggest that the “walk-away” spouse divulge the affair (in an age-appropriate way) to the children because it is a “part of the story” whether or not both spouses agree on its significance.

“What can parents agree to say that is honest, acceptable to both of them, and does not go into inappropriate detail?... The admission… is not likely to solve a lot of problems… but… it can be a small step in the right direction…”

Maybe we can talk about this with our ICs when we meet as a group. The book also says…

“A parent’s admission of about (her) affair is likely to be extremely difficult, and the children may well become upset and angry with that parent… So why tell the children? Honesty… This is a chance to be honest – with the children, with your former partner, with yourself. Why else? Reality… Any other reasons? Respect… If you do not want to divorce your children as well as your spouse, you will need a plan to rebuild your relationship with them…”

We subsequently met with our ICs together in an attempt to “script” what to tell the children and talked about this very topic. We agreed not to talk about a history of adult problems and references to her having tried because it felt dishonest to me and BECAUSE this should be about assuring them that it isn't their fault and that we love them and that we will be there for them, but separately; yet, here she was doing exactly what we had agreed NOT to do in the context of telling the children.

So, yes, I was rather taken aback by the journals which contained the very thoughts from which we had agreed to steer clear of with both of our respective ICs present.