So basically I separated myself (finally) from Dan on 4th of July. I gave him a letter that morning when he came to see the kids. I felt it necessary after reading the "Boundaries in Marriage" book. It said to acknowledge the plank in your own eye first, then inform your spouse (lovingly not vengefully) of your boundaries, and then enforce/protect them.
So I told him that day that unless/until he could actively work on a reconciliation, starting with dealing with his own porn/infidelity issues, I was going to begin distancing myself and maintaining a 'co-parenting' vs. 'husband/wife' relationship.
This probably sounds like shutting the door after the horse left the barn or however you say it. But for me it was necessary. He told me back the last week of June, when we met to discuss D issues, "I can't promise that it won't happen again"...this was in terms of his infidelity. He said he didn't mean that he would cheat again, but he didn't know how to prevent the feelings of dissatisfaction with our M that eventually led to the cheating, if that makes sense...He also asked me then not to file for a D because he wanted to talk to our pastor but he didn't.
So anyway the letter basically owned up to my shortcomings in our R, then restated that I still wanted our M to work, then said that I could no longer do all the family/together stuff we had been doing, I needed to distance myself. I also said in the letter I would not bring up the subject of fixing our relationship again, if it was something he desired it would be on him to do so. And I included an overview of a workshop for men dealing with porn/infidelity issues. This was at the suggestion of the counselor I spoke with on Friday.
So Sunday he invited me to go w/him and his parents to eat with his grandparents. I said no. Instead I went golfing with my sister.
He brought the kids back around 6:15 and I was in replacing the fill valve on the toilet. He came in to see how I was doing and as I was cleaning up he tightened up a loose part that was causing a small leak.
I stayed in the house and he went outside with the kids while they rode their bikes. I came out to put something in the garbage and found that he was up on my roof cleaning out my gutters. I mean yes, they were clogged, I was planning to do it myself. But he was already on the roof doing it.
Then I went back inside and made the kids pizza. They came in and Nathan was talking about what kind of dog he wanted. Dan walked in in the middle of the convo and started talking about what kind of dog "we" would get once Nathan was finished with allergy shots (in 3 yrs).
I went outside then to watch Sydney play on the swingset and he came out to say he was leaving. He did mention he had read the letter and had some thoughts but didn't want to talk about it in front of the kids. Not my problem, if he wanted to talk he would find a time without the kids.
Today kids and I have been home all day. I have been cleaning our bedrooms, going through clothes for the yard sale, and mowing. I am supposed to go out with my parents for dinner at a steak house, they invited me. Dan marked today as "his" day on our July calendar, so he better come!
