Finally trying to move on without H

[aliveandkicking]

All of your feelings are normal and valid but is this working for you? Can you go somewhere to be alone and cry and scream and get it out for real?

Because you will NEVER run out of reasons to be angry and feel wronged. I'm telling you there is an endless supply of cr*p to inflame and depress you and this is just the beginning.

You need to focus on you. Make your list of goals for tomorrow, have you done that?

There are people here with Hs that took everything and left them with kids and went and procreated with their mistresses and just horrible stuff.

Everyone feels thwarted and crapped on and betrayed. BUT, eventually, whenever you're ready, you realize that it is YOUR days you are pissing away with the anger and obsessing.

Trust me, I know. I had a flippin nervous breakdown style tantrum this morning and I'm six months into it. But, I did and moved on, screwed my head back on, exercised, picked up my kids and was in a great mood. You just do it.

[Kimmie Lee]

(((beepee))) And I say welcome back to you, Sweetie.

Hollow threats from his cousin. Don't pay any attention. You have a good case for him marrying for a green card then. That is all just smoke and B.S.

Of course your anger will flare. Mine still does after nearly two years.

[beepee]

Hi Gardener:

i tried to hang out with the kids but couldnt and all the adults dont really speak, they just play cards and gamble. i found it really hard to talk to anyone right now. i understand that they dont know what to say so they dont say anything. i understand and appreciate it so i wont expect anything from them.

in regards to victimhood, i wasnt displaying any. i just felt lonely in this room full of people. i cried because it felt lonely, not to get anyone to console me. it jus came on. and i didnt wanna cry in the room so i left to the front porch where no one was. so i dont know. i just know that i shouldnt expect anyone to do anything, even though i believe that doesnt mean there should be some degree of courtesy.. if i saw someone in the room crying or walked away crying, i would for sure go and see if they were ok, esp if i knew they were on medication and everyone knows. but thats just me. im learning to deal with it. my entire family and relatives arent emotional, they dont show their feelings, im the only one who does and im trying to accept that no matter how hard it is.

great quote by emerson by the way. i shall make sure to read it often! thanks gardener, hope youre having a great day today.

[beepee]

aliveandkicking:
i dont know what i want right now. all i know is that my emotions are all over the place at the moment and i need to try to calm down and understand them. i dont know what works for me, i dont know if being sad is better than being angry. i just dont know.
so in regards to never running out of reasons to be angry, i know and i agree and thats why im working really hard to let go of the past and all the hurt. it does depress me when i think about it and ive been good recently at not thinking about it all, AND ITS A LOT, not just cr*p with my XH.

i havnt made a goal for today yet as i woke up at 7 and went back to bed and just woke up now. but i know that im not going to let this day go by being angry. its a beautiful day out and im going to try and enjoy it as much as i can. im just gonna do it like you say!!

[beepee]

kimmie lee:

THANK YOU!!!
i will pay no attention to his cousins sh*t.
its not worth it but it just makes me angry but im not
going to waste my time with it anymore!

[beepee]

so i awoke at 7am in the morning because i found myself smiling and talking and putting my arms out to hig my XH next to me in bed and woke up realizing he was not there. what a horrible feeling. so my stomach pains and nausea got so strong that i needed to get up and take some meds to calm me down. so i check my email and i get this email from him:

"i don't think you understand the pain that I'm going through.

reading this makes me very sad, sadder than since I left.

I know you're changing, and that's good, really good.

It just breaks my heart, deeper, when you tell me that I've moved
on and how easy it's been for me.

I'm too sad to respond to this email, I'll do it tomorrow when I can, I'm sorry."


too sad to respond?? he left me in the dumps and he cant respond with one sentence that i asked him to?
well i no longer expect him to say it or want to force him to say it. i just replied with how i sincerely felt and said that in order for me to survive and get out of this alive, i cant be in touch with him anymore. i can never get a straight answer from him abotu anything and i feel like im being tied to a string and jerked around. i cant take it anymore. i told him he can respond to my email if he wants but i dont mind if he doesnt. i didnt know what else to say..did i do the right thing? or should i have just not answered his email?

[beepee]

oh and i never once mentioned in the email that this was "easy" for him, i think he just unconsciously admitted that it is!! i actually wrote in the email, "i know this is really really hard for you"............

so i dont know where he got that from!! i think its a slipup on his part and thats how he feeeels!

[beepee]

so my goals for today:

1) must go back to studio and move out some more stuff
2) send out an ebay package
3) take photos of some furniture and put up to sell on Craisglist
4) continue searching for apartment
5) figure what else to sell or beg people for money to pay over due rent for work studio!!

thats pretty much it!

[beepee]

so i got one thing done today so far,
i packed up an item and had it shipped off!
one goal achieved!

now i have to head to the studio and pack some more stuff.
hoping i wont break down this time..made sure to take some anxiety meds before going there so hopefully that should keep me a bit calm!

[karen43]

Woo hoo! Congratulations! I like to do that too; make a list of goals to accomplish each day and then fun to cross them off. Do you have rewards you're going to give yourself also? I like to do that sometimes also...Karen