So it begins to bring my wife home

[JoshuaRobert]

Thank You MLC for the words of encouragement. somedays it feels like i'm getting nowhere with her, but in my heart and mind I know I am getting somewhere with me.

i do have a quick question for everyone. i told W i would be out of town tomorrow when she comes back, i'm reconsidering right now. someone talk me out of being here when she comes by, lol.

seriously.

[Gardener]

JR,

i do have a quick question for everyone. i told W i would be out of town tomorrow when she comes back, i'm reconsidering right now. someone talk me out of being here when she comes by, lol.seriously.

Nothing scientific to my approach. Depending on how much/little I've seen my wife (I'm LRTing), how well/poorly the last exchange went, do I have something I'd like to accomplish (for me) in an upcoming exchange, etc., I make my decision from those answers.

Though, sometimes I just gotta get outta Dodge because I just gotta, pardner.

With no explanation: I'm just not there or "I can't be there at that time."

[25yearsmlc]

JR,

for some reason only you know, (but you do know it) you need to NOT be there tomorrow. Why would you be there? To catch her doing something wrong? Lock the door so all she can access is the garage and be gone as promised. Don't forget, she might not come by if she doesn't expect you so she might not show... and it could be a double cross on both ends...(sort of)

SO Get out and stay out!
j-

[drew7]

by all means go out of town! AND plan something fun

Drew

[JoshuaRobert]

new circumstances.... let me have it.

texted W a little bit ago that i'm turning her cell phone off and she has til thursday to make other arrangements. i said she can call if she has any questions.

well she called. 1 minute later crying. long story short, she is coming over to have a serious talk in the morning. she wants to come home but is being a little wishy washy about it. i am putting my foot and laying out how it's going to be if she truly wants to come home. if that doesn't work for her, then her phones getting shut off and i really don't want any more contact between the two of us. this all is more then i can take.

this was by far the most productive talk we've had since she left. i know not to believe a word she says, and she said ALOT, but this gives me an opportunity to see if she will take action. or at least ten steps in the right direction.

pray for me, i'm going to need it shortly.

[25yearsmlc]

Josh,

SLOW DOWN BIG TIME!! Do Not Reconcile tomorrow. MAYBE MAYBE Agree to consider it or take the time to talk to someone about what it would mean and what it would take.

NOTHING IN YOUR W HAS CHANGED ENOUGH IN ONE MONTH FOR YOU TO FEEL REASSURED YET...am I missing something?
Your wife and marriage are unstable and have been awhile now.

Given the dynamics in the M, including yours, why not have each of you get a C or T and IF you reconcile, get a good, pro-M T or C. You can call and ask them if they're "solution based" or "faith based" and those are some of the code words that you want to see.

Otherwise you risk the chance that your T will tell either or both of you that "if you are not happy today...say goodbye. There are No kids, what's the problem?" And you will divorce AND have learned nothing. ((All pain and no gain))

So I guess my big question is are YOU seeing a c or t yet? If not, why not?

And my suggestion about a reconciliation -without dramatic insights on her end AND yours... is that it'll be fatal to the M if you don't handle this slowly. MANY couples rush back in out of fear of losing the other or being alone, and they fail again since they still have NOT acquired the tools needed for M success, And then they think they have "tried again" and "it still failed so it's OVER!" And they really end it then.

I'm concerned that this is the 2nd M for both of you and I'm not clear on your issues or the work you have done that makes you different today than before or with your 1st W. You said it ended b/c you "cheated and drank too much" and then sort of acted as if that was that. Those are big deal breakers Josh...what's different about you now?

How long have you known this 2nd w in total? You said the M was 2 years and she's now 21, AND that she was "married" before she met you...so how's that add up? I mean I believe you but it's odd. And I have to wonder why a guy meets someone right after she comes out of a bad R/M, and is so young-right out of high school? and marries her pretty fast. And then has an up and down R/M and doesn't fix it or get help.....until she leaves him....and NOW your "help" thus far is this board. IS that accurate?

But Josh, you need way more help than we can provide here and she surely does too. You need some serious tools for life and M.
No offense meant. I have been to some great T's so I am a believer in them. I make no moral judgement about you or your w here; but your wife is acting emotionally unstable and though she's obviously the "main" issue in that she left the house, she's just part of this. You have been coasting in a weird M for awhile by your own admission. Why?

And you have taken a long time before looking at yourself and the things that ended your last M...Or so it seems. You kind of swept by with the "Oh, I cheated for 3 months AND THEN decided I wanted to try, and I drank too much but then I stopped for the remainder of the M....(which I assume means you now drink again?? How's that working for you?)

In sum, take this very slowly. Own what you can and then set out normal 'minimums'. Such as, "you can't leave every time you get mad at me" and "this is a M of 2, not 3 or 78, so there will be NO OPs'"...period.
These are basics. "No drug abuse"--can't help but wonder if that is a factor in her erratic behavior, and "no criminal behavior, and really thinking things thru before blurting them out or acting on them..."
BTW, what is it that she specifically says is your problem? I get that she said you don't understand her blah blah blah...but what is it that you DO or SAY that bugs her and do you accept that as something to work on?

Also the passive aggressive sounds as if it went both ways and that's another reason for you getting some real C soon. I sure would. I would want to know why my 2 M's have had such short lived timespans and what I can do to lessen the risk of this pain again.

And please don't commit or agree to reconcile tomorrow. Wait to think things through NOT b/c you don't love her but b/c you want to do this right. It is Not 'half ass' time.

Being together is not always better than being alone, if you'll end up alone b/c you were together too soon. Make sense? Please also, call a C for you and HER as individuals and then -or simultanesouly- do the couple's work. She needs some serious tools no matter how much of a life you say she has lived. Living and learning are two different things sometimes....which is too bad.

good luck,
j-

[MrBond]

I agree with 25.

See, I don't have a problem with how you're getting her back. It's when she is that's going to be the problem. I mean, do you plan to treat her as an immature person as you had been while she was gone?

Sooner or later, you're going to have to confront what the real "adult" issues were. And getting a C is an excellent suggestion.

That's why some of the suggestions the others have offered are great at "attracting" her back. But what happens when it does? That's the bigger challenge and no amount of "attraction" is going to erase the deeper underlying issues.

Good luck.

[JoshuaRobert]

hi stuck,

tolerating and judging was my major flaws in this marriage. concerning my prior M, i drank up until the point i decided to try, which coincidently would have been my 25th bday. i went dry for almost 3 years and then drank socially. i've never cracked a beer or took a drink outside of a bar (seriously) and after my last R (the one inbetween being M'd) i did fall back into drinking heavily until about 2 months into the R with my current W. then i stopped again. it was for the best. there is no drug issue. we do NOT do drugs.

also, i am not going to ask her to come home tomorrow. i am going to lay out some ground work however, if she is still receptive, of a set time we can consider a full reconciliation (the start of one anyways). i am going to tell her if she is not ready to commit at this point after everything she said tonite, then i am not prepared to be there for her any longer. i'm sorry, but it's put up or shut up time for me. this is just getting to be too much for me.

i'm not going to type out everything she said in our 40 minute conversation tonite, but i did ask her flat out why she never came home when she said she wanted to. 15% truth (maybe) and 85% excuse to me. i let her know i'm done with this type of treatment from her and that i am not going to subject myself to it. she took it a little more serious then and opened up even more. honestly, after tonite, i'm either ready to move forward with her, or just move on with my life.

I believe in what i've done and learned already since she's left. i thought about it and read about it every spare minute i've had since she left, and i've had a lot of time to do this. my mindset is changed from a month ago, and every conversation i've had with her in the past week and a half, i've taken all the control back from her over me. i'm putting my foot down on this nonsense, and either she decides she's done having her little away fun, or she can continue doing it without me in her life. i'm not letting this go on any longer.

[JoshuaRobert]

and if she does come back in the near future, i'm going to need this board more then i did getting her back home. all the previous WAW's who post here will become my new best friends. i'm not done learning and changing by any means. but i'm not waiting to reconcile with my W AFTER I've learned everything there is to learn about being a great husband and having a great M. I'll cross every bridge as i get to it. right or wrong, that's what i'm doing.

[MrBond]

Well good for you!

Now just be sure that even when you do talk to her, that you show her some respect even though she may not have shown you any in this process.