I have been away from the forum for a bit now, there's just been so much going on beyond the scope of my M. Although, I have not seen my W, she does contact me through text messages. I am still not sure why I respond nor why I let it get to the point to where our 11 years has been dissolved down to text messages every 3 weeks or so. I have been thinking a lot about how you see signs of things to come and for whatever reason you don't garner the preparation needed to sustain you. Last week, my employer laid off 50 people and it came from out of know where, even though me and my fellow employees had talked about where we thought things were going after being sold to another company 2 years ago. I just felt so bad for all the people who were let go. I knew all of them and it kind of set me on a guilt trip because I was spared. I had a similar correlation with my M; the guilt trip. I'm the one who asked for the separation. I even went to see a lawyer about a legal separation, but ended up presenting my W with the dissolution of or M. It just seems like I was the catalyst or I helped her cause even though I knew something was going to happen in spite of me trying many things to prepare for the worst even though I hoped for the best. I had seen signs for some years, maybe 2-3 and I tried and tried, but ultimately as I have learned, this is just a battle my W has to deal with. My perception of our relationship has always been in a good light, I would have never thought we would be separated for a year even though there were flags.
Lately, I have bumped into a lot of people with whom only my W has access to. And for the life of me, if I'm nor over thinking, it seems as though they try to evade me. It's as if they don't want to be bothered by me. I went out this holiday weekend to a club with some friends and I seen all of my W best friend there but she was absent. They just walked past me as if I didn't exist and that has occurred with her family as well for the most part. It is not a good feeling. It actually made me think of all sorts of things as to why they acted the way they did. At this point, I am not sure what to do. I still have my mind and my heart on both sided of the fence. I still have some hope for some reason and I still have a lot of doubt. I will say that the more time goes on the more it just doesn't make sense, at least from my end from what I see. What is it that could not have be fixed? We did not have a horrible relationship, it's that simple. When I was in college, in a psych class I think, we were on this particular chapter that talked about how it was impossible for two people to love each other exactly the same. That just seemed so unnatural to me at the time because I had a young mind, but now as I look at my life and times it carries a lot of weight.
