Finally trying to move on without H

[Gardener]

so i got one thing done today so far,
i packed up an item and had it shipped off!
one goal achieved!

Hey! Good!

hoping i wont break down this time

You meant, "Determined not to break down just this one time," didn't you?

Go, Beep!

[dmkdmkdmk]

i can never get a straight answer from him abotu anything and i feel like im being tied to a string and jerked around.

You are! And I'm sure the further you get from the separation, the stronger you become as an individual again - you will have less tolerance for that kind of BS from him or any one. He definitely does not sound like a healthy partner himself.

Even though I do love my H (or who my H was) I feel like at this point I can still say "Good riddance! Why would I want to waste my time with a man who would dump his pregnant wife?" And even though I'm the LBS, I feel like my H has to again BECOME the person who would NOT do this, and earn back my confidence in him, before I would let him move back home.

[beepee]

ok, im finally back from all that packing!!!
thanks so much for your comments while i was away, you guys rock!

so heres what happened, i went into the studio with my family who were there to help me move (love them, grateful for their help, not a good idea to move with them tho, too much fighting) and i end up being ok to begin with until i noticed that there were really expensive things missing in the studio...
so i called the landlord and the pr*ck gets into a shouting match with me. i told him there were things missing and if he knew where they were and he was like, i took them, i came to the studio and saw the door wide open and the place was a screaming mess and it looked abandoned so i took whatever looked expensive. BS! first of all, i LOCKED the door when i left the first time around and secondly, of course the place is a mess! im in the process of moving so boxes of sh*t were everywhere! hes like ill give them back to you when you get everything out. so im thinking he's a total liar and took what was expensive to keep for himself for fear that i wouldnt pay him the 2 months rent that i owed him. it was sooo obvious!! and its obvious that he did that because he wouldnt give them back to me until i fully moved out and give him rent. what a liar!! saying i left the door opened and left the place a mess. and he had the audacity to say .." i dont know what kind of people you're dealing with, probably vandals and hoodlums" im like what!!!?? its my friends and family helping me out. what a jerk. and the crazy thing is, HE'S A CITY COUNCILLOR!!! im so not voting for him next time around. UGH!! well that was good to get off my chest.

so then i get into an argument with my older brother (the one i hardly speak to) about how much stuff i have and how theres no room in the house and to just throw everything away..all i want to do is just get everything out of the studio as quickly as possible and then think about everything when my mind is a bit more level. i didnt wanna argue, so i just broke down. i couldnt handle anymore arguments so i just shut up and let him say whatever he wanted while i cried. all of was just too much to take.

so the good thing is, we were able to move the majority of the stuff out, only one more trip to go..and (GASP) trying to find 1000 bucks to pay the landlord. dont know what to do about that. i also was able to put up about 5 craigslist posts of furniture that i want to sell. so i guess i got most of goals done today!!

so now im gonna do some more apartment searching on the net!

so no word from the H since that last email i posted up for you guys to read. he said he'd email tomorrow and address everything i said cause hes too "sad" to do it now. i dont want him to address everything, i just wanted that last closure sentence. but i dont need it anymore now. i just wanna move on with or without it.

i have to say, even tho im hit with crying spells often and still feel horribly anxious and nervous and totally heartbroken, i think i feel a bit better about the whole situation. not too much better..but just a little better which is a great thing. i still check my email often but not as often as before. i dont have horrible thoughts of hopelessness anymore. ive noticed that im looking forward to the future more now. i have more of a grasp on reality and on what i want my future to be and how i want to feel. before, as you all know, i was just a sad case. i still am, but im a little less of a sad case now!! ive gotten more done today than any other day since this whole thing happened and im dam proud of myself!!

also, ive started recently talking to this guy from my past. one of the most gorgeous guys i know. he's been flirting with me but i havent been able to flirt back no matter how gorgeous he is! still in love with my H but maybe talking to him will help me feel better about myself. obviously, he knew me when i was 100lbs less tho!! but still an ego boost to have him flirt with me in the way that he does

another thing ive done recently which im really proud of is finally getting in touch with lost friends whom ive neglected since my M. i miss them all so much, i miss going to lunches and dinners with friends, shopping, parties, just being social in general. long term goal, im going to get that back, everyone is right, this is the prime of my life!

[beepee]

dmk:

i CANNOT BELIEVE he left you while you were pregnant!!!
im sorry but that is just the most horrible thing!
your strength is inspiring, i dont think i would ever be able to handle that, a million kudos to you for handling it so well!! my heart goes out to you, that baby is going to have the most amazing and loving mother possible

[beepee]

hi karen:

thanks for the congrats!! i can say i successfully crossed off everything on my list for today!! woohoo!!

i dont have rewards tho, thats a good idea but i dont have any money to reward myself with! like..i couldnt go to a spa or anything or even get a manicure. any reward ideas for the cash poor??

[mnt_dreams]

cash-poor ideas:

try a local beauty school for a manicure or haircut
a pint of low fat ice cream, a spoon and a favorite dvd/movie
a walk at the park and enjoy watching the children play
local museum - some have a free admission day of the week/month

[beepee]

great ideas mnt_dreams!

im going to curl up to a girly movie today. confessions of a shopaholic!! my H used to hate watching girly movies with me but he always did to make me happy.. i miss that

and i like the museum idea too, i just checked out the MFA in boston and they have a free day coming up soon!

[mnt_dreams]

Perfect! Let us know how you like the 'Confessions' movie. It's on my need-to-watch list! (yes, it was nice to watch chick flicks with my H too, but look on the bright side, we don't have to get them to agree to watch the movie now - we can just do it!)

I bet the museums are awesome in Boston. Enjoy - great way to get out of the house, find some perspective and get your mind off of 'stuff'.

Take care!

[Gardener]

Beep,

Lotta little steps. Good for you.
Keep it up.

[beepee]

thanks for the motivation guys!!
will definitely let you know how the movie was, it looks really funny!

oh and today was the first day i truly ate food!
i had a granola bar for breakfast, nothing for lunch
and a home-made beef and broccoli dish! and loooads of water.
stomach feels weird because it hasnt been fed for so long but thatll change.

so here are my goals for tomorrow!:

1) get up and take a shower and curl my hair (just for something different! )

2) go to the studio to finish packing the rest of the stuff

3) work on putting some items up on ebay to sell to pay off overdue rent

4) do a load or 2 of laundry (this is priority!!)

5) call hospital to see if they've assigned me a therapist

6) start a journal!!

not sure what else, i think thatll take up the whole day for me!