Finally trying to move on without H

[beepee]

ok, im finally back from all that packing!!!
thanks so much for your comments while i was away, you guys rock!

so heres what happened, i went into the studio with my family who were there to help me move (love them, grateful for their help, not a good idea to move with them tho, too much fighting) and i end up being ok to begin with until i noticed that there were really expensive things missing in the studio...
so i called the landlord and the pr*ck gets into a shouting match with me. i told him there were things missing and if he knew where they were and he was like, i took them, i came to the studio and saw the door wide open and the place was a screaming mess and it looked abandoned so i took whatever looked expensive. BS! first of all, i LOCKED the door when i left the first time around and secondly, of course the place is a mess! im in the process of moving so boxes of sh*t were everywhere! hes like ill give them back to you when you get everything out. so im thinking he's a total liar and took what was expensive to keep for himself for fear that i wouldnt pay him the 2 months rent that i owed him. it was sooo obvious!! and its obvious that he did that because he wouldnt give them back to me until i fully moved out and give him rent. what a liar!! saying i left the door opened and left the place a mess. and he had the audacity to say .." i dont know what kind of people you're dealing with, probably vandals and hoodlums" im like what!!!?? its my friends and family helping me out. what a jerk. and the crazy thing is, HE'S A CITY COUNCILLOR!!! im so not voting for him next time around. UGH!! well that was good to get off my chest.

so then i get into an argument with my older brother (the one i hardly speak to) about how much stuff i have and how theres no room in the house and to just throw everything away..all i want to do is just get everything out of the studio as quickly as possible and then think about everything when my mind is a bit more level. i didnt wanna argue, so i just broke down. i couldnt handle anymore arguments so i just shut up and let him say whatever he wanted while i cried. all of was just too much to take.

so the good thing is, we were able to move the majority of the stuff out, only one more trip to go..and (GASP) trying to find 1000 bucks to pay the landlord. dont know what to do about that. i also was able to put up about 5 craigslist posts of furniture that i want to sell. so i guess i got most of goals done today!!

so now im gonna do some more apartment searching on the net!

so no word from the H since that last email i posted up for you guys to read. he said he'd email tomorrow and address everything i said cause hes too "sad" to do it now. i dont want him to address everything, i just wanted that last closure sentence. but i dont need it anymore now. i just wanna move on with or without it.

i have to say, even tho im hit with crying spells often and still feel horribly anxious and nervous and totally heartbroken, i think i feel a bit better about the whole situation. not too much better..but just a little better which is a great thing. i still check my email often but not as often as before. i dont have horrible thoughts of hopelessness anymore. ive noticed that im looking forward to the future more now. i have more of a grasp on reality and on what i want my future to be and how i want to feel. before, as you all know, i was just a sad case. i still am, but im a little less of a sad case now!! ive gotten more done today than any other day since this whole thing happened and im dam proud of myself!!

also, ive started recently talking to this guy from my past. one of the most gorgeous guys i know. he's been flirting with me but i havent been able to flirt back no matter how gorgeous he is! still in love with my H but maybe talking to him will help me feel better about myself. obviously, he knew me when i was 100lbs less tho!! but still an ego boost to have him flirt with me in the way that he does

another thing ive done recently which im really proud of is finally getting in touch with lost friends whom ive neglected since my M. i miss them all so much, i miss going to lunches and dinners with friends, shopping, parties, just being social in general. long term goal, im going to get that back, everyone is right, this is the prime of my life!