I'd like to consider myself a drug; a strong drug, for the sake of reference, and my W just quit me cold turkey. Maybe lately she has just been having some slight withdraw symptoms. In any case, for me in the grand scheme of things the way our lives are unfolding it has become quite clear that she may not have been a W to me for a while or at different times in our M. I can also say w/out pause that my mind would not be entertaining that thought if there was SOMETHING. It will be a year in a minute and there's just nothing there, other than me waiting in vain. At this point, there is nothing in the world that would help me understand what is and has transpired other than some divine intervention from GOD. I just don't have an answer on my end why this M is where it's at and that's very troubling. I don't know who my W is anymore and it hurts. How do you fix something when can can't diagnose the problem. For the life of me, I just don't understand, only she can make me understand and I know in my heart she will never come full circle whether this story ends good or bad.
Punkt, I returned the gesture and reached out and got no response. She is not genuine in her efforts. I followed through under duress because a day before I asked, a co-worker came to me and said, "What's up with you and your wife", so I asked what he meant and he said that the fellas were talking about it and they knew and heard that my M was in trouble and that me and my W were not together. I was so shook, because I have not told anyone outside my circle. I felt so humiliated and embarrassed it's not funny. I'm really starting to look like a fool in denial. She is apparently talking to people about our M, but not talking to the person she's M to; Me. On returning the gesture, I wanted to talk to her directly, but she did not answer her phone; the usual, so I asked her out through her voicemail. And as I said, I got no response from that although she did call to tell me a day after that she gave someone my business card. I could barely hear her so I asked if she could go someplace quiet and she told me that she was out celebrating her girlfriends' b-day (the friend from hell). I received a txt on my b-day. This particular friend has not put a gun to my W's head, but she has been a huge problem/influence in my M and to my W. Off topic, but she left her husband a week after my W left me; go figure. Word from my W and neighbors is that she caught her husband having an affair. Within a month, they were back together and working it out. Then to add insult to injury, the person she gave my business card to called and on the voicemail he said your WIFE gave me you business card etc; I guess she's my W when its convenient.
It's all getting worse; I'm starting to get a plethora of calls from people/family members telling me they have seen her in a car with someone, and it's apparently someone she grew up with in her childhood neighborhood. As of now, it's all hearsay, but I'm hearing more of it outside of work and at work. Just the other day, another co-worker txt me offering his condolence, he said he heard about the separation. I have to do something for my heart and mind; either move on and or confront the situation head on. Can it really honestly get any worse? No Control, that instantaneous no control is fast and unforgiving at times whether good or bad. Like losing control of your car on black ice or being in a zone in a particular sport you play. But that long lasting enduring no control is heart wrenching. My M and my W are spiraling away and life as I knew it will soon be lost. I can feel it and there is nothing I can do.
I woke up today just thinking, maybe having a pitty party but I still cry a lot and often I'll get sick at my stomach because I know I dont deserve what is happening. Feels like its happening to the wrong marriage and person. I have found that it is so true how things dont affect you until it hits home. I had always heard of the divorce rates and all that stuff but I never invisioned being a part of that world. Yesterday I posted that I did not understand what was happening and realized that that comment was sort of naieve. I would like to think I am a realist and I know things are not perfect and with that said I am aware of some of the problems that are dwelling in the M. I would love a chance to make them better, but thats just it; I was constanly being "plastic man". I just was not 50/50 nor in the ball park of that. The day my W left she said we both tried at different times and I told her I always try and I have never stopped trying at making this better we will be learning eachother for the rest of our lives. That is what this is all about a journey of love; learning each other, making mistakes learning and growing. Right?
As soon as I started reading DR, there was this little section that talked about if your marriage did not have these certain traits that the outcome could be positive. So thats what I have been holding on to. Hope. I cherish my W like thoughts of heaven and I know that it will hit her and she will realize what she is letting die. I just hope it wont be to late. I often get up and read "WELCOME TO LIMBO LAND" I guess it sort of keeps me aware and understanding, especially when I feel I am losing ground. Feels like everday.
Today was a good day. Everything happens for a reason, even for the situation I'm dealing with in my life and my M. When I found this website I had already exhausted a lot of resources. Like the list of things to do and not to do, I had already done a lot of the opposite. Sandi from what I remember enlisted those gifts in Song sitch. But when I went to the store to get DB, seems like a year ago, I found DR and just the other day I went back to the book store to just read up on some books that Puppy mentioned and found "Just Friends", and I swear someone must have ordered that and not picked it up because it was not in that section. Everything happens for a reason, so I purchased it. I plan on diggin into that as well to get a better understanding of this friend thing.
I remember when we went to MC and was told by the C that it was alright to have friends of the opposite sex and I disagreed strongly then and feel the same way now. I even told the C that we could go outside right that minute and take a poll to see what the outcome would be. It's just such a gray area, and through the course of my M, I can attest to the problems it caused. I use to battle w/ what that C said b/c I figured she knew better than my W and I; this was her profession. Well, years later I started giving breath to some of the things she said about friends outside of the M. I used to tell myself, "She must have been right, b/c if I don't make friends, my W will be the only woman I can be a friend to". Then I would couple that with "Life would be unfair if I was never able to talk to another woman". I had no ill intentions with those thoughts I have been completely faithful since our inception and have remained faithful throughout our separation, but the thought of not being able to have friends of the opposite sex did seem unnatural. I think my father's illness has kind of been a buffer for my problems; I definitely have not been able to concentrate on them as much. I may have been a little vulnerable at those times I had those thoughts; possibly for not really getting over my Ws' EA possible PA or b/c she refused to go back. Pressure = Guilt.
I know you guys may frown on me, but I plan on going out with friends April 3 for 1st Friday. I have not been out with friends since July of last year. I also see that I announce our separation time frame w/out an exactness and I had to ask myself why I do it. I think it's just a saving grace b/c I dont want to remind myself of all the months that have passed. I just want to get myself selfrespect back and be respected. I know I'm getting stronger now and or maybe less afraid of being w/out her. I have also noticed from a latest encounter that she is not ready to R or talk about the M in a genuine manner. Just so many emotions. Ready for tomorrow
I am a mess today, just one of those days I guess. Feels like I'm just sitting back watching the paint dry and when it dries it will be a different picture than the one I imagined for me and my W. Lately, I have been waking up thinking I need to call her and get some resolution, it's been about 10 months. I have not spoken to her in over a month now. That was the 13th of last month where I tried to return the gesture of asking her out to the movies and never got a response. I will never leave a voice message again b/c I keep rationalizing if she got the message or not. I should have spoken directly to her. Like I have mentioned she is a tit for tat person and has been over the course of our M. I'm just not sure if she is waiting for me to make a move.
I went out on first Friday, back on April 3, as planned and I guess I had a decent time. It just felt really uncomfortable, mainly b/c I was concerned about possibly bumping into my W and seeing her out or out with someone. We live in a small city, so I know that it is bound to happen. That is the current word that keeps finding its way to my ears from family members. Someone claims to have seen her in a car with another man, so it spread like wild fire. Anyway, as that day wound down, I most certainly felt the pressures of wanting to allow myself to be vulnerable to the activities of the night. I'm God fearing, but he knows my heart, right? How much longer can or should I put my life on hold? I deserve to be happy to. That is where I am currently at. "You will never leave where you are until you decide where you want to be" Still reading "Welcome To Limbo Land" and hoping for a "Truce Trigger"; a real one. I swear driving home that night was the most miserable, seems like I have perfect vision of that night down to the last red light. It was like all I seen was couples on the way home. And here I am going home alone. Also, I got a little fed up at my workplace, the pressure just kinda got to me and I just came undone. I told my friends we were separated. I felt indifferent after I uttered those words but the pressure of denial finally won that day. I felt a great weight lift off of my shoulders just to feel uneasy about what I did on the days that followed.
9 months of separation. We all know what can occur in 9 months; at least that's what my brother keeps telling me. I still operate as if I am M and he constantly warns me that she has moved on and I should do the same. I am so tired of him telling me "It's whole one, it is over, you have to accept it" Is it that I just can't see it? I have spoken more to this forum than I have to my W of 11 years. My MC told me back in Nov 08, that he did not see a good outcome b/c we were not involved in any capacity and that has not changed to date. I have since learned different from DR and this forum. I still hope for something good and have put it into Gods' hands. It is clear now that her perception of our M is and was different from mine, but I know how we were and what we had. Her perception can be that far off. Upon talking to my brother one night about my W saying she gave up a long time ago, something hit me and it all made sense. A lot of things make sense. I can just remember all the times I thought I was crazy b/c I could not figure out what was going on. I think it was a case of the Jedi mind trick. I should be bruised up from all the walls I ran into. These were the times when I would ask for MC, but she just refused b/c I guess she know what she truly wanted. She was pushing me away and pulling herself away all at the same time.
Still living and still hoping. A really monumental thing occurred a week or so ago; breaks me down when I think about it. My father is still fighting for his life due to a stroke he had last year along with complications from diabetes. He is taking the highest dose of pain meds that they can give him. Due to the stroke, he does not talk a lot; I often struggle to get a yes or no from him at times. Well, a week ago, I get to the hospital to visit and a soon as I walk in the room he starts crying. I ask; dad why are you crying? And he says he's upset. I say dad I'm with you every day you have to talk to me. So I ask him again why is he upset, and he says he's just upset. I plead with him to talk to me so I can know what's going on and he finally says, "I'm upset that you and your W (wife's name) are not together". That just blew me away, with what he is going through and dealing with to be concerned about me and my M. He was still being dad. I remember when I was younger he would say "Once you have kids you will see, you never stop being a parent". He's just amazing. I told him he should not be worrying about that and that it would be alright.
Well calls from my W are now going past the month mark. I finally talked to her on the 27th of last month; almost 2 months since our last conversation. As usual, we talked of nothing, just small talk and catching up on whatever. Whatever. At one point in the conversation, she asks how my dad is and if he says anything about her and I relayed the story above and she gave nothing. It amazes me how empty she can be, not in a million years would I have imagined us being in this space. Other than that, I guess we had a normal conversation. I just stayed upbeat like I had no care in the world and after an hour I navigated to a goodbye before she could. And to my surprise she did not look for conflict or ammo; so I thought. A few minutes after the conversation, I get a txt from her referring to some mail of hers that came to the house that I forwarded to her. So in the txt she says "Oh I got the mail...Kinda silly you think" When I sent the mail to her, I knew she would take that the wrong way and I was correct. I replied that I found nothing silly about making sure she got her mail and sending it to her works best for me. She replied OK.
Lyfe, sorry I've been gone a bit, but looking at your posts, I just wanted to mention a couple of things.
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I'd like to consider myself a drug; a strong drug, for the sake of reference, and my W just quit me cold turkey. Maybe lately she has just been having some slight withdraw symptoms. In any case, for me in the grand scheme of things the way our lives are unfolding it has become quite clear that she may not have been a W to me for a while or at different times in our M.
That's one of the best descriptions of how it feels to be the LBS of an MLCer that i've read.
FWIW, I hate to say this, but that's the same conclusion that I came to about 6 months before my ex filed for D, about the same time that I finally decided that her aggressively disrespectful demeanor was something different than the problems I had been wishing away. (In my state, the court requires 6 months of marriage counseling b4 the divorce can go through,) and that's STRANGELY about when she agreed to go to marriage counseling.
I'm totally not suggesting it's over, but if that's your perspective, it's time to take this pretty seriously as far as DBing techniques go.
In that vein, GAL / 180 are things that mean something different during the crux of the crisis and a year or two later.
I think that it is HARD to understand the true meaning of GAL while that is going on, but it get's really clear if you find yourself in my situation after she leaves.
It does NOT mean GAL closer to what you perceive that she wants.
It DOES mean, GAL apart from her. GAL that doesn't include her or "save room for," her. GAL means finding yourself in the ABSENCE OF HER. Who were you before? Or more closely!, who were you on the way to becoming, before your R with her sidetracked many of those aspects of yourself?!
I could go on for paragraphs about this b/c I have the hindsight, (yayh, I think...) but it's mostly individually oriented. I'm on facebook at my name at gmail.
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Punkt, I returned the gesture and reached out and got no response.
No worries my man, that's to be expected. Remember that when YOU make a gesture, it's from a place that you are currently in, and that place is the same over several months. The place that the MLCer is in when they make a gesture is a place they are only in for a day or so. They aren't, (and shouldn't be expected to be,) in the same place from day to day, and we shouldn't expect any sort of consistency. That's hard, sane people expect consistency from other sane people, but.....
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a co-worker came to me and said, "What's up with you and your wife", so I asked what he meant and he said that the fellas were talking about it and they knew and heard that my M was in trouble and that me and my W were not together. I was so shook, because I have not told anyone outside my circle.
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I felt so humiliated and embarrassed it's not funny. I'm really starting to look like a fool in denial.
She is apparently talking to people about our M, but not talking to the person she's M to; Me.
STOP THAT CRAP RIGHT NOW. You're not the fool. There might be a fool involved in this situation, but it ain't you!
Sure, I felt like that too. Everyone here who's put forth the DBing efforts, and had the spouse leave anyway felt that way.
As the LBS works through the wreckage and rebuilds their life, we scrounge out the bricks of truth from the debris, and the truth is that while we each had a part in the marriage ending, we didn't pull the pin. We didn't call the shots, didn't call end-game. The fool did
You had a hand in what is going on with your marriage, but you aren't driving the bus over the cliff right now, so STOP.
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I am a mess today, just one of those days I guess. Feels like I'm just sitting back watching the paint dry and when it dries it will be a different picture than the one I imagined for me and my W.
There's a saying about intelligence being the ability to learn from other peoples experiences. FWIW, if I could give you only one piece of advice, it would be to develop a stronger presence here on the DBing boards. Seek out those "newer than yourself," and help them get through the situations that you've already gone through. Read other's posts for that, and to ID some of the more experienced posters like Jack_three_beans, Amy_C, MMF, as well as others, and seek out their input.
Like I said, FWIW, your thread isn't getting the attention it ought to, and the advice above will cause that to happen. That will bring you some really great guidance.
Nobody here can promise to save your M, esp. if she's decided it's over already, but they can certainly tell you what not to do, what MIGHT work, and how to survive this uncertain period in your climb to success.
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Lately, I have been waking up thinking I need to call her and get some resolution, it's been about 10 months.
Just me, but until you mean "end," by resolution, I wouldn't do that. If you're at the point where "should I stay or should I go?" then yeah, you need some resolution. If you mean "what the F#&$ are you thinking right now?" by resolution, then no, don't call her. That's pressure. Give her space.
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I went out on first Friday, back on April 3, as planned and I guess I had a decent time. It just felt really uncomfortable, mainly b/c I was concerned about possibly bumping into my W and seeing her out or out with someone. We live in a small city, so I know that it is bound to happen.
I understand the above to mean that you went out with friends, not a date. In that context, HELL YEAH brother, that's a good step towards GAL. Sure, maybe going out drinking with a bunch of guys is not where you want to be headed AFA GAL is concerned, but doing ANYTHING social is a BIG step forward. OK, "drinking with the boys," isn't part of your GAL vision. Don't make it part of your goals. Make it an occasional step towards making friends / connections with people outside of your "couple" social circle. It's a baby step. Good Job.
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Upon talking to my brother one night about my W saying she gave up a long time ago, something hit me and it all made sense. A lot of things make sense. I can just remember all the times I thought I was crazy b/c I could not figure out what was going on. I think it was a case of the Jedi mind trick. I should be bruised up from all the walls I ran into.
OK, yes, this is what MLC feels like from the outside. You're not crazy.
It's not "evil," but it's what happens to us.
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These were the times when I would ask for MC, but she just refused b/c I guess she know what she truly wanted. She was pushing me away and pulling herself away all at the same time.
I wasn't good at setting boundaries. If I could go back, the MC would be the first and show-ending one. Without that, they have the luxury of reeling you in and letting you out indefinitely. Sounds like things might have gone past that for you, but in any convo re: the two of you, I would actively seek out MC as a framework to dialogue constructively rather than fight over B.S.
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he finally says, "I'm upset that you and your W (wife's name) are not together". That just blew me away, with what he is going through and dealing with to be concerned about me and my M. He was still being dad.
Yep.
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she asks how my dad is and if he says anything about her and I relayed the story above and she gave nothing. It amazes me how empty she can be, not in a million years would I have imagined us being in this space.
That emptiness surprises us all. Just make sure that you learn from that, expect it, don't let that goad you into a self righteous argument, and take anything better than that as a gift.
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to my surprise she did not look for conflict or ammo; so I thought. A few minutes after the conversation, I get a txt from her referring to some mail of hers that came to the house that I forwarded to her. So in the txt she says "Oh I got the mail...Kinda silly you think" When I sent the mail to her, I knew she would take that the wrong way and I was correct. I replied that I found nothing silly about making sure she got her mail and sending it to her works best for me. She replied OK.
Back to the emptiness thing. The alien is empty when the situation could cause them guilt, and active when it doesn't.
Post more often, try to help the posters junior to you with what you've already gone through, seek out the senior poster's input, You'll get a LOT more help here.
Best,
Punkt.
These are my friends now!
But someday baby... You ain't worry my life anymore
Take away, take away what I don't need, save the good part please. Fade away, fade away.
Hey Punkt, you always encourage me it's good to hear well see your voice. I have actually read a lot of post and would like to offer my thoughts but I'm so lost at times myself I feel like I need to install a disclaimer before I enlist my analysis to someone's sitch. I just hurt a lot and I am running out of excuses to tell my heart. That is why I try to state exactly how I feel or felt when something occurs, being as descriptive as possible so if someone catches a post of mine then maybe they can relate or maybe garner some insight to their own sitch. It is better to give than to receive; that's Gods way so I will work on that.
I would also like to post more, but there has been nothing going on really with my M other than my emotional vertigo. I have also kept a journal in which I try to write as much as possible; minus a few years b/c I took it up to my business (out of sight out of mind) b/c my W did not believe in privacy unless it was her own. I get a call a month if that. It's a really weird place this limbo. Some days I have to wake up and remind myself that I am ALONE. Hell, I still sleep on the same side of the bed just to look over where my W used to be. You know, there was something that occurred before I changed the locks, but what took me so long is that I knew she would be back after I got a text from her last year on Thanksgiving Day saying that the day felt really bad and odd. My wife slept with the fan on, so possibly every day for the first 4 or 5 months I would close the bedroom door in hopes that when I returned from work she would be in bed. There were even times when I would be late for things including work b/c I would drive back home to make sure I had closed the bedroom door. Then once I returned home, before I set my keys down, I would run upstairs to see if I could hear the fan then I would open the door to see if she was there. She was never there. I guess looking back I'm seeing how you can get so caught up in habits and or be an emotional wreck. I could have just seen her car or not seen her car when I got home and knew, but I was not looking for her car; I was looking for her. Seems crazy looking back at that but I married her for life and I am genuinely into her for her. I also still read her text messages. It is so mind blowing how the first part of the month that she left I was reading my marital acquired nickname, gestures of affection you name it, just to all be aborted within a 2 week span. I realize the prevailing issues were longer than 2 weeks that lead up to the separation, but just seeing that drastic change is so unbelievable.
I know I cannot fix this alone so have long asked God to fix it. I have no control over this situation or her, but I do have control over me. And with that said, today I feel like I need to move on with my life. My W has been texting me for a few days and I'm thinking OK something is happening. She is asking about my father, wondering what I'm up to as well as how I've been. Being upbeat I give myself a compliment in a return text to her and she replies that "You are still cocky is it still -her- or somebody else" I did not respond after that b/c that really got to me b/c it has been 10 months and she is still relentless at whatever it is she is trying to convince herself of. I am at a point where I'm so tired of letting her ride with some of the BS she is saying. It's just not right. I have done the just and noble thing in Gods eyes. I have been completely faithful throughout this M and every other separation that has occurred. She has left so many times; I honestly think she has some real issues beyond the scope of the M. So here I am doing my best to GAL, staying patient, ignoring my needs, lonely as all hell and still missing her just to keep giving her opportunities to belittle me and continue her journey to find herself all at my cost. I think I'm getting tired of being sick and tired. I have not pressed any issues since Oct/Nov of last year, but if this is where she is still at after 10 months w/o me on her own what do I have to look forward to? Why doesn't she come get all of her things? Why doesn't she give me the dissolution papers back? I deserve to be happy to. I am just tired. My next GAL like you said Punkt "save room for her", but I think I need to completely detach and just not deal with her. I have done the back/forth thing before and I promised myself I would never in life do it again. Here I stand
Well I guess I took a step back. I was going to try and just detach and not have any line of communication with my W but I found myself behind her car on the way home from a doctor's appointment yesterday. I was behind her long enough that I thought she was going to the house, so I was not actually following her, I was just going home. Well once we got to our street, she kept straight and I never blew the horn or called on my cell or nothing. So once I got home, I asked myself is this really what 11 years with someone has come to? I guess in the moment, I felt like I knew she seen me behind her and it just bugged me all day that neither of us made a step. That is a bad trait of mine I'll analyze something to death. I finally sent her a txt somewhere around 12am just joking that I was behind her it's a small city etc. She of course never responded. I just started convincing myself that maybe it was not her or that maybe she did not see me. From the doctor's appointment I am talking about, I found out I need to have surgery and for the life of me why I don't know but I keep listing my W as my emergency contact. She is not here and she definitely won't be there with me or for me. I have just built my life around her to where it feels like I have lost some of my identity now that we are in this sitch. It so scary having to question every move you make wondering if it's going to be a plus or a minus. I just prayed about it and I have a better PMA today. One day at a time.
I think deep in my heart I don't want a D, nor does my W. Maybe that's why she has not come to get her stuff or done anything with the paperwork. Which might I add was not my intention. My MC thought I needed to do something to get her attention since this was my Ws' way of dealing with issues; leaving. Now 10-11 months after I don't really recall an issue. Just so happens that the lawyer he referred me to I guess talked me past a legal separation to a dissolution based on how bad the course of a D would go from a financial standpoint. Our last separation lasted maybe close to 2 months and we were reconciling by the 2-3 week. There was a major issue at that time. I do remember that one. This time is drastically different, we've barely talked or anything. I have not even touched her in close to a year, no hug; no kiss no physical contact at all on any level. I'm hurt and sad about that b/c if my W came home now she would offer me nothing. She would not explain herself no further than that she needed some time. I would get nothing else and that bothers me and I know that if it occurred would make it extremely difficult for me to move forward. She has told me in the past that she did not have to try at the M. Her coming back or staying was her trying.
I gave in, just a little. My W text me on the 4th and I have just been having a hard time dealing with her not actually calling. I'm sure she talks to other people whether it is family, friends or whomever but lately she just sends me text messages. This I feel, should have been a boundary I set early on. She should at least have the decency to call, she has at times but for the most part she sends text. These text are still about nothing just small talk. I am theoretically legally still her H and she contacts me through text messages. We have a decade on the books, and that is our line of communication? I have done all the GALing I can do. I have done all the no conflict I can do. I am not saying that as an END GAME to my M or my efforts but I have come to a point where I am more able to accept this season in my life b/c I feel that whatever follows I will be okay. I feel more comfortable b/c I realize that although I share a part in our sitch that ultimately this is a personal battle for her that she will have to live with for better or worse; no pun intended. It has slowed me down at times but I keep moving and my PMA is in a good place. The only thing I have not seen through completely is to completely detach like I did in the beginning. I did not respond to her at all for like a month at one point. It has been put forth that I should not ignore b/c of how she may convince herself/perceive so I have responded only when she reaches out and I have given her the space she so desired to FIND HERSELF. I have to do this please bare w/ me, this is word for word.
June 4th W: how is your father doing? Me: Ok, he is still fighting for his life W: How are you kiddo? Me: Other than being hungry and sleep deprived, I'm good W: I'm sorry. Hopefully u can get something to eat and get some rest W: Have you watched any of the games? Me: Not really. I may try to catch some now since it's the final two teams W: I'm ugly now (she just had something surgically removed from her face. I guess there is a scar now) Me: Well you and I both know you will never be ugly; at least not visually Me: How has your father been doing? (he has been very sick over the past 2-3 years) W: Sick. Doctors got his sugar under control W: Thanks…still seems a little silly…but thanks none the less (I mailed some of her mail again to her father's house where she resides) Me: There r a lot of things that r silly. U need a list; I got one. Open ur eyes I'm never partly cloudy (I guess I gave her some ammo) W: LOl. You're never partly cloudy!! Personally, I don't think you should use the word NEVER. Take a minute to reflect. Smart mouths don't get very far. All I was trying to say is... If u were to call me to get my mail, I would come and get it. The last few times we've talked things have been cool... don't jack it up because you want to get smart or be cocky as usual. Cocky is what got you in trouble in the first place.
How is this cool in her eyes that we have sat down and talked 3-4 times in 11 months? We don't shake hands, hug or sit close to each other. There is NOTHING. I wanted to respond to that so bad but I probably would have said something really negative which is actually not me so I just let it go. I can offer a full serving when I want though. I think that's what she needs. I'm still being Mr. Nice guy with years of my life hanging in the balance. It would have been bad b/c I just can't deal w/ her demeanor and arrogance any longer with what she is doing to our lives. What the hell is she talking about any way? I know her and I don't have a clue. I'm sure her mind is not that far gone that she would dissolve 11 years b/c I was cocky. I don't know where that has come from either but she has repeated that a few times in the past 2 months. Where is this going? Where has she gone?
I have been away from the forum for a bit now, there's just been so much going on beyond the scope of my M. Although, I have not seen my W, she does contact me through text messages. I am still not sure why I respond nor why I let it get to the point to where our 11 years has been dissolved down to text messages every 3 weeks or so. I have been thinking a lot about how you see signs of things to come and for whatever reason you don't garner the preparation needed to sustain you. Last week, my employer laid off 50 people and it came from out of know where, even though me and my fellow employees had talked about where we thought things were going after being sold to another company 2 years ago. I just felt so bad for all the people who were let go. I knew all of them and it kind of set me on a guilt trip because I was spared. I had a similar correlation with my M; the guilt trip. I'm the one who asked for the separation. I even went to see a lawyer about a legal separation, but ended up presenting my W with the dissolution of or M. It just seems like I was the catalyst or I helped her cause even though I knew something was going to happen in spite of me trying many things to prepare for the worst even though I hoped for the best. I had seen signs for some years, maybe 2-3 and I tried and tried, but ultimately as I have learned, this is just a battle my W has to deal with. My perception of our relationship has always been in a good light, I would have never thought we would be separated for a year even though there were flags.
Lately, I have bumped into a lot of people with whom only my W has access to. And for the life of me, if I'm nor over thinking, it seems as though they try to evade me. It's as if they don't want to be bothered by me. I went out this holiday weekend to a club with some friends and I seen all of my W best friend there but she was absent. They just walked past me as if I didn't exist and that has occurred with her family as well for the most part. It is not a good feeling. It actually made me think of all sorts of things as to why they acted the way they did. At this point, I am not sure what to do. I still have my mind and my heart on both sided of the fence. I still have some hope for some reason and I still have a lot of doubt. I will say that the more time goes on the more it just doesn't make sense, at least from my end from what I see. What is it that could not have be fixed? We did not have a horrible relationship, it's that simple. When I was in college, in a psych class I think, we were on this particular chapter that talked about how it was impossible for two people to love each other exactly the same. That just seemed so unnatural to me at the time because I had a young mind, but now as I look at my life and times it carries a lot of weight.
