Yeah, that's an awful lot of convo just to drop off some clothes.
But think about it. She likely IS going through a lot on her side. She threw that big to-do before she left and not much time has gone by yet. Of course this is all just worthless speculation.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Ever since the Batsh*t-Crazy-a-Thon the night before she moved out, I have been communicating with WAW only electronically.
When she has picked the children up, or come to say goodnight, I have slipped out into the backyard so that (a) WAW can have some "private time" with the kids and (b) the kids don't have running to me as an option if WAW says something they don't like (like, "brush your teeth").
And the third, if thinly hidden, reason for me to enjoy the great out-of-doors was self-preservation: knowing WAW, she'd almost certainly try to start a convo if I were available and, petulant baby that I am, I did not want to talk to WAW during that first week after the Batsh*t-Crazy-a-Thon. Enough's enough, right? You can only call me "piece of sh*t" so many times before I sort-of get fed up.
When WAW picked the kids up last week for their 4-day weekend with her, I happened not to be home. I had their bags all packed, their bikes loaded in the Urban Assault Vehicle [we agreed to share the UAV {AKA, mini-van} during extended custody periods because kids have so much trash to haul around], and so forth. So all WAW had to do was grab the keys and go.
But now -- in a few hours' time -- she knows there is a high probability that I will be at home. So -- MRA (Mind-Reading Alert) -- I suspect she's concerned about a possible "event" when she drops their things off. And, in her own way (again MRA), I think she's trying to "respect" what would seem to be my wish -- no verbal communication.
Thus, "crap, I have to act like a grown-up." I can't see how complicating the transfer of Kidstuff with "I can go in the garage if you stay in the kitchen"-type dancing does anyone -- WAW or me -- any good.
In re: @polly on custody -- right now we're looking at roughly 65/35 time; that will vary depending upon my overseas work travel, but should probably average out somewhere in the 65/35 to 60/40 range.
In the meantime, I have to live. And for me part of living -- viz, @antlers: "if it won't make you feel bad later on down the line for breaking your marriage vows" -- is enjoying a healthy sex life. I don't know if it will make me feel bad later on down the line. What I do know is that I feel like a person who is getting a divorce -- not like a person who happens to be in a one-sided marriage. Those are two discrete concepts for me -- maybe not for you, and if so I applaud that.
But for me sex is part of the normal range of normal human behaviors. It's not something "reserved" for marriage. It's what humans are programmed to do. And, in most cases, it's what humans like to do. I know I certainly like to do it, though that has been far more the case in my imagination than in my experience since the war.
And with respect to it being a good idea "later," viz @Gypsy, I have no doubt it will be a good idea later. But it also happens to be the case that it is a good opportunity now,
Didn't Mrs. SP express a similar mindset when she dropped the bomb on you?
What I mean about having something in common with her is that as she was making the run up to drop the bomb/leave, she was observing how her H was not there for her, not physical with her, checked out of her life in many ways...so, she went elsewhere. You now observe the same in her, and you're going elsewhere. Just pointing out a similarity I see. You also are a walk away. She just did it first.
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
Didn't Mrs. SP express a similar mindset when she dropped the bomb on you?
What I mean about having something in common with her is that as she was making the run up to drop the bomb/leave, she was observing how her H was not there for her, not physical with her, checked out of her life in many ways...so, she went elsewhere. You now observe the same in her, and you're going elsewhere. Just pointing out a similarity I see. You also are a walk away. She just did it first.
I am sorry I dont see that. In other words I disagree. I wonder how you can say that? He is a walk away? He is walking away from what? And, would he be still a walk away if 2 years later, he decided the same thing?
This walk away term used for LBSs is "pushing it a lot" and often it makes me wonder if I really am weird or something. In the context here, of this forum, WAs are people walking away from the M/R. To be a husband you need a wife. When they have removed themselves from your life, you are no longer a wife or a H to anyone.We like it or not, that's a fact.
The decision to stop standing doesnt have to do with religion or anything. Of course WHEN you do that (remove your self), it's your own personal choice. Sometimes, so much ahs happened, you just need to have a reason to hold on, they have to give you a reason to hold on.
You can say others are "standing" longer, you can also say that other WAs are not so definite about what they want and their LBS stay "easier"in limbo, you can say that the timeline is different for everyone, so is patience, pride etc. But I would never call someone like SP or others on this board a WAs. To me it's almost an insult, disrespectful... (not trying to be harsh dear Greek, dont know another word that I could use and I really feel strong about this one). K
I am so sorry if my post becomes regarded as disrespectful to SP. And I understand your points, Kalni, I do. Let me say it another way ~ SP is still married and stepping out on his W. Is he not? That is what Mrs. SP did, too.
In retrospect, I should have held that point to myself. You've helped me see that if might not have had the constructive element I then thought it would.
Cheers ~~~
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
Greek, no need to say you are sorry. I also understand what you were trying to point out, but the truth is, since I have been called a WAW by dear friends of mine here (btw, 2 years later I am still standing, ), that such a comment to me back then, it felt very unfair. That's why I said I feel strong about it. Maybe for SP it is helpful. Food for thought is always useful. K
And sorry, I missed your question, he is not stepping out on his wife IMO, he was left by hs wife and he MAY chose to step out of an empty shell that once was a marriage... It is sad.
Technically I am not still married. I am legally separated. It is a different status at law and in the eyes of society writ large.
I do not hold myself out to the community as a married man; Herself does not hold herself out to the community as a married woman -- indeed, she publicly and openly holds herself out, by her own admission, as a single woman.
We did in fact run into each other this a.m. during the kid exchange and she was dressed to the nines, with more cleavage on display than I'd ever seen. And when I said, "Wow. Must be a hot date today," she blushed redder than red and tossed her hair which, in the body language of Herself, always = Totally Busted.
She will talk about this date with all of her friends -- that is her way. She will talk it up beforehand and dissect it after. She has announced to all the world -- even to me -- her desperate, desperate desire for sex with a new man.
So I have no "wife" in the eyes of the public, and since I have no gods I have no marriage in the eyes of them, either.
The only "I'm still married" argument I could make would be one based purely on will -- I WILL consider myself married until I'm not.
But in every practical sense of the term, except for the rapping of the judge's gavel, I am not married. So I can hardly be "stepping out" on my wife. As there is no woman in the world at this time who claims that title.
Technically I am not still married. I am legally separated. It is a different status at law and in the eyes of society writ large.
I do not hold myself out to the community as a married man; Herself does not hold herself out to the community as a married woman -- indeed, she publicly and openly holds herself out, by her own admission, as a single woman.
We did in fact run into each other this a.m. during the kid exchange and she was dressed to the nines, with more cleavage on display than I'd ever seen. And when I said, "Wow. Must be a hot date today," she blushed redder than red and tossed her hair which, in the body language of Herself, always = Totally Busted.
She will talk about this date with all of her friends -- that is her way. She will talk it up beforehand and dissect it after. She has announced to all the world -- even to me -- her desperate, desperate desire for sex with a new man.
So I have no "wife" in the eyes of the public, and since I have no gods I have no marriage in the eyes of them, either.
The only "I'm still married" argument I could make would be one based purely on will -- I WILL consider myself married until I'm not.
But in every practical sense of the term, except for the rapping of the judge's gavel, I am not married. So I can hardly be "stepping out" on my wife. As there is no woman in the world at this time who claims that title.
SO are your declaring yourself done? Your plan, goals and actions will all be different. The possiblity to reconcile will become smaller. Nobody said this was a fair and equitable battle. Only you can decide when you have had enough. If I were you I would pray for wisdom and discernment. (had to sneek that in :)) Your kids are watching you. Be weary of making a long term decision based on a emotional near term want. Most people don't make great decisions when they are scared or greedy. This is your journey. If you need a mojo hand I got one you can borrow till you get yours back. You can handle it. DBing was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I used my POW training to help me, I told you that once before and I was serious. I would bend but not break was the mentality. Strength and Honor brother. Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Your plan, goals and actions will all be different.
Other than the steppin' out part, how will it be different?
(O'Dog has nearly the same sitch)
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
), that such a comment to me back then, it felt very unfair. That's why I said I feel strong about it. Maybe for SP it is helpful. Food for thought is always useful.