Running out of gas

[Jimbo]

I've been debating going over to the MLC boards. I have issues with her and the whole infidelity thing, too. honestly, it was a pretty big deal just to get myself to post here.

I'm glad you decided to post. The infidelity is a symptom, not the cause. Once you are able to educate yourself in MLC even more, I think you will be able to recognize that in your heart, as well as draw other inferences and conclusions that can help you "heal and deal". (or, at least, that is how it's working for me.)

She's not a big one for dealing with herself. Her typical response is to cut bait, move away and completely start over, which she hasn't done to this point. She threatens divorce but doesn't act on it. Looking back I can see the beginnings of the MLC, but she said absolutely nothing about it. That's another post.

My attitude about MLC - it's a lot like snow: each snowflake is unique in and of itself, but in the aggregate, it's all cold and white. Some commonalities exist despite the fact that every MLC is different. My W tends to "cut bait" easily also- she has actually initiated our D, moved 45 minutes down the road and 2 miles away from the OP, taken all of her possessions, moved into an apartment and bought new furniture....yet is still interested in what I am doing on Sundays, because I dodged this question every time she brought it up. She, like your W, also said nothing about anything wrong in the beginning.

I'm kinda all over the place today so pardon the disjointed ramblings. Her leaving forced all kinds of changes for me. When she left, she took away more than just us. My career ... is now more or less over, or at least on indefinite hold. I know she feels guilty about that and that guilt is much much bigger than just things with us. I'm not sure what to do with that either. Just entertaining myself while I sort it out for myself. My impending move has me all tweaked out today. Its not in stone yet, but ... grrrrr.

Not sure what you mean here by you not being sure what to do with her guilt, MW. What is there to do with it?

I was reading one of your earlier posts. I don't know if you said it or if someone said it to you, but the gist was "the MLCer wants to know that you are exactly where they left you." Why do you think that is?

My take on that is that, deep down, they still have feelings for us. Somewhere in the midst of all this twisted haze, they still have designs on coming back....sometime. (Like everything else) they don't know when, just not now. To give you an example, earlier on in all of this, I had suggested to my W that I might move to Hawaii if we ever got a D. While she didn't SAY anything to this remark, I could tell from my Ws reaction that that was NOT in her gameplan, and she did not like that prospect at all!

Another example- back when I was still spying on her, I noticed, even after many months of being on her own, that she had purchased some chairs online. Not very telling in and of itself, until I share with you that these chairs were of a very unique bow armed style that is very hard to describe and equally hard to find- and just happens to match the color and style of the hard to find furniture in our house. Could it be that she just really misses the style of furniture that she left behind in our home? Possibly, but she never seemed all that crazy about the style when we got it in the first place. I think she was trying to match "her" furniture to what we have at home, so that when she moves back- it will match.

I also think that "the MLCer wants to know that you are exactly where they left you" also has something to do with what they are going through. They feel they have no control over anything in their lives- including themselves. So they try to control the people around them in a futile bid to have some sort of control and order over their own lives.

For me, understanding this aspect of it helps me to have more compassion for what my W is going through, and actually makes it easier for me to continue to stand.