Magnificent

[mishka422]

Promise? I have stopped promising ANYTHING! I can't seem to keep promises anymore because everything is total chaos.

The upset over having no contact from my family comes more specifically because my cousin knew I was working last night and had said she would call me during the week to arrange something for the afternoon before I went to work. She never did and I didn't feel at that point that I should call her and ask what 'we' were doing. Just awkward feeling.

My BFF has been in Vegas the last 3 days with her boyfriend. She called me Friday night seriously tipsy (not quite drunk yet) and it just sounded like she was having so much fun. It made me wistful....she's there with her boyfriend of 7 years, having a great time, loving and laughing, and all I could think of was how wonderful that all sounded and how sad I am to not be able to have that again.

Don't bark at me now...I am just saying that it's something that I know I won't get to have. It's the lost dreams of fun, love, excitement. The last 18 months have been horrid and at the same time elightening. There are a lot of things I have discovered I had buried inside and was able to hide behind the facade of my M.

I was blessed to have the gift of a M and family. Those are things I really never thought I would have, jumped at the first chance I had, and never deserved. I will be eternally thankful for those memories. They will carry me through the rest of my years. Marcus is the greatest gift God could have bestowed on me. The unfortunate kid is stuck with me, but he's dealing with it pretty well.

I'm not being melodramatic so please no 2x4's. It's really hard looking at yourself and seeing an empty void where a life should be. Depression has packed 30 pounds back on of the 60 I had lost. I start a diet and exercise program every couple of days but the depression just sucks me back in again and I give up as useless and hopeless. One day up, 3 days down. It's really crazy but looking back on the last 15 years I realize that I was able to hide that behind being a wife and mother. Now there is no hiding from it because there is no support anymore. I'm it, just me, and that isn't enough. Not good. I'm lost as to what to do about any of this. I spent over an hour today working out hard only to end up with my blood sugar dropping like a stone and getting sick all afternoon. That probably didn't help my mental state either.

No more lamenting, no 'woe is me'. I know what I am, I know what I lack. I can't fix it, I can only find a way to live with it. How? No idea yet. Working on it.

That's it for today. Just journaling feelings here. Ran out of room in my written journal. Sorry you all had to see it pour out in front of you. Just know......SKIP IT FROM NOW ON.

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

So help me, if I ever get to Hotlanta I am going to smack you. EVERYONE deserves love and happiness in life and certainly, you deserved better than the hand the eemy and Gabe dealt you.

I would confront your family. The way they are acting is deplorable.

Time to confront the stuff behind the mask and move forward past it. Do not let your past define your future. I want you to do me a huge favor. Look into a program called CrossCurrents. I m sure that there is at least one church in town that is offering it. You need this for you--to let go, to heal from the past, to move on.

Love and the right man are out there and God can and will drop him in your lap, when you are ready for him. So, do the work.

I love you and hate to see you tear yourself down like this. you are a good person with a great heart that deserves to be cherished.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW

[dday101798]

Hey mish,

I hear ya on the 1 day up 3 days down. I also hear ya on the confusion of feelings in small comments from Gabe, see my thread for detail, but XW is doing the same and starting to throw out really odd comments.

I can say fromt hat tho, and a apology from XW for doing all that she has, I feel much better and went through the entire weekend and so far today feeling very good, thus the ratio at the moment is reversed 3 days up, 1 day down. Hang in there.

As far as the lack of communication from family, Id just openly address it, especially where your cousin is concerned.

[MsMelancoly]

Good that you are venting here, mishka. Don't beat yourself up too much, we all have bad days.

[mishka422]

This is the thread that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friends....yadda yadda yadda....

Good grief - 37 pages is a little extreme, isn't it?

I spent about 3 hours last night sobbing uncontrollably in my bed. NOT GOOD! My eyes are so swollen and red still that I look like I've been on a bender. Still sick to my stomach from the emotions. Good grief. Why is everything hitting me so hard all of a sudden. I thought I was doing a good job of putting on my happy face every day. Must have run out of energy to do that anymore.

As far as my family is concerned, I'm letting it go. I feel like an intruder in their lives and I have decided that the uncomfortable feeling isn't worth it for me. We've always been a very close family but as the matriarchs get ill and die we are drifting further and further apart. Everyone has too much on their plate to remain close to those outside their immediate nuclear family. I do believe that the last 18 months have driven a wedge between us that we'll never recover from. They listened to too much of my pain and it caused a chasm between us. Live and learn the hard way - do not share your pain with anyone in your RL or it will drive you apart.

I have to work this Tuesday night so I can't take Marc to karate. Normally I would ask Gabe to switch nights with me and I'd take him Wednesday, Gabe's usual night, but I'm just not feeling like contacting him at all this week. I'm afraid what kind of emotion any kind of contact with him might dredge up since I'm so raw. Marc will just have to miss a night of class this week.

[dday101798]

Well, I hope you pick yourself up soon. I'm not very good on words of encouragement.

[AliSuddenly]

Hi Mish, I'm so sorry you are feeling low again, although I guess the hormones add to the likelihood of crying (does with me anyway)... you need more help and/or, you need medication. You are not superwoman, but keep trying to be. I asked you a few weeks ago why dont you ask your Mum for more weekly allowance out of her budget. I know its meagre, but she is living in YOUR house, and you are in a desperate stage of life right now and need her help. If you got a bit more money from her, maybe you could drop a nights work and REST, or pay for AD's.

As for yuor family, I thikn you are overreacting.. things will change for you and then your R with them will improve. Ok, maybe they have too much going on in their own lives to have capacity for you.. yes, maybe they have found it hard that good ole cheerful Mish suddenly was depressed and needing something from them. But you can be very black and white (and yes, negative) in your thinking...

"my cousin knew I was working last night and had said she would call me during the week to arrange something for the afternoon before I went to work. She never did and I didn't feel at that point that I should call her and ask what 'we' were doing."
- so dont then, just call her after you got in from work JUST to say hi.. if she said, oh sorry I forgot you could say it would have been nice to do something, but you understand she has a lot going on?

"It made me wistful....she's there with her boyfriend of 7 years, having a great time, loving and laughing, and all I could think of was how wonderful that all sounded and how sad I am to not be able to have that again."
- Sou you are making a CHOICE. You repeatedly say "never again" yet if you are not happy with the thought of remaining single for the rest of your life you are going to HAVE to do something to change that at some point and stop letting fear rule you! (fear of getting hurt again)

"I was blessed to have the gift of a M and family. Those are things I really never thought I would have, jumped at the first chance I had, and never deserved."
- wow Mish, why should you not get M and have kids!??? Thats the easiest thing in the world to do! Its harder to get a dog in this country than have kids !!! And why did you not deserve it?? You need to let go of the 'old' view of yourself, that 17 year old kid that felt she was disgusting and didnt deserve love. That was 20 years ago Mish.

"The unfortunate kid is stuck with me, but he's dealing with it pretty well."
- thats not a good message to give your son, even if you dont actually tell him.. you are his MUM, he probably things you are the greatest human being on the planet.

"Depression has packed 30 pounds back on of the 60 I had lost. I start a diet and exercise program every couple of days but the depression just sucks me back in again and I give up as useless and hopeless. One day up, 3 days down."
- Then stop setting such high standards for yourself? You cant tackle everything all at once, you need to try and exercise JUST to stop feeling depressed.. it massively helped me and is the number 1 suggestion for beating it.

"I'm it, just me, and that isn't enough. Not good. I'm lost as to what to do about any of this."
- ASK FOR HELP. Tell people you are struggling. Tell Gabe you cant cope and need more help. Tell your Mum you need more money. Tell your church you need some respite at least (meals, time to care for Marc one night a week so you can go out?? Counselling even, whatever they have).

I spent over an hour today working out hard only to end up with my blood sugar dropping like a stone and getting sick all afternoon.
- So did you eat before? Eat after? Did you drink fluids throughout? I dont know why this would happen to you, but google it and make sure it doesnt happen again, you need to exercise to improve your mood, not make you feel worse!

Mishka, its down to you, only you can ask for help, its hard to keep reading that you are hurting so much and not be able to do anything to help you.

Hugs and love to you
Al xxx

[MichelleLT]

Well, I think Ali covered most of what I wanted to say!

You should eat right after you work out (eating before usually doesn't help, at least for me, if I work out hard it makes me nauseous). But have SOMETHING afterwords, high in protein too. A piece of cheese, a glass of milk, juice.

Your family is dealing with their own problems, and their withdrawal may have NOTHING to do with you or your problems or your attitude! Don't jump to conclusions.

Call your cousin!

And take it easy on yourself!

You deserve the world sweetie. You just have to tackle it one day at a time, or even one hour at a time.

And remember, just breathe.

[JCJ]

(((((((((((((mishka))))))))))))))))))

[One Day]

(((mishka)))

I wish I had something to say that would help you feel better. I think Ali and Michelle have given you some great advice and suggestions. Thinking of you,

L. xx