OK I've read a few people post comments similar to this and yes my dumb ass male logic has to ask the question.
Is this really the case?
Do our chances of reconciliation really become smaller if we date other people while separated? Follow me here, aren't we db'ing & pursuing our spouses who have "walked away" from the marriage and aren't we all trying harder to improve ourselves with one of the goals being to "bust the divorce"?
What inspired all of this?
Our spouses left us, we apparently weren't good enough anymore, not enough perceived value.
So they leave us which communicates to us that they're better than us and they want something better for them because we have established to them with out past behaviors that we have less value. If we had greater or equal value, we wouldn't be here. But they're looking for something that based on their own internal logic can't be provided by their existing spouses.
So we pick ourselves up off the ground, we DB, we improve ourselves for ourselves first(some improve themselves just for their spouses, the changes don't last, the intentions weren't authentic/genuine), we become smarter, we become more confident, our self-love, self-value, self-respect grows by leaps & bounds. Our own internal logic kicks in after so much detachment, going dark, no contact, etc. that we're ok alone and maybe things aren't so bad without our spouse. The confidence kicks up another notch and says that not only aren't we not so bad, we're pretty damn good. We start feeling so good that we continue on the path and start rationalizing why shouldn't we be out there having fun. What is to be gained by spending time in this fashion waiting for the other spouse to regain their senses & return. That communicates lower value so we become confident enough to start dating. The other spouse finds out or starts wondering because the LBS has stopped fighting the separation/divorce, the find out that the LBS is contemplating dating & moving on, they get the message that the LBS has increased in value again, we're something worth having again, they want us back because someone else finds value in us.
OK, that's diarrhea of the mouth if I ever saw it.
The point i'm making is that after a while we know our value, we feel it, we believe it and we become confident enough to try again with someone new because the WAS discarded us. When we start doing this, the WAS gets the message, I threw away something valuable... what have I done?
SP, I think that's why your wife asked about you being on a date when she couldn't reach you. She rationalizes her behavior, she's allowed to do what she's doing (going out on hot dates), she feels better about herself at your expense. When you stop allowing that by moving on with your life, you stop her healing and throw a wrench into the entire process. How can he be moving on, I was the one who left him, he doesn't get to move on, he loves me, he should pine for me forever & suffer.
Dating/Don't Date, it's all up to you (that means all of you). I don't think it ruins the chances of reconciliation, if it did, the LBS's would pack up & walk away as soon as our WAS had affairs - there is something to this fact, it sparks competition & attraction, it has to, otherwise we wouldn't be here posting on a forum about things to do to get our spouses back.
